Diary and Calendar Tragedy

It is that time of the year and I am pissed off. It’s the last week of the year and like every last week of every year that has gone by during my existence, I hate this last week too. My parents are the reason. This week to me is known as ‘CALENDAR & DIARY WEEK’.

My Father works in SBI which is known for its most dreary and dead edition of New Year diaries and calendars. My mother with her Income tax department follows that league religiously too. My childhood memories are frightening to the extent of making my brain numb. The last week of every Year brings with it new editions of diaries and calendars, which my parents tediously distribute to everyone we know and do not know. I was forced to carry a Diary accompanied with a calendar to my school, so that I could gift it to my teacher, courtesy the bank. Next day, another set of diary and calendar, courtesy Income tax department. My friends stopped visiting me at my place during this time because my parents would not even spare them of the agony. This is the worst week of the year and it has become a ritual.

My family accompanied me back to Kerala for a week this time. The luggage seemed enormous for a one week stay but why should I question? I was rejoicing over the fact that atleast this year they won’t be parcelling me Bank Diaries or sending it through some distant relatives. But you know my fate is a bitch and my joy was short lived. The following conversation was the reason.

Me- Papa, we got to do some minor shopping. Need things like detergent, soap, shampoo, lotion, talc, Oil and stuff. I do not want to go alone to shop because then you will call me and ask me why and where I spent so much money. So buy it for me before you leave this state.

Papa- Ok Mole. Just make a list of all the things you need and we shall go buy them all.

Me- Oh just the basic needs and some not so basic ones. You know me na. Oh Papa, new semester starting and so I need a new notepad to jot down the notes.

Papa- Not to worry Mole! You don’t worry about the notepad. I bought sufficient diaries from the bank and it is in the luggage. You can take it to college. Also take some for your friends. Your professors would like it too.

Me- Papa! I hate that diary. It is so boring and who thought of putting the Map of India showing all the branches of your bank, on the cover page? It sucks!!

Papa- Don’t talk to me in that tone ever again! Also why are so concerned with how it looks when your basic need is to write down the notes?

Me- But Papa!

Papa- Mole! The Case is dismissed!

Now I am just waiting for my mother to do the same with me because I am sure she will. If not for scribbling down the notes, then for revision purpose. As if I even revise! Gah!! Indian parents are pure torture sometimes. But the worst part is that my father has 10 more years left to retire and my mother has almost 16 yrs. So fuck my life. I cannot wait for them to retire!

Btw anyone who wants an SBI or Income Tax diary and calendar, just ask me before I throw the bunch as far as I can into the Arabian Sea. 

P.S- I am back to my den after being at home for 2 mths! No hurray for that because here too I was forced to join a gym. My parents will leave tomorrow. Yesterday we bought some gold for my marriage which will happen probably after 3 to 4 yrs. Being a Malayalee girl has its downfall. Also in Kerala, you might find a much larger crowd in a gold shop than in a fish market.

Image Courtesy- brownandblue.co.in

YOU JUDGMENTAL PRICK!!

Dear Santa,

Now just because I am writing you a letter, doesn’t mean that I believe in your existence. You are like the promise my Dad makes of not beating me to pulp if I speak the truth i.e void ab initio. Talking about my Dad, he hates you too because unlike other Dads he never tried to become your imposter and leave me Christmas presents. 

   

On a serious note, what are you doing in the North Pole? Did you choose that place because there are no screeching penguins out there? What about the Polar bears?! Talking about Polar bears, why did you choose a reindeer to fly your mass around to throw gifts down random people’s home chimney? Why not a really easy to catch polar bear from the North Pole? You guys even share a similar body weight. And what if people don’t have chimneys standing tall on top of their homes?

Aren’t you bored of your attire? I mean come on, you do look like a clown sometimes. And what is with Rudolph’s nose? Why is it red anyway? I thought you amongst all wouldn’t be into drugs. Atleast leave the animals alone. I would also like to question you as to who gave you the right to decide which person has been naughty and who has been nice. In my world, naughty can have a very kinky definition too, is it the same definition you share? Then everyone is naughty, nobody shows it. 

   

So now let me get a bit selfish. I would like to ask you something for myself and this is new for me in my 22 yrs of existence. Now I know that all you do is make your elf slaves make toys and then you like a postman deliver it worldwide on your personal sleigh. But I don’t want toys for I am too old for that. Nah, no sex toys too. I want you to kill for me. I want you to be generous enough to do some real red blood work for me. I have a list of people I want you to kill because I personally believe that they shouldn’t be alive.

People in my HIT list-

 

1)      People who assume that I give a damn- So Mr Santa, there are a certain bunch of self conscious bimbos who believe that I live to hear out their bogus life crap. These dung balls don’t even find it important to know if I want to hear to their cries of madness or whether I am atleast vaguely interested in their saga. Why do they assume that my ears are free for their nonchalant bashing of bullshit?

2)      People who bring babies to the theatre- Dear White beard man, these people think that a red blood thumb sucking flesh, draped in a hello kitty piece of cloth understands a movie and thus is eligible to watch a 3 hour show with the normal brained plebeians like us. Now most of the time the movie itself is crappy and what makes it even more terrible is the bawling baby leaking mucus down my sleeve, because I always end up sitting beside such a booby parent.

3)      People other than my family who are interested in my future- So sir, I am in my final year of law and people have started inquiring about my future plans. That includes my career, my marriage and sometimes even the number of kids I want to reproduce. I live a very instant, on the edge life and I don’t think of the future, mostly because I am a lazy ass numbnut who isn’t yet serious about her own life. Please spoon out the eyes of those who ruin my mind by giving their opinions as to what I should do with my life, when they clearly aren’t successful in theirs. Oh kill them too!

4)      People who think they are fat but are clearly not- I don’t have a problem with the anorexic chicks. I have a problem when thin sticks come to a whale like me and ask me if they are fat. I have an issue with the fact that they choose me to voice an opinion regarding their body mass index. They think it’s justifiable to call themselves fat when they are half my size. I think it is their way to coyly and innocently call me fat, without getting an earful and an ass whipping from me. Use a chainsaw when you kill them please.

5)      Kill yourself if you exist- You are a sexist! You never tell us what you do with the list you make of the Naughty girls. You never let Mrs Claus share your limelight by allowing her to ride with you. You lie that you slide down the chimneys to deliver the gifts, when you yourself know that your potbelly will never make it through. You make the poor animals drag your weight around in the sky and make them cover the entire globe. You are not a secular man and you are very discriminatory. You never slide down the chimneys of homes where children of religions other than Christianity live. You laugh boisterously going all ‘HO HO HO’, thus making little kids learn their first cuss ‘HOE’. Jump off the sleigh this time!!

Now that you have already added my name to the Naughty list, I would like to let you know that under no circumstances am I going to sleep with you. But yes you can share the naughty boys list with me.

   

Never Yours,

  

Red Handed

MY MOM THE BRUTE....

I am a bad person. I love to see my parents fight or rather I want to see my parents fight. I am saying this because in my 22 yrs of existence I have never seen or let me put this in a better way, ‘witnessed’ a good domestic fight. I am not saying that it doesn’t happen but that even if it does, they never let me catch a glimpse of it. No tears, no raised voice, no angry faces. 

As a child I used to love watching those dramatic Bollywood movies, especially that movie Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Ghum. The way Amitabh Bacchan would say “ Keh diya na… bus keh diya” and Jaya Bacchan would go all quiet and then towards the end of the movie, she finds those missing balls and says “Keh diya na.. bus keh diya”, making Amitabh feel like a little lost puppy in a storm. Since then, I have wanted to see a bit of drama in my family, a sight of my dad and my mother having an exchange of epic dialogues. 

So some days back, my mother had to make her monthly visit to the doctor. Our family is crazy when it comes to personal care and regular visit to the doctor’s clinic. For some reason alien to me, she forced me to tag along and ordered my father to be the driver, which he happily agreed on one condition. The condition being that after dropping us at the clinic, he be allowed to go deal with some official matter and that he would come pick us up, as soon as the appointment with the doctor is done with.

The consultation was over, the medicines were bought and the call was made to ‘THE DAD’. I remember him saying that ‘He is on his way’. I also remember me and my mother standing in the blistering cold for almost half an hour waiting for him. My mother kept quiet while I started pulling my hair, when suddenly she said … 

“He thinks he is the busiest man alive”

I stopped pulling my hair from its root and directed all my senses to her words. Was this going to be the day I have been waiting for? Will I be able to witness a real life drama? Is this for real?? I am going to support her this time. I will nod my head to every accusation she makes and I will also add some fuel. 

Mom- He thinks it is because of him that the office runs. He thinks that the boss will die without him.

Me- True true!!

Mom- We have been waiting for so long! Who knows maybe he lied to us and is now sitting with his friend Anil, who owns a shop nearby. 

Me- Possible!!

Mom- I hate it when he does this. I also work! I never make him wait! He always does this. Half an hour it has been. I even want to pee!

Me- Tch Tch!! 

Mom- Why cannot he buy a new phone. Still the Nokia basic model. As if he does not have money for something better. One day I will throw the phone into the washing machine. Always out of coverage area.

Me- Yes it is embarrassing!!

After exact 45 minutes, my father appeared before us with a face that had a very boyish grin pasted on it. I was determined to support my mother on her fight for justice. We got into the car and I waited for my mother to give my Dad an earful. Maybe I should record this one. It’s going to be epic!

But you know how sometimes life plays cruel games with you. Like for example, you are finally going to eat the ice-cream you have been craving for and when your tongue is just a second away from the delight waiting on the cone, it somehow slips from your hand and falls on the dirtiest of all grounds. Similarly, life showed its ugly face to me again.

My Dad asked us if we had any trouble waiting for him. I looked at my mother with expectations surpassing all heights. But she ditched me and said something which made me want to open the car door and jump right in front of a truck. She said…

“Not at all! Our daughter was creating a fuss though. She is hungry you see”   
   

‘Why God Why!!!!!!! ‘ is all I thought, as my Dad gave me his blank stare.

P.S- My mother's facebook password is 'ILOVEMYSCOOTY'. Facepalm would be an understatement.

LIVING WITH A BROWN FAMILY

 I am now officially bugged, beyond redemption. I qualify for the post of the most fickle-minded person alive on the face of earth, atleast that is what I feel. When I was living my life my way 2017 km away from my home, I brutally missed the whole family and ‘MY-HOME’ thing.  So when the semester break arrived, I decided not to intern in another far away state but to pack my bags and go where my heart is, which I supposed was at this place called HOME.

 

Now the first 3 days were epic! I think the reason behind the chaotic rush at the airport on 06-11-2011 was that my entire family and few sets of relatives were present there to welcome me. A crushing kiss on the cheek by my mother, a bear hug by my Dad, a pony tail pull by my brother and a massive cheek pull by my Granny, I realized that I was finally home. 

First 3 days-

Mom- Mole!!! Look at you, you became so dark and look at your hair, full of split ends. Did you not apply the home made Hibiscus Flower shampoo I sent you? What about the Coconut and Tulsi oil? Now that you are here, I will take care of you Mole!!

Granny- Utthappam Or Dosa? I know my Mole likes Utthappam. Afternoon I will make Jeera Rice with Khatta Meetha Dal, your favourite no??!! I asked your Papa to buy some Udad Dal, to make Vada in the evening. 

Father- Mole! Tell me about your college life. Are things okie? Tonight we will have food from outside, right after we check out the new dress collection at the mall. You wanted to buy a dress right? 

4-10 days-

Mom- You became so fat! You should join the gym. Today itself we will go and check out the gym nearby. You need a good personal trainer too. Don’t sit so much! Always sitting in from of your laptop! You just rip off your clothes and leave them for the washing machine to wash. Why can’t you wash sometimes? And your room is so dirty! Is this how you live in your hostel? I am sure your place can host a junkyard war show. 

Granny- What do you mean you won’t eat rice in the afternoon? Have the rice with the curry you had in the morning. And you are asking about the evening snack? You know how old I am? Make something yourself or there is Rusk. Have it with tea.

Father- I don’t think that you should go to the gym just one time in a day. You come back and eat and do nothing. I think you should go in the evening too! This will keep you fit. Mole you have become so lazy! We will go out in the evening and buy you some more gym cothes.

11-25 days-

Mom- You come back from gym and you eat and then you are on bed like you are some old lady. When I was your age, I was married, had a job and also had you in my womb. How will you manage a family. You cannot even cook a chappati properly! You know Mrs. Susheea’s daughter Meena? She just finished school and she makes the dinner, while her mother rests. Tch Tch! What are we going to do with you!

Granny- You are ripe now!  Eligible to get married and you are still stubborn. Why cannot you eat rice and sambar eh? We will get you married to someone who eats just rice and lives for rice. Kids these days do not mature only! How will you take care of a child!! 

Father- Why are you watching Masterchef Australia? I would understand it if you actually moved your lazy bum up from the chair and made something they cook on this show. Why can’t you watch the news channel? Ones you get your Law degree, I am thinking about sending you to Delhi and you shall prepare for your Civil Judge exam. Why have you not sorted out your life yet? Tch Tch!

NOW, all I dream of is my Hostel bed, but I have 16 days more left at my home where like I said before, apparently my heart is. Life is so awesome when you are far away from your family and all you get is those loving and caring calls by your parents. I love my family and I cannot ask for a better one because I am blessed with the perfect one, but ones you have tasted freedom or life on your own, you become intolerant to dominance. I agree I am lazy, and I am not mature and I am not half the perfect woman my Mother is, but I am me!! Someone says I am perfect and I like to believe him.

Meet My Family,

Father- I can kill you for him and yes die for him too. The first man in my life and the best one too! He is the reason why I am proud of myself.

Mother- Too sweet to be true. Has a 9 to 6 job, but always took care of me as if she is a housewife. Too innocent, beautiful and the woman I want to be.

Granny- Looks sinfully beautiful even with those wrinkles at the age of 74. Makes the best food my Taste buds have tasted. A gem of a woman whom life has made strong.

Brother- He and I share a love hate relationship, but he will kick anyone’s ass if I ask him to. 

P.S- I did not reply to the comments on my last post, because seriously I did not know what to reply with. I am really thankful to everyone who read because you know it means a hell lot!

P.P.S- I am overeating. The gymming is making me real tired and end up hogging as if my life depends on it. I cannot diet! But yes I am not putting on weight.  Somebody kill my gym trainer. Please!

ImageCourtesy- iamstillzero.blogspot.com