SEX VEX

Sex is my favourite subject both theoretically and practically. My special inclination towards this particular field is genetically imbibed by my nervous system because I am an Indian. I am from the land which gave birth to the nomad sage who wrote the pain in the hole(s) ‘KAMASUTRA’. I mean I am pretty sure that he did not stick to a single yoga woman to practise all those intricate and sometimes life threatening positions but a variety of prostitutes which he choose fussily according to the body mass and spine bending each position demanded. There is even the possibility of the existence of inflated dolls even then or the usage of a skilled contortionist who is also a part time slut. 

It’s funny how the Indian culture proclaims to be least promiscuous culture in the world and it does so by shunning pre marital sex and claiming that all their daughters are tight sealed till after marriage. Yet it happens to be country which is ranked 2^nd when it comes to searching the term ‘sex’ in Google. Sadly Pakistan took the 1^st position but behold there is hope for there is always a next year!!

Majority of the MENkind in our country demand a sealed woman when it comes to marriage, while a major section of the WOMENkind who lost their V Card long before marriage to some ex flame, plan on squeezing their pelvic muscles tight and blame the spin bike sessions at the gym for not bleeding on the D Day! Why is sex such a taboo when it is the greatest entertainment known to man? Why is virginity an issue? Why should one save himself/ herself till he/she is tied into a lifelong relationship solemnized before the entire family and legalized by paper? Well yes, our culture says so and we should respect that.

Incest has always been a peculiar issue. I deem it to be an offence and contrary to the rules set by nature. But how did this entire taboo against incestual sex begin? There are customs which permit marriages between close relatives. History shows that incestuous marriages were widespread at least during the Graeco-Roman period of Egyptian history. Numerous papyri and the Roman census declarations attest to many husbands and wives as being brother and sister. Incest still happens behind closed doors and even if marriage happens by eloping, one never tries to find out the history of the relationship. My point is there used to be a time when same sex marriages or the whole concept of being gay was a taboo and contrary to the rules of God himself. Now it is deemed a human right by us to choose your sexual inclination and be respected for that. Will a time come when humanity will become so open minded that even incest would be able to come out of the closet? I pray NOT!!

I believe that the Sexual frustration among men is the highest in our country. Our moral police ministers watch porn while the assembly is in progress. Of the top 10 cities in the world searching for “sex” as per Google Trends data, eight are Indian. Why blame it all on the men when accept it or not, our women population are equally curious. Not that I have anything against watching porn! But why hide your interest in the subject? Why switch channels as soon as the ‘MANFORCE black grape condoms’ commercial starts? And if Indians are not sexually promiscuous atleast in their mind, then show it on the population count which is beyond galactic!!!

Now my brother is 16 yr old and this means that my mother is stalking him like crazy. The problem with my adorable mother is that her stalking becomes immensely nerve tearing, sometimes leading to delegation of her detective work to me. Why should I stalk my brother and report to her if my brother has been a naughty boy by talking to loose ladies online or visiting some porny sites? He is a growing boy and no matter how much you stop him, he will always find his way to what he likes. If he wants to watch, let him for he will one day get over it and if he doesn’t, good for him. What is so wrong in him being curious unless offcourse he wants practical lessons! Oh dear Lord!!

I think this post is getting a little too dirty and I don’t have the slightest clue as to what was in my mind when I started writing. But yeah! Here is a post finally. 

P.S- Been busy and don’t know with what. Life sometimes keeps you on your toes. Sorry for not keeping track of the posts on my blog list.

P.P.S- I am now a Law Graduate. Just can’t wait for the convocation! Jobless though….but not for long!!
P.P.P.S- Btw made Choco Lava some days back. I am Bloody proud!! :D

ABOUT BIRDS AND BEES!!

I am worried. I still am flabbergasted by the statement my brother made regarding ‘sex’ some days back. Now me being the epitome of an average Indian female belonging to an average Indian family, I have never ever discussed the subject ‘fornication’ with my family members. My Father still switches to some other channel whenever an advertisement of Moods condom comes up or the part of the movie when the hero and heroine start to knead each other i.e foreplay. 

Some days back me and my 14 yr old brother happened to watch an English flick which went by the name ‘Notorious’. It was based on the life of the legendary rapper Biggie Smalls and he was a huge man, both in size and fame. There came a scene were the fat man is butt naked on bed with his girlfriend riding him all the way till climax. The awkward me reacted to this by forwarding the movie till the porny part was done with. My brother innocently said ‘You think I don’t know stuffs? I know what they were doing. I even know the position they were trying.’ 

I haven’t been able to erase that statement from my mind. Kids these days know everything they shouldn’t know about at their age. When I look back, I remember being the naive kid who had the basics all wrong. 

2^nd Grade

I thought that Mommy was kissed on the lips by my Daddy which made her tummy swell up like a balloon. This was followed by me popping out of her Belly Button while she was asleep. 

5^th Grade

Now the little me was becoming inquisitive about the whole bird and bee thing. I would stare at the scene where the hero starts kissing the heroine on her neck and cheeks, undress her, make her lie on the bed with him half naked and then switch off the light. I now had the answer before me as to how to get pregnant. All you need to do is to get naked, cuddle up with a guy, turn off the light and kiss him till you sleep. Voila! The next day you are pregnant. 

7^th Grade

I came back home from school with a very funny feeling going inside my tummy. I went to my room to get undressed and then screamed the biggest scream of my life. My granny ran to my rescue, just to find me petrified and bawling my eyes out. I was bleeding from the unknown territory and this only meant one thing to me i.e I had cancer. I did not believe my granny or my mother when they tried to explain things which made no logic to me. I was sure that I had cancer because I noticed a tear or two in my Dad’s eyes which he was trying to hide with a smile. I was going to die.

8^th Grade

I found out that babies come out of a woman’s Vagina. Now the next step was to find out what a vagina is. Since I did not have the permission to go online except to do my project, I asked my friends who seemed to be brighter than me. They declared that the Vagina and the pee hole were one and the same.

9^th Grade

They introduced us to Biology with the topic ‘Reproduction’ being one of the chapters. My teacher started to tell us how bees sprinkle pollen grains of one flower on the other and thus help in plant reproduction. She even told us that when a coma like thing enters a circle, they become a thing called embryo which after 9 mths becomes a baby and comes out of the vagina. I raised my hand to ask a doubt.

Me- But Madam, you said bees and the wind help in the pollination of plants. How does the coma enter the circle to become a baby?

Teacher- Sit down! You just need to learn the things given in the book. A baby comes out of a woman’s vagina after 9 mths.

Me- Vagina means the pee hole?

Teacher- No the other hole.

Me- The other hole? You mean the anus?

Teacher- No. The one between them.

Me- I don’t have it.

10^th Grade

This time I was determined to find out about the whole process. After our Ninth grade exam, one of my best friends organised a slumber party at her place. Her parents allowed her and the three friends she had called including me, to sleep upstairs. That room even had a computer system with internet in it. We decided to make use of the opportunity and started searching for ‘Sex Videos’ online. I still remember staring at the screen with my eyes and mouth wide open. I and my friends swore never to do what we just saw. The woman seemed to be in a hell lot of pain. Why else would she make so much noise, with her expression all contorted? I was sure that my parents did such a painful and ugly thing only twice and that too just so that I and my brother could enter this world. Why would anyone do such a thing for no apparent reason!

Now

I am now well informed about the entire process and I for sure know that it is nowhere close to be termed as Ugly. I know everything that a girl of my age and my time should know. The world has changed me though. I am no more naïve nor am I innocent. I read a quote somewhere that ‘69% percent of people can find something dirty in every sentence’. I proudly accept the fact that I belong to that category. Go ahead, judge me but I too know what goes in your mind, you dirty creep!

Coming back to the point, how do you think should I have reacted to my brother when he made such a statement? I just smiled till the awkwardness went away. I sometimes wonder how kids will be ten years down the line. Early maturity is not a good thing. It eats away your innocence. God save!

P.S- I am sure you would be thinking that I was a late learner. I know that many girls get to know stuffs real early in their life but I wasn’t one of them. I was the kid you saw frolicking down the lane with the brightest smile on her face.

P.P.S- My apologies for not commenting on your latest blogposts. I have been travelling a lot and on top of all that had my exams up. And oh btw! Two juniors got down with Chicken Pox and so the University is shut down for a week starting today!! Jealous much?!! :D

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LETS TALK ABOUT SEX !!

Sex has always been an uncomfortable topic to be discussed, especially in India. Offcourse you joke about it or sometimes seriously chat about with your close friends but what about having a talk about 'THE' subject with your family. Do not mistake me to be the one who is craving to discuss her sexual fantasy or desires with her grandmother. All I mean to point out is the comfort level we have when the word SEX comes up between the normal everyday conversations with our family.

I belong to a very conservative family. In India you don’t expect sexual education from your parents, like ever! I thought I had cancer when I went through the whole coming out of the cocoon and becoming a butterfly phase of life. See I am still not comfortable talking about it. Ok I am talking about PERIODS. Chuck that shit! Men should have that.

The reason I am saying this is because I have a younger brother and we share the age gap of 8 years. As we were growing up he came up with many amusing doubts regarding the whole human anatomy and the less talked about area and frankly speaking I have never given him the truth.

Me- It is your 10^th birthday, what birthday present do you want?

Lil bro- Umm, vichi! I want a whishpur. Our Miss wants us to use fountain pen and whenever I use it, it stains my hand and my white shirt. I have seen in the TV that whishpur takes all the ink. I want it.

Me- Shuttup! That is not for that.

………………………………………

Lil Bro- Our Biology teacher told us that one Sperm meets one Egg and baby is born. How do they meet?

Me- I have to go take a bath.

………………………………………

Lil Bro (Age 11)- I found out what is whishpur for. Amma told me!

Me- Really? What did she tell?

Lil Bro- She told me it is for the elders with loose motion.

……………………………………….

While watching an English movie with my brother, a making out scene comes up. Being uncomfortable, I fast forwarded it.

Lil Bro (Age 14)- Hello! I come for Boys School, I know what all is happening. Don’t think I am naïve and don’t even say that whisper is for elders with diarrhea.

So, my brother is growing up and has clearly stopped asking those innocent questions. Last time I dialled my home number to talk to him, somebody with a very low baritone voice picked up. Since there were always troubles with the connection which lead to the call getting connected with someone totally random, I thought this time too it happened and I cut the call. My mother called me back and only then did I find out that the person with the baritone was my brother, who is currently undergoing a voice makeover.

This one time, a friend of mine wanted to know what the whole hype about Porn is. So I asked her to check it out online. I did not hear anything from her for the next half an hour and thus, perplexed I asked her what she was upto. She sadly said ‘I am not able to find anything’. I took the laptop from her and found out that she had typed PORN as PRAWN and was staring at the image of PRAWN PICKLE.

P.S- I wore Kerala Saree today! Ok I confess, there was donkey work of 3 chicks behind my perfectly worn saree. But I wore it!!! Also I am going on a mini vacation AGAIN starting this 29^th till September 11^th. So my blog is on leave :D

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