How To Have The Perfect Matrimonial Profile- FOR MEN....

Are you a 30 year old guy with no luck in the girlfriend department? Are you the father of a son who is an IIT product, earns a few lakhs per month and is eligible for marriage at 26? Are you a 29 year old man who has banged a dozen chicks, is currently dating 3 girls in a single slot but still wants to marry a virgin girl your mother chooses? Or are you an 18 year old boy who is looking for true love in a way that is approved by the Indian society? Whoever you are, matrimonial website is your answer.

Making a profile on a matrimonial website is an art. As someone who has adequate experience in this field, I know what it takes to be noticed. Women have it easy since all they require is a good display picture and a bio that reads “Traditional but with a modern approach”. A little assistance from the family photographer who swiftly clicks a picture of her with a tilted head and hands resting on a fake midget pillar stone, she is ready to conquer the matrimonial website. But for you my dear men, it is not that easy. You need to flash your goodness and awesomeness shamelessly to lure the citizens of the kingdom of muliebrity. You need a profile that makes a woman skip a heartbeat when she receives the Interest request sent by you. You need to be the lion, standing out from a pack of unshaven babies.

A matrimonial profile can be divided into two parts- Personal information and Partner preference.  Personal Information is that worm on the hook which will help you catch a good looking fish. You need to brazenly parade your goodness and masculinity like the birds of paradise. Being a girl who has been enlisted in one of the premium matrimonial sites by her beautiful parents, I do receive a few interest requests every now and then. Some of them indeed caught my interest and I am pasting a few screen shots of their ‘Personal Information’ for your perusal.

Next,  you need to provide details regarding your partner preference. Imagine yourself as a clueless prince in any Disney movie, who is riding his horse aimlessly through forests, searching for his one true love. What would you want your perfect partner to be like? Yet again for your benefit I am pasting a few screenshots of some of the gorgeous proposals that I received. Follow their suit.

It kills me that I couldn’t match up to their partner preference. It kills me that I am not perfect enough. It kills me that my horoscope matches only 50% with theirs. We could have worked it out but the Kundli came in the way. Sigh! May be the next hero will be my Knight in cream lungi.

So my gorgeous men, I hope this helped you. I hope that after reading this you go and register yourself on the matrimonial website that your community believes in. Throw in a few bucks to get your profile highlighted in blue because trust me no one wants to miss a catch like you.

Ok enough of this tomfoolery. In all frankness, being a part of matrimonial websites is crushing down my pride. Self love is diminishing and I am questioning my worth. When you receive such genius proposals, you begin to doubt if you deserve any better. Relatives call it high expectations and the society keeps reminding you how you are a rotting mango at 24. Frankly, I pity my parents. Being part of a society that casts a moral and strict duty on the parents to find a soul mate for their kids is something that I find weird on a personal basis. Being a malayalee is even worse. The moment I hit puberty, my father started investing on gold while my mother kept her Provident Fund untouched for her daughter’s marriage that will happen in a future that isn’t anywhere close.

Dear Mom and Dad, it is not your duty to get me married. It was your duty to raise me and you did it really well. Retire, take your PF and go on a world tour or buy a summer house in Malibu. You truly deserve it. Now, let us talk about the gold that you have collected to gold plate me on my wedding. Well, you can still give it to me. I am not rude to say no to such generosity. Why make marriage a condition prerequisite? Just saying.

P.S- I am not against matrimonial websites. Many found love through it. I am just talking for myself here. :)