Monday 19 December 2011


Dear Santa,

Now just because I am writing you a letter, doesn’t mean that I believe in your existence. You are like the promise my Dad makes of not beating me to pulp if I speak the truth i.e void ab initio. Talking about my Dad, he hates you too because unlike other Dads he never tried to become your imposter and leave me Christmas presents. 
On a serious note, what are you doing in the North Pole? Did you choose that place because there are no screeching penguins out there? What about the Polar bears?! Talking about Polar bears, why did you choose a reindeer to fly your mass around to throw gifts down random people’s home chimney? Why not a really easy to catch polar bear from the North Pole? You guys even share a similar body weight. And what if people don’t have chimneys standing tall on top of their homes?

Aren’t you bored of your attire? I mean come on, you do look like a clown sometimes. And what is with Rudolph’s nose? Why is it red anyway? I thought you amongst all wouldn’t be into drugs. Atleast leave the animals alone. I would also like to question you as to who gave you the right to decide which person has been naughty and who has been nice. In my world, naughty can have a very kinky definition too, is it the same definition you share? Then everyone is naughty, nobody shows it. 
So now let me get a bit selfish. I would like to ask you something for myself and this is new for me in my 22 yrs of existence. Now I know that all you do is make your elf slaves make toys and then you like a postman deliver it worldwide on your personal sleigh. But I don’t want toys for I am too old for that. Nah, no sex toys too. I want you to kill for me. I want you to be generous enough to do some real red blood work for me. I have a list of people I want you to kill because I personally believe that they shouldn’t be alive.

People in my HIT list-
1)      People who assume that I give a damn- So Mr Santa, there are a certain bunch of self conscious bimbos who believe that I live to hear out their bogus life crap. These dung balls don’t even find it important to know if I want to hear to their cries of madness or whether I am atleast vaguely interested in their saga. Why do they assume that my ears are free for their nonchalant bashing of bullshit?
2)      People who bring babies to the theatre- Dear White beard man, these people think that a red blood thumb sucking flesh, draped in a hello kitty piece of cloth understands a movie and thus is eligible to watch a 3 hour show with the normal brained plebeians like us. Now most of the time the movie itself is crappy and what makes it even more terrible is the bawling baby leaking mucus down my sleeve, because I always end up sitting beside such a booby parent.
3)      People other than my family who are interested in my future- So sir, I am in my final year of law and people have started inquiring about my future plans. That includes my career, my marriage and sometimes even the number of kids I want to reproduce. I live a very instant, on the edge life and I don’t think of the future, mostly because I am a lazy ass numbnut who isn’t yet serious about her own life. Please spoon out the eyes of those who ruin my mind by giving their opinions as to what I should do with my life, when they clearly aren’t successful in theirs. Oh kill them too!
4)      People who think they are fat but are clearly not- I don’t have a problem with the anorexic chicks. I have a problem when thin sticks come to a whale like me and ask me if they are fat. I have an issue with the fact that they choose me to voice an opinion regarding their body mass index. They think it’s justifiable to call themselves fat when they are half my size. I think it is their way to coyly and innocently call me fat, without getting an earful and an ass whipping from me. Use a chainsaw when you kill them please.
5)      Kill yourself if you exist- You are a sexist! You never tell us what you do with the list you make of the Naughty girls. You never let Mrs Claus share your limelight by allowing her to ride with you. You lie that you slide down the chimneys to deliver the gifts, when you yourself know that your potbelly will never make it through. You make the poor animals drag your weight around in the sky and make them cover the entire globe. You are not a secular man and you are very discriminatory. You never slide down the chimneys of homes where children of religions other than Christianity live. You laugh boisterously going all ‘HO HO HO’, thus making little kids learn their first cuss ‘HOE’. Jump off the sleigh this time!!

Now that you have already added my name to the Naughty list, I would like to let you know that under no circumstances am I going to sleep with you. But yes you can share the naughty boys list with me.
Never Yours,
Red Handed


  1. hahahaaa :) dude this was an awesoem awesome post..though i love Santa and everything associated with his, i must say your post got me into splits !!

  2. Seems like someone could use a couple of Vodka shots in the middle of day :P.

    Trademark RED post, had me guffawing in laughter first thing in the morning.

    Cheers :)

  3. "People who bring babies to the theatre" - Agree..!!!
    Loved th post..!!!

  4. Hmn... I agree with the list for to be killed people but then killing and hating santa is not part of my plans :) :)

    RED!!!!! God, how I have missed you.
    HAhahahahahahaha LOL.
    Anorexic girls talking about fat NEED.TO.TERMINATE.ASAP !! I feel like a blue whale+African elephant in front of them >.<
    I love you. And your blog.
    Kisses and hugs.
    Dhed saara pyaar.

  6. I LOVE THIS POST. All those sentiments, exactly mine. xD

  7. hehehe you said all this, yet you want the boys list :p hehehe

  8. You seem to be pissed!!! Well I do agree with points 2 and 3..!!! Just hate it when babies are screaming at the top of their possible voice and the parents continue laughing at jokes trying to rock the baby to sleep!!

  9. hahahahah that was one heck of a hilarious post RED... :D .. He'd never make it down the chimney coz of his belly...shya why didn't I think of that? No wonder I never got presents personally delivered by him :P ...

    Ohh and thew lot you'd like to murder..pls ask him to come visit those folks in my life too...would be nice :P

  10. Eeks! I get to comment first :D

    Thats all! :)

  11. whoa...thats a lot of anger! :D...I can almost picture a frowny and busted santa :P

    and i hope those featured in your list at least trip and fall into a puddle...if not get slaughtered :)

  12. omg
    and miss you stole the show like never before.
    this was full on dhasu post mahn..! :P
    see you bring out the best of the best tapori in me

    *whistling* :) :) :) :)
    em soo happy..!
    merry xmas...!
    and that fat point is so bloodyy true.. i so badly agree with all the points


  13. tee hee itna frustration? i never believed in santa so i cant vent my frustration like that but still, will figure out some other way ;)

  14. Hahahahahahahahaha....RED!!!!

    I LOVE you for this phantashtic and gazab ki post!!! =D

  15. Entertaining...

    If you did recieve a replay please post it too...

    and if he choose to share the naughty boys list, that too..

    If he choose to grand you the wishes then dont forget to let me know... i have a list of my own too :P

    Take care

  16. he he he SO true .. maybe if he had to work all other days he would know the difference :)

    a merry christmas to you have a great one .. well if he has added u to the list then you are lucky still He He HO HO :)


  17. That was one heck of a list!! Totally agree with 2,3 & 4. Bang on!

  18. U are a different kind of a blogger , great post as always.

  19. So you are the Grinch that stole Christmas, eh? I think you must also be deriving sadistic pleasure in breaking the 'Santa Claus' myth to kids :D :D
    The post was humorous no doubt, but Santa and Christmas are warm thoughts to help get through the chill winter - that's how I see it. For all that rant, I think you agree here :)

  20. so what u want to say is ,"die **** die"?

  21. 4th point!! I hear you!!

    And the 5th point. Ha ha.. Seriously, I never saw it that way. Share the naughty boys list- you little devil. :P

    Merry Christmas! I'll leave you a gift. :)

  22. The last point made me laugh out LOUD!!! Hahaha! Another category of people to kill: Those who bring little kids on 14 hour flights without pacifiers! Those irritating nuggets cry non stop and ruin the whole journey.


  23. gahahahahahaha..ouch ouch ouch
    LADAAAYYY..m suffering from a life threatening sprain since the past 2 days..and you give Me THISSSS ?
    I cant even laugh properly right now..grr

    wokay that is probably the cutest rant of a letter anybody has ever written to Santa Uncle :D

    and you certainly have a brilliant list of people out there ready to be scooted off from the face of planet earth..!
    M tired of nodding and bobbing my paining neck to every point of thy
    so i don have anything to say..

    And yesss Mr.Santa is one BIGG BADDD MAN..
    Sigh..Oh the cruel world..

    And you my child..


    Merry the Christmas..:)

    Cheers louly..:)

  24. Hmm..! Good one..! Although you have nailed Santa, he just goes around distributing gifts , and that too once a it doesnt hurt much even for the reindeers.They have a whole year to take rest...and besides, its not just one reindeer...there are a dozen of them and I guess then it doesnt hurt!
    And I never have taken my baby to the theatre...but there are people who cant afford baby sitters or bring relatives 2 look after their infants, but really want to watch a movie..(nine months and another few newborn caring period feels like a decade to parents ) however they end up spoiling movie time for other people, who also paid for watching the movie and not the baby, but it could not be intentional from the parents side :)

  25. Too good.... love your sense of humour..... :)

  26. I love Santa! Miss Red giving supari to Santa!! :D :D

  27. Woah! Someone does not like Santa :P
    Rudolph has a cute nose :D I like it :)

    Our hit list does match though :P Noisy kids in the theater! X( They are annoying!

    Thanks a ton for your wishes :)

  28. hahahaha :D Oh God! You are the limit! :) Love your writing sweets! :) You are awesome!

    And you don't like Santa?

  29. @sulagna- hehehe a childish post this was..thankyou:)
    @Atrocious Scribblings- Thankyou so much. This isnt a serious in I dint work hard for this :)
    @Raghu- Thankyou soo much!
    @Purvi- Thankyou for readign !!
    @BlahBlahholic- heheh dhed saare pyaar for you too girl!! Bahut saaaaraa!
    @Crystal- yayayaya!!!!
    @Joshidaniel- I am glad you commented..Love your clicks!! Big fan
    @writing bee- Thankyou for reading girl :)
    @confused soul- If h ever visit me...I will give your address too :D
    @Sarah- :( you ddint..but thanks for reading!!
    @indumathy Sukanya-Ok puddle fall will do too :D
    @savaiba- Draling!!!thankyou my personal cute tapori!!!! Mwah
    @maniac.hunter- this is a bogus post...kuch likhna tha na :D
    @Mirage- I knw meine bakwas likha hai. I was out f ideas :D
    @Raniyal- heheheh! Allright..if he visit me..I will ask him to grant your wishes to..and naughty boys list :P Let me thnk :P
    @ Bikramjit- whcih list exactly :D
    @Adi- thankyou!
    @Vimitha- Dont take this seriously. I wrote this coz I had to update the blog and write something vaguely funny :D
    @Quatertoinsane- :)
    @Sameera- will share it after I have scanned down the ahndsome looking dudes frm tht list :D
    @mEOWWW- cUTEST RANT?? :d AWWW HUGS!!!big bad man only!!
    @Anita- Hey no offence meant here. I am sry if you took it that way :) This is one crap post..just for the sake of writing. :) Thanks for reading.
    @jojofeelings- Thankyou :)
    @maithili- hehehe thankyou babe
    !Philo- Rudolph is into drugs :D

  30. @Namrata Mahalingam- Hheheh I dont believ in him. Never have :D

  31. The naughty list of Santa .. that list ..


  32. There’s also a striking similarity between Santa and Polar Bear. The hairs on Santa’s face are more than on Bear’s body. Santa 1 Polar Bear 0.
    I can vouch for your list and fully support you. Bring your demands under Lokpal if Santa fail to deliver.

  33. No one can cook up a post like you.. Anything you write, you rock.. And poor Santa, he is not smart enough to have expected that someone like you is gonna kick him from the behind ;)

  34. And yet again, You make me laugh!!! Wohooo. I was actually kinda low today and after reading this I feel so much better. I've been reading so many sweet letters to santa that this change was a requirement. Ah!!!

  35. Whoa-bechaara Santa, such a good old man serving humanity for generations and look how he's being made me laugh despite my love for Santa and everything Christmas-y:-)

    although i still want to know what's a HOE:( yes, my Santa did not teach me that and went away:-)
    Mrs Santa says thank you btw!

  36. I hate the 3rd and loathe the 4th category. I don't even like to be around them...4th ones reminds me of the quantity of food I eat and the clothes I am never fit in...

    I think even I have to prepare a list. On top of it is that Indian family who live upstairs and because of them we haven't slept properly since we moved in.

  37. who's the funniest girl in the blogosphere? the funniest girl in the blogosphere?

    Hi Red! :)

    You make me jealous at times, you big sperm whale (actual breed. google)

    and u know who;s number one in santa's list of naughty girls?

    Justin Bieber! :)

  38. Oh dear, such hatred! I wonder if the poor Santa will be able to bear with that. Yet again, spiteful vengeance does make for hilarity, with the way you put it. Nice read! :)

  39. Now THIS wishlist.. errr.. hit list, I like!!! :D
    Am tired of seeing boring old wishlists. Just the other day a couple came to MI4 with their baby. MI4. :| He was bawling his head off at Tom Cruise's action, and THEY instead of at least taking the baby outside, sat glued to their seats trying to shush him so that they don't miss the movie.
    And no I don't want them dead. I want them locked up in a room for a week with a hundred bawling babies.

  40. Hahaha! Do mail me a copy of naughty boys list in case you get one from Santa:P Love the HIT list, especially those buggers who think they can advise any bullshit to anyone!

  41. hahhahahahha.....but then remember the movie Bad Santa....oh well, still can't stoop laughing.

  42. Hope Santa noted each and every word...Merry Christmas.

  43. You are right!! you are so right!! he has been judgemental throughout..
    I have never thought about this side until you wrote so blatantly about it!
    I like it! :D

  44. @Bikramjit- I just want the boys list :D
    @Prateek- gahahahaha funniest comment ever! seriously this lokpal thing!! gahahah
    @Keirthana- hey that was really super sweet of you!! This was one bogus post :)
    @Sonshu- Why are you low anyway? You are too cute for all tht grumpy face and sad thing...
    @Suruchi- I pray tht this year santa comes and tells you the meaning of HOE :D...Okie bad idea. Hey I love christmas too but never believe in Snata...My dad was very practical and never let me beleive in him :(
    @Saru Singhal- hehehehehe I am sorrryyy abt tht Indian family! God! Some people do really test the strength of our nerves!
    @Kalpak- Me big sperm whale :( geheheheh I like tht name!!! And funniest to tum ho..yes boy mein. I you make me go all green!
    @Rose- thankyou ever sooo much!!
    @Tnagerine- I lovveee tht movie..cute no?!!
    @Alka Gurha- hehehe Merry Christmas to you too!

  45. @metagravity- hehehehe Thankyou for reading this :D

  46. One of the best posts I've read in a very long time!
    Ho ho ho(e) !! ;)
    Merry Christmas! :P

  47. Oh dear..Number 4 is on my list too..hehehe...I would've loved to be Santa Claus...I get to keep elves as my slaves..

    P:S: Do share the naughty boys list.. :D

  48. Ha ha ha....what a read!! The description of babies was menacingly awesome :D

    But I just have a feeling that Santa the Sardar might end up reading this and thinking it's another joke about him :P :P

  49. Ho!Ho!Ho! I didn't get any of my playmates of the year like i requested...ever....

    Die, Santa! Die!

  50. Hi Red,

    Once again a post that will make others laugh out of nothing :) also making others cry is far more easier than making them laugh and i am sure you made many of them laugh :) hats off!! The santa has became your bunny (for a change :P :P.. because you will be receiving end most of the times :) )

  51. Rudolph into drugs? :O No!! :( Never mind. I still love him :D

  52. Even i have the number 2 on my list....getting babies in theatres.........(or public transport)....aaaarghhh! Hate them.
    And the last point...dammit....i cracked up! hahahha :)
    Reli Funny!

  53. lol... but finally u made your wish clear to him goodie goodie :)
    I remeber as a kid.. I use to belive that he exists and used to write hima letter keep it under the pillow and used to hang one sock on my terrace so that heknews where he has to deliver the gifts :D

  54. @Enchanta- Hehee Thankyou ever sooooooooo much!
    @Blue Lotus- ELFES as slaves :D...I wud end up luking more fat.. :( Let me think abt the sharing of the list :D
    @Prosenjeet- Poor Santa the Indian one :(...I first wanted to write to him :P
    @RAJ- Playmates!!!!!!! Kyaa??!! But yeh..DIE SANTA DIE!
    @Ravishankar- Oh yes! This time people wont laugh at my expense :P
    @Philo- I love him too!
    @Madhusha- Thanks for reading!!
    @Chakoli- Socks on your terrace!!HOW CUTTTTTTTTTTEEE!!I was a very boring kid :(

  55. lol! that was refreshingly funny!

  56. Lols . Great post . Don't kill him though . He has brought me a lot of gifts today .

  57. I think it's time Coca Cola re-paints Santa Claus for you and draw some naughty girls he has been avoiding -- as dancing next to him ;)

    BTW, I think you may have information I am looking for, given that you are a law student :D

  58. Thats such a different take on Santa and wishlists!!Hilarious!

    This is my first time here! I think i m going to keep coming back!!

    My world,my thoughts,my musings...

  59. Thank you so much for your lovely comment :)
    I'll be away for a while. So happy new year to you in advance :)

  60. God... from where you get all these ideas????
    No:1 and No:3 in your hit list comes as 1 and 2 in mine ;) If you get hold of Santa, send to me too.. Merry Xmas. and Happy newyear

  61. Hmm.. Your Post is funny, but kind of negative in many levels. I agree with the 1 and 3 on the hit list. Still in spite of all his faults, Santa is kind of cute part of a warm fuzzy cozy Christmas.Mahabali, Santa all have become really commercialized now, I'm sure they would be really embarrassed to be walking around in those costumes showing off their pot bellies.

  62. :)... You r simply superb, directly taking panga with Santa... Maintain your writing style.. Loved it. :) :)

  63. @magiceye- Thankyou :)
    @Of Prisms and Lives- Ok I will get him next time!!! Just because you said!
    @Blunt Blogger- Wht information???!!!
    @Upasana- Hey welcome to my poor little blog :)
    @Soumya- hehehehe
    @philo- :)
    @Jane Doe- I will catch him next year. I shall definitely send him to you :P
    @Sunitha- Just a fun post...I dint mean to ruin the spirit of Christmas Santa does bring warm memories..I agree!
    @Mithlash- Hey that was sweet! Thankyou!

  64. Sui generis!
    haha..hilarious :)


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