DEAR CELLULITE

DEAR CELLULITE,

You and I have been in a relationship since the very inception of my life. From the jiggling baby bum peeking out of an overstretched bloomer to the teenage thunder thighs and even to the mature family pack abs, you have been with me or rather in me throughout.   We have always been there for each other and have stuck to each other through all odds that life had made me sit through. I remember how when I once fell down the stairs crashing right on my bum, you saved my bones with your fat cushion around my gifted waist. I remember how sympathetic you were after my first heartbreak and became the generous spare tire on my belly on which I kept my big bowl of Bourbon ice-cream while howling my heart out. You and I were inseparable. 

I had never seen you as a burden. Actually contrary to your assumption, I always saw you as an asset. You made me feel curvy in a sexy south Indian way and never fat. Never did I curse you when the ignorant folks around me called me obese and passed fat jokes around me. While they showered on me remarks like ‘elephant on heels’ or even poor jokes like ‘the physics rule of buoyancy is shown by you during swimming classes’, I always saw myself as a gifted diva. People were simply jealous of my curves. Amen!!

You know how I hate amusement parks. The joy-ride operators always made me sit alone on the seat for two at all the rides. They brutally told me that your overdose prohibited me from experiencing majority of the water sports. They tried to kill our love by warning me that the safety harness might not be able to restrict my weight from falling on the ground when the roller coaster stops midway to give us an upside down experience. They were true to some extent because my safety harness was half open by the time I landed safely on the ground. I was alive and declared my love for you with a few cream filled doughnuts. 

But you know how falling in love makes you feel beautiful yet totally conscious about your physical beauty. A man in love never actually cares about your physical beauty because he is in love with the whole concept that is you and you start being aware of how you actually look in the mirror. The mirror always lied to me but my camera always showed me as Precious’s little sister. No one actually cares about the inside beauty except for the surgeons who conduct autopsy. I wanted to be a Greek goddess which the man I liked worshipped like an obsession. I wanted to be a dream instead of looking like the Russian nesting doll. 

I know the cracks started showing in our 22yr old relationship on the 1^st Dec 2011, the day I joined the gym. A strong believer of the religion called ‘FOOD’, I never even tried my hand on healthy eating since the pressure of our ‘hanging on the thread’ like relationship was too much in itself to handle. You knew I was deceiving you with the treadmill and cross-trainer sessions. I must admit, being in love you never gave me such a high like these two blokes give me. Oh the sweat made my skin glow and I proclaimed my love for them then and there! It was like a slow poison for you. You did not handle the breakup well. You stuck to me like leech even after all the indifference I showed towards you. I lifted weights to melt you down and did crunches to let you know that you couldn’t force me to stay in this relationship, while all I wanted was a divorce. You constantly pulled me down by making me suffer body pain but I knew it just meant that you were being forced out of my system.

As of today, we are still under judicial separation since our divorce will take a bit more time. From a 5’2 height girl of a pompous 80 kilos, to the present 64 kilos, I know I have miles to go before I can say that you and I are no more together. But I have never craved to be a size zero because my Dadi rightly says there should be something on a woman to hold on to (pervert alert). They closely resemble the toothpick I use to pick up the humble Paneer Tikkas and later break with no pressure of the fingers what so ever. I have never believed in the concept of starving myself or even eating right, for the world is filled with such succulent junks ready to just burst inside your mouth and sooth your palates. But before you see that as a beacon of hope, let me remind you that we are never ever ever, getting back together. Your mania towards me is yours to deal with because my fixation towards you was gulped down and out my system by Green Tea.

Don’t be sad! There is plenty of fish in the sea. Innumerable ignorant bodies awaiting your entry into them. But between us honey, Its over!

YOUR UNFAITHFUL EX,

Red Handed