YES TO ABORTION...

So Yes I support abortion. Now before you point at me and call me a baby killer or stamp the tag of being a woman who might have aborted a baby, let me tell you I have not done any such thing. But If I had to, I would and as much I would hate myself for aborting the foetus, I still will. 

Now I know that almost everyone agrees with the concept of abortion when it comes to cases of Rape and when the life of the woman might be at stake. But what about cases of unwanted pregnancies as a result of lack of usage of proper protections? I see you all frowning at it now. Now according to me there are four sets of people who are against the concept of abortion- 

1) The Married people- These people do not mind having a baby, since the society wont look down on them if the woman gets pregnant.

2) The Virgins- This set of people will stand outside and just give their viewpoints, without actually trying to step into the minds of those who are going through it.

3) The Lucky Ones- They used protection and even when they did not, it never made the girl pregnant.

4) Those who don’t believe in pre-marital sex.

I respect their viewpoints and they might be right, but that does not make me wrong. Now I am not going to talk about abortion as a result of rape but I am referring to sex between two people who are really in love which resulted in pregnancy and no they are not married. I see you all rolling your eyes already and that is exactly what your problem is.

We have reached an age where more than half of the crowd which is getting married, is not anywhere close to being a virgin. This is the time of pre-marital sex and everyone is enlightened enough to know about protections. No one wants to take a risk and I don’t think there is anything called as unprotected sex anymore, especially if it is before marriage and with the consent of both the parties to it. Either the guy uses condom, or the girl uses the pill before 72 hours or the guy does not cum in her or it could be a combination of all three. Either way, people who have sex before marriage know the risks involved and thus use protection. But what if the woman still gets pregnant? Is it her fault?

Now she can do two things if she gets pregnant- 

 A-  Be an unmarried pregnant lady, thus causing the society to spit on her face. She will make her family's name dissolve into thin nothingness, make the relatives talk, get chucked out of the social circle and declared unwanted.

       B-   Abort the foetus which would have been born with the status of being unwanted or an accident.

Yes, some of you would be coming up with a solution of the boy and girl being forced to marry and thus raising the child. But what if they do not want to marry now? What if they are not secure or mature enough to deal with such a situation? What if they are just not ready for it? Yes I hear you saying, that then they should have never had sex. But who are you to decide that? Sex is a choice and it’s not for the bystanders to decide. 

I do not support abortion after the foetus is 20 weeks old. But I will still support it if it endangers the life of the woman. We have a right over our own body and we are at liberty to choose. Do not be against abortion if you believe in pre marital sex, and if you do not believe in pre marital sex don’t judge those who do. It is their choice not yours.  

P.S- This is my viewpoint and I am in no way starting a debate here. If you are against abortion, good for you but do not think that leaving anonymous unnecessary comments under this post, will change the way I think. If you have anything to say, say it with poise and if you want to shoot me down with your harsh words, dedicate a post against this on your blog.

How to Win an argument with a Woman??

I am giving away the most life changing solution here. As much as I am scared of being banished from the kingdom of muliebrity, I will still take my chances here. Men all around the globe have been researching on this topic and you can find numerous videos on youtube by the sterner sex trying to crack this question. Below you will find a step wise guide to ultimately defeating your female in a battle of arguments.

STEP 1- Find the Hidden meaning. When your woman starts to yell about the garbage can not being emptied by you the previous night, it is definitely not the only thing she is yelling about. Take a second to scan your one week history, because your woman is yelling at you for more reasons than just a garbage can. It could be something as random as the 2 second look you gave to another woman while dining with your girl.

STEP 2- Don’t let her stray from the point. Now that you know that there is a hidden agenda behind her GARBAGE CAN story, try to restrict her arguments to just the complaint that the words which came out of her mouth reflected. A woman is like WIKIPEDIA, she has the details of every little thing you did or omitted to do while you were supposed to do it, in her brain. Whenever she sees herself loosing in front of your logical explanations, she brings out that historical event and bombards you with it which eventually renders you incapable. 

STEP 3- Never curse. You do not want to add new events in her History book, thus causing future calamities. Craft your words sharp but keep a check on them. A woman will bring out her ultimate weapon that is ‘TEARS’ if she has no reasonable argument to counter your explanation and if you curse her, she will finally have a reason to bring out those crocodile tears, even if it did not hurt her a tinge.

STEP 4- Use her History Book method i.e Cite Precedents. Now a woman loves to shower your history on you which has the effect of shooting a poisoned arrow right on your bum, but she never expects you to do the same. Think of a situation where she did something which really hurt you and use it as your secret weapon. 

STEP 5- Be senseless. If you are logical and if you make sense, you are bound to fail. If the History you chose in Step 4 did not do the magic, jump to random arguments which may have nothing to do with the actual topic. Bring out stuffs like hairbrush left on the table with strands of hair still on it, how she ignores you because of her daily soaps etc. Make her speechless and by that I mean to keep talking until she gives up arguing.

STEP 6- Make her feel guilty. Now that you have become senseless and are almost on the verge of success, remind her of all the good things you have done for her. Women are the most guilty conscious species alive on the face of the Universe. Make a sad face, look straight in her eyes, force a bit of extra moisture in your eyes and with a low voice tell her how much you love her and what all you do just to make her happy. Make things up, you being MEN should be awesome at it.

STEP 7- Topic Forgotten. By now, your woman would be hugging you or would have cooled down atleast, with a guilty smile on her face. Hug her tight, say a sorry for the non disposal of the Garbage , and also make a secret note in your head as to always stare at random girls when your girl in not anywhere in the vicinity. 

STEP 8- Mission accomplished. Bask in the victory spotlight my manipulative friend!

PAIN IN THE BUTT

My bum is not in its pink of health and happiness. Sitting has become a major challenge now, much to the happiness of my mother who believes that your Butt-cheeks expand if you sit for long. I have not tried to research using Google in this regard because I have much better things to do like falling down the stairs while humming the tune of Himesh Reshamiya’s latest ‘I MISS YOU LIKE MANGO’.

So I fell and my brother ran to my rescue, atleast that is what I like to believe though the nincompoop was much more interested to scrutinize if any cracks had developed on the staircase as a result of my butt touching the stairs in a banging manner. The Russell Peters dialogue ‘BE A MAN’ hit my head and I applied MOVE on my left butt-cheek, followed by getting ready to hit the gym where my OH SO GAY trainer awaits to make me feel like a guinea pig running inside the wheel in a chemistry lab.

I forbade myself from squeezing my own ass due to the immense pain while walking and reached the gym after driving almost standing on my humble Activa. To my greatest happiness my trainer was on leave and another trainer with a butt which might make Jennifer Lopez insecure took the opportunity to instruct me for the day. His CHIHUAHUA face made me feel that he would be lenient and that today’s working out would be like finishing up a piece of chocolate truffle, quick and easy. But you know God has made me his source of comical entertainment and he loves to point at me and laugh. The JLo butt trainer was actually a CHIHUAHUA with the soul of a Rottweiler and he made me run for 25 min straight, followed by spin bike for 20 min and other machines for an hour. I was in the gym for 2 hours and he wanted me to stay back for half an hour more. Now no one can blame me for bringing up the excuse of my (long back expired) Grandfather’s sudden need to visit the doctor, whose appointment has already been taken. 

I returned home and rubbed my aching left butt-cheek in the presence of my family and threw myself on the bed, crashing on my stomach. My brother had already spread the news of me almost cracking the staircase with my butt and my mother was demanding her right to see my 22 yr old Thunder Bum. Now she is someone who wouldn’t bless me with Pin drop silence until I give her what she wants and in this case, it was the view of my YOU-KNOW-WHAT. I took her to my room, closed the door as my Grandmother too tried to come for the viewing ceremony and allowed my mother to see what she wanted to see. After close introspection she said something which will remain in my head for a long time, even if it is not forever.

She said “ Your left butcheek looks like Akon’s Face now"

P.S- I am typing this while standing. The blood clot has reduced considerably but still makes me wince as I sit. Sunday is GYM holiday and I am giving my Bum the rest it deserves.

P.P.S- My brother today bought Lakme Perfect Radiance Fairness cream worth 175 bucks. He is 14 yr old. He now wants to buy OLAY men’s solution and asked me to give my opinion in this regard. All I could suggest to him was ‘Become a Man first my little boy’.

INDIA FLYING

There used to be a time when we used to label the people who have travelled by air even ones as ‘RICH’. There used to be a time when going by flight somewhere would invite lines like ‘Wo toh bade insaan ho gaye hain. Plane shane mein savari karte hain’. Travelling by an airplane used to be a dream and something everyone used as a mark of status and sometimes even as a means to show off. 

Now the system has changed. People of all money groups can be seen in the economy class of flights and I am not mocking anyone when I say this, but the art of showing off has reached a whole new level. I was coming back home from Kerala and I had to take two flights to reach home since there are no direct flights to Bhopal. My parents don’t fancy me travelling alone till Bhopal by train since the journey is 2 days long. Airports are safer according to them and there are lesser chances of me being raped and robbed on air. Also I get to be home in four hours. 

So about the showing off part I was mentioning earlier. I was flabbergasted by the way some people change their whole personality the moment they enter an airport and even the way they behave after taking a one hour journey by a frigging plane. Some of the qualities are even inbuilt in us Indians. The following are my observations-

FASHION MALFUNCTION- I could spot so many aunties who were wearing skin kissing glittery tops with slacks or tights and heels which clearly are not meant for their legs. When you look at them, you know that they have spent their entire life in Saree with ghajra on their head. You can also find Men wearing Goggles which clearly looks like a free item on buying HORLICKS. Their whole outlook is a mixture of village India and fake city look. 

ACCENT TRAGEDY- Sudden outburst of wrong and unwanted English is what I came across in the flight. A lady who sat beside me asked me something which I took minutes to clearly understand. She said “Snakes money why no free free? Bhaisa said free free. Take me 50 rupeej for COCK”. I begged her to talk in Hindi and she attested me as being an ILLITERATE DUMB BITCH. She flashed her Tobacco stained teeth as she said ‘Snacks ke liye paise kyun? Mere Bhaisa ne kaha ki free hoga. COCA COLA ke liye 50 rupeej manga’.

EXTRA BAGGAGE- This is what we are famous for. We just cannot travel light be it for even just 5 days. Especially if you are taking a flight from Kerala, you can even find people taking cartons of JACKFRUIT and COCONUTS to their place of destination. The hand baggage includes Airbags, backpacks, plastic bags with things like ‘RAJU LADIES TAILOR/ PRIYA PANTIES AND BRAZIER/ KAKKA DA DHABA’ written on it.

LOOTING ATTITUDE- Now offcourse you are paying for your flight ticket which sometimes includes food. I have noticed some fellow Indians taking things like MINT, MILK POWDER, KETCHUP, PICKLE POUCH, JAM, and BUTTER that they receive and keeping it in their bags for future purposes. I have nothing against this section of the crowd because even I can be included in them. What cracks me up if when I find people even hiding forks, spoons, JET AIRWAYS Magazines and even Safety tip Pamphlets. They use these as souvenirs’, something which shows that they have traveled by air and acts as an evidence.

We Indians are a funny lot. We have a joker hiding inside us and we can crack people up without even trying. But we are proud of ourselves too. Aren’t we? 

P.S- I hate my stupid gym instructor! Sala! Today he took me to this room and started throwing giant balls at me (balls as in the B for BALL one you dirty swine!). I was asked to run around and place them back in the rack. He did this for frigging 10 mins. What am I 12? Also he did not let me have water. A TOPNOTCH ASSHOLE!

P.P.S- Not one of the posts I am proud of, but I had to update this space somehow. Already somebody unfollowed me. SIGH!

P.P.P.S- An image which portrays my sorry state of life very aptly.

   

 Image Coutesy- whiteindianhousewife.com (Image 1)

THE WORKOUT TRAGEDY

Ladies and Gentlemen! Yes finally it happened. The birds have started to fly upside down I guess and the Sun will soon start rising from the west. Now anything is possible and by anything I mean every damn thing.

Red Handed has finally stepped inside a gym for the first time in her life and the credits goes to her sheer willpower and want for the perfect body. Fine A-holes! It was because my Father dragged me to the gym because my Mother was continuously pressuring the poor man to do so. The gym package is for 1 and a half months since I am at home only for that much time and the package includes normal gym workout, cardio, aerobics, power yoga, personal trainer, steam bath, spa, and a dietician. Yes my Family wants me slim and extra trim!

 

I was going to throw one of my legendary temper tantrums but the personal trainer walked in and my jaw got displaced because it really touched the good Mother Earth. He is the definition of the word S-E-X-Y. Height above 6, Brad Pitt from Troy body, Chocolate colour, an eyebrow piercing and a dazzling white smile to go with the whole poem of a man. I somehow managed my evident mouth watching since my father was present, who now was interviewing him. The voice!!! What a voice!! A husky sexy voice he had that can melt your soul and my jaw started its nonsense again. 

My Dad left and I was left with my sexy hulk. I pushed myself beyond my limits and did not show a tinge of fatigue even after spending 15 min on a machine which I say should be banned for the face of Earth. I did everything he asked me to do and I did not even drink water, just to show my strength. I even touched my toe without bending my knees just to hear a ‘VERY GOOD’ and unlike my usual cursing spree I did not even say a delicate FUCK. The only thing that was in my mind was ‘He is Hot!’

   

But to my greatest sorrow the Man did not even look at me with a slightest look of admiration. He did not even appreciate my dedication. I felt like a dog that had just run miles to get back his Masters Golf ball and on return was gifted with absolute NOTHING. I was devastated and I was shattered. The man was more interested in a fat man who was running beside me in the treadmill. He even left me unattended as I ran for 15 min straight and he kept himself engaged by chitchatting with the Fat pig. I felt neglected and damaged beyond redemption.

My session got over and I went to the manager lady to get my diet plan and she asked if I was happy with my Trainer. I said that I was very much impressed by his Greek God sexy body dedication towards his work and that’s when the lady said something which made me feel like a 1000kg boulder had just fallen on my chest. 

She said “He is our best trainer and like you said totally dedicated to his work. You are the first female he has been assigned to because he goes only for Men. He is Gay you see’’ 

  

FACEPALM would be an understatement. Now because I paid the whole package money I am stuck with this fairy for more than a month. Why God why!! He was even a Malayalee!

  

P.S-Today was Day 2 and my morning session is over. I cannot feel my legs and I prefer crawling rather than walking. I can’t even sit properly on the western toilet to pee. The worst part is, the Satan with his smile which shows his teeth like snakes bare fangs awaits me for my evening session. I will soon be DEAD. 

P.P.S- I had the honour to write a guest post on TheGirlAtFirstAvenue’s blog. Her blog is sheer awesomeness and if don’t already follow her blog, you should definitely read it out! U can read my guest post HERE.

   

P.P.P.S- For the lovers of Electronic Dance Music, I got something sexy for you. Check this remix out.  LISTEN HERE.

LOW-BUTT BAGGY JEANS

You ! Yes you! Bending over the pool table trying to get the perfect shot. Your jeans are sliding down your butt cheeks. Oh! You meant them to be that way? Oh that is fashion and it is called Baggy Jeans? 

Well Sir, I never knew that by fashion you meant looking like an anorexic lad with no iliac crest or for that matter no hip bone. My love, you and your other low waist baggy jeans clad dorks are a topic of discussion between me and my girls. Now before you get excited about a couple of chicks looking at you and commenting while you bend down trying to get a perfect snooker shot, let me tell you that we have a bet going on here. We are betting on how low will you let your bag called jeans fall, before you get your senses back and pull them up? Sometimes I really think, they might touch your knees. You never fail to surprise me with our outrageous fashion sense!

   

Tell me is that floral underwear you are wearing inside, good enough to be flaunted? If you think they are awesome, why not be the next superman, eh love? Belts are cheap actually and you get them even in the shop you bought those amazing low-butt jeans from. If you cannot afford it, please ask me because I am a generous young lady who can definitely spare some bucks for your pathetic little condition.

Baby, did you poop in your pants? Or are you constantly horny and fighting an erection that you want that much space down there? Honey butt crack is not sexy I tell you and no matter how sexy you are, butt crack show will always be treated with pure disgust.

   

The other day my lovely mother asked me if you are suffering from severe Diarrhoea. She thinks you are wearing diapers underneath. Those Pampers and Huggies kind of diapers. I don’t wish to clear off her doubt by asking you to do a strip show because one day that poor piece of denim will naturally slip off and prove her wrong.

Mister, you are leaving a hypnotising effect on my little brother. He has started to show off his cartoon underwear by wearing his school pants real low. He even got scolded by his English teacher for that. 

   

Ok! You want to show off your underwear, atleast wear a branded one. What? You already are? Baby, I don’t think POMA, JOCKAY, REEBUK qualify as brands. Whom are you kidding? You say they are comfortable? Then why do you pull them up in a gap of minutes? And if you are looking for space and comfort, try the Lungi way of comfort. You will even get some air down there.

Please baby, pull the pants up before they catch you and put you behind the bars. They might mistake you to be a flasher. The wind has been kind to you till now but who knows, one strong breeze and your manhood might be out for the public to judge. 

   

I don’t mind baggy jeans as long as they don’t show me your butt crack. This post isn’t for you if your jeans are low waist and not low butt. This post is not directed towards you if you keep your underwear hidden and not trying desperately to flaunt your nonexistent flat butt.

  

Also if you can’t afford a belt, get a rope!

 

P.S- Nothing to write as P.S or P.P.S or P.P.P.S this time :P

Image Courtesy- kilichan.deviantart.com