AN UGLY HEAD

Writing after a long long time, but as long as it’s coming from the mind entangled with the heart, who cares. Amateurish but can be surely dealt with.

         Of late I have been having this strange emotional fixes where things seem bright one day and the very next moment they are like dark clouds with the silver shining raped off. It’s like I have been seeing the brighter as well as the ugliest side both in the gap of a split second. I console myself saying “Baby you are just growing up and you have to go stomach the wicked snarls and sometimes the malevolence of life.” I think everyone goes through this, but obviously every person takes his emotions and feelings as par excellence to those surviving besides him and so do I.

        You get into a relationship thinking you won’t sink in too much because the future remains uncertain and you hold your guards up and sail into it. But the guard falls down and you eventually drown into the relationship that it scares you. The relationship you knew your heart can resist and keep it as the present moment of happiness becomes the fear factor you live with. You don’t want to loose it but you don’t want to keep it because it’s scary. Because it has the power to break you, to change you, to make you, to hypnotise you. The character in you which you are so proud of and in my case my so called practicality clings on to the last straw it sees to stop itself from drowning. Nothing works out the way you want it, yet everything happens the way you desire it to be. You heart wants it and your mind recoils at the thought. Your mind is clever and your heart is like a whining kid.

         Even in friendship this ugly feeling crops up. One moment they are like the world to you and you can do anything for them. According to you it happens vice versa and on the brighter days it does. But sometimes the darkness crops in and you see that everything is not that blue and shiny. You will be backstabbed, you will be left alone and lonely, you won’t be understood, you won’t have them at need always. Because of this you tend to return those sentiments and things get worse. Now come on everyone is ruled over by their emotions and you won’t smile at someone who sneers at you. It’s a totally different point whether they meant to sneer or not. It might be a misconception of mind but I hate it.

         The joyful past seems covered in the mist of mechanism of the human mind. You fail to realise that nothing is lost and you get jealous of the bright days the people around you are having. Their perfect lives, their perfect everything. I should start living my life. But again its long time that I realised that I cannot control my head and ups and downs are as inevitable as death itself.

This blog might make no sense to anyone who reads but it does to me and that’s all I care.