Tuesday, 12 July 2011

GAME OVER




I feel like a commodity. A commodity owned by a shopkeeper who is eager to get rid of it. Actually, I am being treated as an article of trade. I know I am using rather harsh words but if you are my age and a girl and above all a Malayalee girl (it’s the frigging cherry on the cake), you would feel it too.

Last weekend I attended a marriage ceremony. I mean who likes to attend marriages? They are just like funerals. No body actually gives a shit about the poor Donkey and the ugly Monkey getting hooked up with each other for life. Basically everyone is there for the food and to strike the obligation out from the list, the obligation which society forces you to fulfil. Maybe the parents are happy but then again, it could be the happiness of just fulfilling your duty as a parent and being able to stand proudly in front of the world as a complete family.

So again I feel like a commodity. You ask me why and I tell you why! My relatives from the Deep South are under a strong belief that the basic purpose of their lives is to dig out a groom for me at all the weddings I attend under societal pressure. My parents do not care and think that I have considerable time left before they should start the marathon chase for the perfect one. That means I have around 4 yrs tension free. But my relatives, some of whom I don’t even recollect being related to, are acting like brokers. This is what happens in almost all the weddings I attend in Kerala.

Fat Ammai- Mole!! Why are you wearing Shalwar Shoot?

Me- Ammai, it’s just that I got to know about the wedding two days back and why dress up so gaudy?

Fat Ammai- What is this Mole?! You are 22 and you don’t have a Sharee? A Kanjeevaram? Atleast a Kasavu? Tch tch.

Me- It’s not my marriage! And I don’t even know the couple who got married. I don’t know half the people here.

Fat Ammai- We are all one femali. Mole! Atleast you should have worn a Gold-chain.

Me- I am wearing such huge earrings!! Gold chains are so out of fashion.

Fat Ammai- Gold is Gold! You are a Malayalee. Look at your bare neck. Also look at your hair. Why no oil? Remove the specs Mole!

Me- Fine! Next marriage I will come exactly as you want Ammai. Today let it be.

Fat Ammai- Che che che! What is this?! The beautician of the bride is still here. She will bootify your face! The wedding photographer is here too. I will make him click some full size photo of yours.

Me- What? Why? Why would you do such a thing?

Fat Ammai- You are getting old Mole! It’s our duty! Also I will post a photo to your Amma! She will be so happy.

Yes, this is what happens with me! I am pissed off with my relatives! You cannot say a word against them because you too are under the shackles of Indian Courtesy and Respect. The entire wedding reception goes on with my relative holding my hand and dragging me across the Pandal introducing me to random strange families. For some alien reason she does not tell them that I am a future LAWYER. Can anyone tell me why?

P.S- Priyanka! I will be taking the tag in the next post! I just that I want it to sound Intellectual enough. Work in progress! :D

P.S.S- I have joined twitter and you should know that I don’t like to talk to myself. So join up! You can see a follow up widget right below the Parental advisory image or just click HERE.
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48 comments:

  1. The Damned Writer12 July 2011 at 21:52

    thats is such an oh-so-frustrating moment!
    And for god's sake! what's wrong with a friggin shalwar shoot, i say?! :P
    :D:D:D

    ReplyDelete
  2. Jaai Vipra12 July 2011 at 22:17

    Very true! I have known a lot of Malayalis and their liking for mole and mone!
    And I can very much relate to this.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Anu Krishnan12 July 2011 at 22:38

    I get it all the time. I like my collar bones the way they are n for the same reason, I have to 'explain' my bare neck to my relatives.So annoying.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Atrocious Scribblings12 July 2011 at 22:46

    Have a cousin who's exactly in the same position, she just goes to these weddings, acts all pricy and haughty and hogs to her heart's delight.

    I would suggest you do the same.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Red Handed12 July 2011 at 22:53

    @Indumathu Sukanya-It was a nice ANarkali Shoot :P...Heh !
    @Jaai Vipra-Yes i hav had enuff of the MOLE thing! Thankyou!
    @Anu Krishnan-Whts wrong with the bare neck? seriously!!!
    @Atrocious Scribblings- I actually do tht. Hog like i havent Seen food :P

    ReplyDelete
  6. CookieCrumbsInc.12 July 2011 at 22:58

    What is it about single, young women and their freedom that old ammais hate so much?
    One called my mother up with a proposal; 'chekkan U.Sila workeeyunne, nalla tharavaadi family, vidanda, murikki pidicholua'.
    Mum told her where she could shove it:D
    I'm lucky that way..

    p.s: what kinda shooting does the shalwar do actually?:P

    ReplyDelete
  7. Madhav Mishra12 July 2011 at 23:12

    trust me i can understand.its really sick when RELATIVES start telling you that getting married is some kind of achievement and you should let them decide your life partner for you.i feel like slapping them.
    i m sure its worse for gurls

    ReplyDelete
  8. R.12 July 2011 at 23:25

    I'll take you to a Punjabi wedding.
    You'll never want to leave.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Cloud Nine12 July 2011 at 23:32

    Awwwww...tch tch...I can imagine how it is, having went through the same drama umpteem number of times. Relatives always try to be super(re)latives in match making:P

    ReplyDelete
  10. Blasphemous Aesthete12 July 2011 at 23:53

    I know that pic from quite a different time now. You've used it before too? :O

    And a donkey and a monkey? Damn, the last weird thing I hear was that a girl-dog (bitch otherwise, the author said it was a girl-dog, so let it be) eloped with a mongoose, and the name of the girl-dog was the same as that of her some aunt. :P

    And really, what does a salwaar shoot? And how do we pronounce it, Mole like in chemistry or like Moley Mole?

    Nice post.

    Cheers,
    Blasphemous Aesthete

    ReplyDelete
  11. Anish12 July 2011 at 23:58

    'bootify your face'? thats just nasty :D Although I can relate to you, my grandmum wants me to get married in 3 years, my mum by the time I'm 27 and I don't even wanna think about till I'm 29-30. Marwari families are no less, they literally sell their boys to the highest bidder.

    PS: Whats Mole?

    ReplyDelete
  12. fivefeetsmall13 July 2011 at 00:02

    Aw "mau-lay"!
    Po di patti.
    I've lots of mallu friends.
    ^ that's almost all they taught me.
    :D

    ReplyDelete
  13. fivefeetsmall13 July 2011 at 00:03

    oh yeah and nyaan ninne premikyunu :)

    ReplyDelete
  14. Sarah malik13 July 2011 at 01:09

    haha..although i louuveee marriages but this kinda situation is extremelllyyyy irritating ( and i m telling this frm my personal experience ) :P coz although my family is from north but shaadi ki unhein bhi bahut jaldi hai! GOd save us..from gold chains and gold rings too (atleast for soe years) ;)

    sarah

    ReplyDelete
  15. Anonymous13 July 2011 at 08:20

    Oh this situation is so annoying. These relatives who have no freedom left for themselves (sorry it's rude, but it's true), want to take away our freedom too. My maternal side is Punjabi and trust me, they are no better.......

    Great post and loved your style of writing.

    ReplyDelete
  16. R-A-J13 July 2011 at 09:36

    Bootiful post, mole !! :)

    I know the feeling... my folks r also on the hunt fr the most endangered species in India.. the female bride who fits my horror-scope.

    And Simbly soopa pic, Red :)

    ReplyDelete
  17. Cindrella13 July 2011 at 10:12

    ha ha!! exactly what I used to face around 6 months back!! Thank God my parents at least were trying their level best to protect my interests!!

    Right now I am happily engaged and preparing for the great traditional Kerala Wedding!! You know...and already wondering about my looks in "gold" ornaments and the "mullappoooov" ayyooo!!!

    ReplyDelete
  18. Spaceman Spiff13 July 2011 at 13:16

    What a pic, I say! :D

    I've always had to face this, for not wearing any gold- no earrings, chains or bangles. All I can take is a thin gold chain, and even then, I get bullied. And I tell them the same thing you did- "It's not MY wedding for god's sake!!" I also get bullied for not wearing a bindi. Even if I manage to put a tiny little dot with eyeliner, that's not enough. They want an elaborate rangoli design only up there. :/

    P.S:- Is it just from my system, or is your font colour a little hard to read? :/

    ReplyDelete
  19. Vinati13 July 2011 at 14:52

    Ha-ha..this is the story of many girls. Thank god I haven't faced such frustrating moments yet, may be because i'm too young for it. :P

    And wow...you too pursuing Law?
    Hi5 ;)

    ReplyDelete
  20. Red Handed13 July 2011 at 17:12

    @Priyanka- Hhaha Ammaies r such pain!Murukki Pidicholua!! hahahah!
    @Maniac.hunter-i swear!! Its really pisses me off!
    @Peevie Juice-Hhehe! actually i hav been to one.Lovely!
    @CloudNine- I know you wud understand this. you hav lived it havent you :P
    @Blasphemous Aesthete- No! its the first time i am using this image. Mole is pronounced as MOLEY..it means BETA :p
    @Anish-Sell their boys to the highest bidder! Gosh! Mole means Beta or my child :P
    @Mugdha- Nyaan ninne premikyunnu...such a cliche right.! hehehe
    @MSM- seriously! whts wrong with me being a lawyer. even i dont have a clue how to drape a saree.!
    @subtlescribbler-HAhaha its the plight of Indian women basically :D
    @jojofeelings- first of all welcome to my blogfamily :P.Thankyou so much for liking it!
    @R-A-J-Nice pic right! i laughed a lot when i saw it :D
    @Cindrella-You are engaged!!! aaaaah..now i wanna get married. :P
    @Spaceman Spiff-Whts with the rangoli bindi! Why shud we do such a thing? I agree with ur words! nd i guess the blog did not opne properly in u system. it has cream background with black font.
    @Vinati- Hypothetical Hi5!!!

    ReplyDelete
  21. raam Pyaari13 July 2011 at 18:15

    ahahahaha that was hilarious!! poor you!

    ReplyDelete
  22. Soumya13 July 2011 at 18:58

    Hahaha, I'm actually tired of getting this that I've stopped attending weddings altogether! We mallu girls attract a lot of wrong kind of attention seriously!

    I'm 25, so you can imagine the torture I'm going through! :P

    First time here, lovely blog!

    Cheers,
    Soumya

    ReplyDelete
  23. Red Handed13 July 2011 at 19:04

    @RaamPyari- Heh :P
    @Soumya- I can imagine how much you wud be going through!! :O..Thankyou for visiting btw and following

    ReplyDelete
  24. Scribby14 July 2011 at 00:55

    WTF !!! duh @ these weddings :(

    ReplyDelete
  25. maithili14 July 2011 at 09:37

    :( I m only 19 and my cousin 21! she is already the groom searching target of my family! and when I attend marriages they mistake me for being the elder one (see size matters :P) and start enquiring about me! till mommy rescues me with "Shes's just 19!" and the reply "Girls grow up so fast.. you must start searching now! She will get a perfect match till 23 then!!!!!"
    *Sigh*
    If this is the scene now, I dread the time I will turn 21!!!
    My cousin is already smothered and groomed etc etc by the relatives :P

    ReplyDelete
  26. Blue Lotus14 July 2011 at 10:41

    Been there,seen that and eventually got married.I pity you girl.Life doesn't end there.You are in Phase-I.I'm in Phase-II "in-eppolaoru-kunjikalu-" phase.Till you have 3 kids,one in the left hand,one in the right and one on your hips these people will bug you.So learn to keep your ears open (in from end,out through the other),learn to smile sweetly and coyly(don't over do this part) and mostly to swallow the smart oneliners that dance on the tip of your tongue.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Red Handed14 July 2011 at 10:44

    @Scribby- seriously!
    @Maithili-Lol poor your elder sister! I sooo relate to her!

    ReplyDelete
  28. M14 July 2011 at 14:21

    Ah the lawyer bit...:-) know that one... ladki agar lawyer hai toh argue bahut karegi!!!!! :-P LOL...am i right????

    Interesting article!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  29. Defiant Princess14 July 2011 at 15:42

    *sigh* relatives at weddings are such a pain!
    The things they expect us to do.. Can't tolerate yet have to put up a smiley face.

    P.S. thanks to you, my blog's old template is back :) Just a Header change!

    ReplyDelete
  30. Chakoli14 July 2011 at 17:35

    hahahaha

    this is soemthing...similar to my story..
    well its long back that I stopped going to relatives wedding ;)

    ReplyDelete
  31. Tripthi Battapadi14 July 2011 at 18:19

    Ah, Malayali's and Mallu's go hand in hand. :|
    I am a Malayali too. And I can toh-tal-lee see this coming.

    ReplyDelete
  32. Janani Balasubramanyam14 July 2011 at 18:52

    That's exactly why I hate arranged marriage. They make you look like cattle traded in the cattle market ; worse yet, there's this custom with tamizh people - its called "ponnu paakardu" - roughly translates to "looking at the girl" . I always thought it sounds like buyers inspecting cattle to check if there are defects! *disgusted face*

    btw. the picture is so LOL-able. :P

    ReplyDelete
  33. partha14 July 2011 at 19:24

    Hahaha poor Red :) May be u should go just in time for dinner, enjoy it and leave.... Amazing Pic... is the pic taken at mallu wedding... looks tamil to me

    ReplyDelete
  34. Red Handed14 July 2011 at 22:24

    @M-Yes! I dont even argue well :P Still..its a stigma attached to our clan :P
    @Defiant Princess-I love ur template...header can be managed with...and yes i am sooo forced to paste a smiley on my face and deal with them
    @Chakoli-Lucky you :(
    @The Blue Periwinkle- You see it right! Hi5...sad one though :P
    @Janani Balasubramanyam- Welcome to my foolish blog :P..even we have looking at a girl ceremony...tch tch
    @Partha- i wisj i cud actually just go for the dinner. but no! :( yes its a tamil pic.

    ReplyDelete
  35. Purba15 July 2011 at 12:36

    Next time when someone tries to bother you, just call me :p

    Ok suggestion no.2 -> Amma don't you worry, I am eloping next week and point at some random guy at the wedding( just make sure he's good looking)

    ReplyDelete
  36. Red Handed15 July 2011 at 21:46

    @PURBA- That would lead to heart-attacks and brawls happening on the spot :P
    Thankyou so much for commeting

    ReplyDelete
  37. Ayushi15 July 2011 at 22:20

    :D :D I like your humour :))
    Nice blog :)

    ReplyDelete
  38. raam pyari16 July 2011 at 17:54

    following your blog now :)

    ReplyDelete
  39. Red Handed16 July 2011 at 22:05

    @Ayushi B- Hah thanks!
    @Raam Pyari- Thankyou soo much!

    ReplyDelete
  40. Nirvaan Baid17 July 2011 at 12:03

    I am no mole,but then I very much share this feeling of attending a wedding just for the heck of it...a predominant feeling among the youth well captured...:)

    ReplyDelete
  41. Red Handed17 July 2011 at 16:02

    @Nirvaan- Thanks and welcome to my foolish blog :P

    ReplyDelete
  42. Tripthi Battapadi17 July 2011 at 21:32

    Aye!!
    UP there, I meant - Malyali's and gold go hand in hand!!

    ReplyDelete
  43. notgogol18 July 2011 at 10:01

    So did she manage to bootify your face? :P

    ReplyDelete
  44. Srinidhi18 July 2011 at 16:15

    Hilarious!! I know what you mean though. Its never family but no? always extended relations who seem to think 20 above means marriage. bloody.

    Nice photo also!! :D

    ReplyDelete
  45. Musings of a Troubled Mind18 August 2011 at 23:54

    Hahaha... loved the humour in it!! :)

    Believe it or not, nowadays even boys of age 25 and above are targetted by such "beloved ammayis" whom we dont remember seeing ever in our lives. If not to the photo-shoot, at least they get the cellphone numbers of such guys to hook up some coconut oil factory with.

    ReplyDelete
  46. Red Handed20 August 2011 at 08:03

    @THE BLUE PERIWINKLE- HAHA true that!
    @notgogol- I managed to escape :P
    @Srinidhi- Seriously...its these relatives that need a good but spanking!
    @Musings of a troubled Mind- hhha coconut oil factory..hahahaha

    ReplyDelete
  47. ♪♪Happy Go Lucky♪♪11 December 2011 at 17:17

    Bwahahahaha!!
    The part about the gold chain was so funny!!

    ReplyDelete
  48. K@nn(())raan*خلي ولي27 December 2012 at 01:28

    ഹഹഹഹാ... അമ്മായീ!

    hahahahaaa! super thoughts

    ReplyDelete

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