YOU JUDGMENTAL PRICK!!

Dear Santa,

Now just because I am writing you a letter, doesn’t mean that I believe in your existence. You are like the promise my Dad makes of not beating me to pulp if I speak the truth i.e void ab initio. Talking about my Dad, he hates you too because unlike other Dads he never tried to become your imposter and leave me Christmas presents. 

   

On a serious note, what are you doing in the North Pole? Did you choose that place because there are no screeching penguins out there? What about the Polar bears?! Talking about Polar bears, why did you choose a reindeer to fly your mass around to throw gifts down random people’s home chimney? Why not a really easy to catch polar bear from the North Pole? You guys even share a similar body weight. And what if people don’t have chimneys standing tall on top of their homes?

Aren’t you bored of your attire? I mean come on, you do look like a clown sometimes. And what is with Rudolph’s nose? Why is it red anyway? I thought you amongst all wouldn’t be into drugs. Atleast leave the animals alone. I would also like to question you as to who gave you the right to decide which person has been naughty and who has been nice. In my world, naughty can have a very kinky definition too, is it the same definition you share? Then everyone is naughty, nobody shows it. 

   

So now let me get a bit selfish. I would like to ask you something for myself and this is new for me in my 22 yrs of existence. Now I know that all you do is make your elf slaves make toys and then you like a postman deliver it worldwide on your personal sleigh. But I don’t want toys for I am too old for that. Nah, no sex toys too. I want you to kill for me. I want you to be generous enough to do some real red blood work for me. I have a list of people I want you to kill because I personally believe that they shouldn’t be alive.

People in my HIT list-

 

1)      People who assume that I give a damn- So Mr Santa, there are a certain bunch of self conscious bimbos who believe that I live to hear out their bogus life crap. These dung balls don’t even find it important to know if I want to hear to their cries of madness or whether I am atleast vaguely interested in their saga. Why do they assume that my ears are free for their nonchalant bashing of bullshit?

2)      People who bring babies to the theatre- Dear White beard man, these people think that a red blood thumb sucking flesh, draped in a hello kitty piece of cloth understands a movie and thus is eligible to watch a 3 hour show with the normal brained plebeians like us. Now most of the time the movie itself is crappy and what makes it even more terrible is the bawling baby leaking mucus down my sleeve, because I always end up sitting beside such a booby parent.

3)      People other than my family who are interested in my future- So sir, I am in my final year of law and people have started inquiring about my future plans. That includes my career, my marriage and sometimes even the number of kids I want to reproduce. I live a very instant, on the edge life and I don’t think of the future, mostly because I am a lazy ass numbnut who isn’t yet serious about her own life. Please spoon out the eyes of those who ruin my mind by giving their opinions as to what I should do with my life, when they clearly aren’t successful in theirs. Oh kill them too!

4)      People who think they are fat but are clearly not- I don’t have a problem with the anorexic chicks. I have a problem when thin sticks come to a whale like me and ask me if they are fat. I have an issue with the fact that they choose me to voice an opinion regarding their body mass index. They think it’s justifiable to call themselves fat when they are half my size. I think it is their way to coyly and innocently call me fat, without getting an earful and an ass whipping from me. Use a chainsaw when you kill them please.

5)      Kill yourself if you exist- You are a sexist! You never tell us what you do with the list you make of the Naughty girls. You never let Mrs Claus share your limelight by allowing her to ride with you. You lie that you slide down the chimneys to deliver the gifts, when you yourself know that your potbelly will never make it through. You make the poor animals drag your weight around in the sky and make them cover the entire globe. You are not a secular man and you are very discriminatory. You never slide down the chimneys of homes where children of religions other than Christianity live. You laugh boisterously going all ‘HO HO HO’, thus making little kids learn their first cuss ‘HOE’. Jump off the sleigh this time!!

Now that you have already added my name to the Naughty list, I would like to let you know that under no circumstances am I going to sleep with you. But yes you can share the naughty boys list with me.

   

Never Yours,

  

Red Handed