How to Win an argument with a Woman??

I am giving away the most life changing solution here. As much as I am scared of being banished from the kingdom of muliebrity, I will still take my chances here. Men all around the globe have been researching on this topic and you can find numerous videos on youtube by the sterner sex trying to crack this question. Below you will find a step wise guide to ultimately defeating your female in a battle of arguments.

STEP 1- Find the Hidden meaning. When your woman starts to yell about the garbage can not being emptied by you the previous night, it is definitely not the only thing she is yelling about. Take a second to scan your one week history, because your woman is yelling at you for more reasons than just a garbage can. It could be something as random as the 2 second look you gave to another woman while dining with your girl.

STEP 2- Don’t let her stray from the point. Now that you know that there is a hidden agenda behind her GARBAGE CAN story, try to restrict her arguments to just the complaint that the words which came out of her mouth reflected. A woman is like WIKIPEDIA, she has the details of every little thing you did or omitted to do while you were supposed to do it, in her brain. Whenever she sees herself loosing in front of your logical explanations, she brings out that historical event and bombards you with it which eventually renders you incapable. 

STEP 3- Never curse. You do not want to add new events in her History book, thus causing future calamities. Craft your words sharp but keep a check on them. A woman will bring out her ultimate weapon that is ‘TEARS’ if she has no reasonable argument to counter your explanation and if you curse her, she will finally have a reason to bring out those crocodile tears, even if it did not hurt her a tinge.

STEP 4- Use her History Book method i.e Cite Precedents. Now a woman loves to shower your history on you which has the effect of shooting a poisoned arrow right on your bum, but she never expects you to do the same. Think of a situation where she did something which really hurt you and use it as your secret weapon. 

STEP 5- Be senseless. If you are logical and if you make sense, you are bound to fail. If the History you chose in Step 4 did not do the magic, jump to random arguments which may have nothing to do with the actual topic. Bring out stuffs like hairbrush left on the table with strands of hair still on it, how she ignores you because of her daily soaps etc. Make her speechless and by that I mean to keep talking until she gives up arguing.

STEP 6- Make her feel guilty. Now that you have become senseless and are almost on the verge of success, remind her of all the good things you have done for her. Women are the most guilty conscious species alive on the face of the Universe. Make a sad face, look straight in her eyes, force a bit of extra moisture in your eyes and with a low voice tell her how much you love her and what all you do just to make her happy. Make things up, you being MEN should be awesome at it.

STEP 7- Topic Forgotten. By now, your woman would be hugging you or would have cooled down atleast, with a guilty smile on her face. Hug her tight, say a sorry for the non disposal of the Garbage , and also make a secret note in your head as to always stare at random girls when your girl in not anywhere in the vicinity. 

STEP 8- Mission accomplished. Bask in the victory spotlight my manipulative friend!

LOW-BUTT BAGGY JEANS

You ! Yes you! Bending over the pool table trying to get the perfect shot. Your jeans are sliding down your butt cheeks. Oh! You meant them to be that way? Oh that is fashion and it is called Baggy Jeans? 

Well Sir, I never knew that by fashion you meant looking like an anorexic lad with no iliac crest or for that matter no hip bone. My love, you and your other low waist baggy jeans clad dorks are a topic of discussion between me and my girls. Now before you get excited about a couple of chicks looking at you and commenting while you bend down trying to get a perfect snooker shot, let me tell you that we have a bet going on here. We are betting on how low will you let your bag called jeans fall, before you get your senses back and pull them up? Sometimes I really think, they might touch your knees. You never fail to surprise me with our outrageous fashion sense!

   

Tell me is that floral underwear you are wearing inside, good enough to be flaunted? If you think they are awesome, why not be the next superman, eh love? Belts are cheap actually and you get them even in the shop you bought those amazing low-butt jeans from. If you cannot afford it, please ask me because I am a generous young lady who can definitely spare some bucks for your pathetic little condition.

Baby, did you poop in your pants? Or are you constantly horny and fighting an erection that you want that much space down there? Honey butt crack is not sexy I tell you and no matter how sexy you are, butt crack show will always be treated with pure disgust.

   

The other day my lovely mother asked me if you are suffering from severe Diarrhoea. She thinks you are wearing diapers underneath. Those Pampers and Huggies kind of diapers. I don’t wish to clear off her doubt by asking you to do a strip show because one day that poor piece of denim will naturally slip off and prove her wrong.

Mister, you are leaving a hypnotising effect on my little brother. He has started to show off his cartoon underwear by wearing his school pants real low. He even got scolded by his English teacher for that. 

   

Ok! You want to show off your underwear, atleast wear a branded one. What? You already are? Baby, I don’t think POMA, JOCKAY, REEBUK qualify as brands. Whom are you kidding? You say they are comfortable? Then why do you pull them up in a gap of minutes? And if you are looking for space and comfort, try the Lungi way of comfort. You will even get some air down there.

Please baby, pull the pants up before they catch you and put you behind the bars. They might mistake you to be a flasher. The wind has been kind to you till now but who knows, one strong breeze and your manhood might be out for the public to judge. 

   

I don’t mind baggy jeans as long as they don’t show me your butt crack. This post isn’t for you if your jeans are low waist and not low butt. This post is not directed towards you if you keep your underwear hidden and not trying desperately to flaunt your nonexistent flat butt.

  

Also if you can’t afford a belt, get a rope!

 

P.S- Nothing to write as P.S or P.P.S or P.P.P.S this time :P

Image Courtesy- kilichan.deviantart.com

Dear MENkind

Dear MenKind,

I have been wanting to write this for a very long time but never got the needed kick to type this down. I actually even forgot about this until THE MADRASAN popped in with her controversial letter to a Delhi boy who now wants to kill Mark Zukerberg for the existence of Facebook and its status updates.

Since I am a woman and that too a college bunking one, I have a number of issues with you which I would like to bring to your knowledge. I know you will just laugh it off and if you do, I wouldn’t blame you because a majority of you are pathetically perverted like that. I would like to ask the beer loving soul of yours certain questions which have kept me perturbed for long.

The Genuine Queries-

# There is something called Getting Bored. Just like the others of my gender and species, I too have Boobs and an ass to follow. I know you spend a lot of time browsing through images of topless and butt showing females online, but what I don’t understand is how you get amused by the so called melons rather than the face of even a properly draped woman?

# Some of your gang members smirk at me every time I walk down the streets sipping on my favourite ice candy. How can you possibly stoop low enough to think so perverted? A Lollipop wouldn’t be named that way if I were to chew it like a toffee. Things have got so out of hand that I think twice before ordering a Cornetto when your fellow beings are around. You can’t possibly expect me to bite the ice-cream off. Can you?

# You crave for a woman who is modern in a slutty way, outgoing enough to be mistaken as a whore. You forsake the innocent soul for the provocative body cover. But when it comes to settling down, you prefer the homely, traditional woman who is skilled in the culinary arts, ignoring the true bitch residing in her. Why so?

# You expect us to be understanding and listen to your irrational babbles when you return home drunk and callous. We too expect you to tolerate us when we are fighting our PMS every month. Quotes like “Never believe anything which bleeds for five days and still doesn’t die”  are just not cool for us to laugh at. We are made that way. What is so gross about that?

# Loosing your virginity is like a milestone achievement for you and the more women you have slept with, the more ‘THE MAN’ you are among your groupies. It’s definitely not the same for us here, atleast in India. But how can you possibly expect your wife to be a virgin when you aren’t? Many husbands might be cursing you for taking their wives virginity. Why don’t you look at it that way? 

# Men are supposed to be hairy (not in a Gorilla way) and men are supposed to manly. Why do I catch half your species squealing as they get their eyebrows done and chest waxed? I shudder when I realize that I am the only woman in the unisex salon? I have nothing against you getting a manicure or a pedicure since they show your love for hygiene, but ripping out your chest hair?  Why my boy why?

I can go on and on and this letter can get as intolerable as Aishwarya Rai’s giggle. If you do not think that this letter applies to you, I request you to ignore the content and pass it on to the guy sitting next to you. Maybe he might relate to this. 

Sincerely,

The Girl you whistled at yesterday evening.

Image Courtesy-rodrigorivera-inspirare.blogspot.com

OH WOMAN! YOU KILL...

 "Give that weed some rest and if you love me enough stop using it" she said as her hands ran through my hair and her hazel eyes screamed concern. My lips curved into a phony smile as I left the blunt on the mahogany table alone and followed her to our bed. How I love the way she holds me within her condescending yet calming embrace. Everytime I catch myself watching her sleep I give my vanity a direct stab in the heart. I am stuck in her love and she continues to be my favourite drug.

I straighten my tie and watch her as she dutifully wraps up a sandwich for my lunch and winks at me as she catches me gawking. A tender kiss, a naughty whisper in my ear about the menu for the night and she pushes me off to work.

Giving her a call during my coffee breaks has become a custom and hastily cutting it after talking to me for less than a minute has become hers. Shopping she says or Hanging out with her Girls she says. Sometimes I miss her enough to drive back home during my breaks just to surprise her and tell her she means the world. Now I regret doing that. Ignorance is bliss I say.

I want to see the pain in her eyes as she dies. I have wanted to kill her since that day. I grab my coat and run towards my car. A gun rests under my seat as I drive home, hands trembling and jaw clutched tight compressing the feeling of pure disgust. I see my home and I can already visualize what lies within. I walk towards the side of our bedroom and raise the curtains only enough to see the silhouette of two people tied together in ecstasy, moans managing to leave the walls.

Certain emotions cannot be defined. They are too overpowering. I move away from the wall, walk back to my car and smile at the gun in my hand. I had bought it 3 months back just to give her story an end and it’s still not used.

As night visits, she crawls inside the blanket with me and tells me about the day. How busy the house cleaning kept her. How beautiful she looks as she lies. “Not tonight” she says and prepares to sleep, as I walk towards the balcony for a roll of weed.

“If you love me stop using it. It will kill you one day” she shouts as I close the bedroom door.

I am addicted. Yes I am and you woman, you are killing me.

Honey I need your Money

 Lately I have been reading some posts where men are tearing their hair out because they see Babelicious chicks cooing around total dorks and snobbish faced men. There can be two reasons for this unnatural yet widely found phenomenon.

First Bomb- Love is Blind, Dumb, Deaf or maybe totally Mutilated.

Second Bomb- Honey the bozo is stuck with a Golddigger.

For those who are new to the word, our Urban Dictionary defines the Golddigger as ‘Any woman whose primary interest in a relationship is material benefits. A woman who cares more about a man's bank account than she does about the man.’

Golddiggers have been evading our lands just like the mosquitoes, the only difference being that instead of blood they dry suck out money. The best thing about these diggas is that they are like swans, beautiful and mesmerising or in crude words bootyliciously hot! The naive beast faced boyfriend doesn’t even know that her honey is money instead of him and that her priority is financial security over love, romance, looks and even compatibility.

The poor puppet of a boyfriend is just used to satisfy her never quenching material thirst and ones his financial limelight is gone, she kicks his ass with her high heels and leaves in search for her next ATM machine-man. Interestingly with the advent of the better brained human being, the men folk having these diggas as their girlfriend do know for the fact that they are being used for their money. But they play on since they know that this is the best they are going to get and this is the only way they can flaunt in front of their better looking buddies. They give her what she wants and in return get what they need. In short ‘A golddigger is a hooker just smarter’.

When it comes to physical intimacy, these diggas usually like a token of money oozing gifts to be given for rendering further services. Expensive dates, drilling the pocket gifts keeps them satisfied and glued to the ignorant male and ones its gone, so is she. Mostly these women are financially shattered souls or girls without enough pocket money or just the ones who like the money pouring in.

So next time you go to a bar and a chick approaches you and instead of your name asks you if you could buy her a drink, then honey you have just witnessed a professional and a total game player Golddigger.

Photo Courtesy- justinmchood,com

MAKE HIM DUMP YOU

It’s common these days to get into a relationship and then spend all your time regretting it. Dumping someone especially a guy isn’t always easy. Many guys resort to suicide threat, abuses or even hardcore methods. Some might even confront your family or atleast threaten to. So here I illustrate five direct and easy methods whereby the boyfriend will happily run away and never again will you have to heave a sigh and think “Was I drunk when I got into this relationship?”

How to make your stupid but prospective murderer boyfriend dump you-

1)      Make the Over-Possessive bitch come out- Everyone appreciates a bit of possessiveness. But over- possessiveness? Act over possessive. Tell him you hate him meeting his friends. Call him at odd times like when he is in the movies with his friends or the club having a drink with his gang and tell him how you hate it. Force him to be with you rather than his friends. Be possessive and jealous about him linked to everything you can possibly think of. Stop him from tweeting, facebooking. If he doesn’t, keep nagging him till he is tired of you. If he does stop it, it’s a sign that he will soon miss his friends and his social networks and blame you and finally dump you.

2)      Show no interest in his talks- Well men love women who would sit, listen to all his bragging and his life nonsense and nod her head like a dog. Start bringing random topics in between his serious conversations. Like when he is telling you how his day was, start telling him why you love your blue nail polish. Almost 80% of divorces happen because there is no proper communication between the spouses. So it effectively works here too. Better still stop asking him anything.

3)      Make fun of his dreams and Capability- Nothing like a spit on ones self pride and self esteem. If he aspires to buy himself a ROLLS ROYCE PHANTOM by the time he is 35, laugh loudly and tell him how naive he is and how you can bet your life he wont be able to. Tell him how his other friends are so much better than him and that his vision of life is medieval.  Blame him for his stagnant position on the ladder to success.

4)      Compare him to your ex- Continuously poke him with statements about your ex. How you wish he and you had worked out and how happy you would have been. Tell him how your ex’s stubble felt on your cheeks and how much better that felt when compared to his. Saying all this in an innocent manner really confuses the man who dumps you eventually because again his possessiveness and self esteem could not stand your bullshit.

5)      Flirt with his friends- This is one of my favorites. When he takes you out to meet his friends or whenever there is any situation where you have the presence of his closest friends, show the flirt in you. Flutter some eyelashes evidently to his friend. For this purpose I suggest you choose the guy your boyfriend admits is the most attractive. Coyly smile, play with your hair, pout your lips, laugh at all the lame jokes his friend makes. Make your flirting evident. Ones the boygang has caught hold of your boyfriend alone, there will be a huge discussion and comments on how flirty you are. No guy wants a woman who flirts with anyone and especially his friends. Continue this flirting even after being warned. Act innocent. He will dump you soon!!

P.S-This is just an individual opinion. Don’t bite me if you got insulted or offended (so immature that will be. Pfft!). Also the above mentioned ways will not only drive your boyfriend away but also will take away the chances of friendship or WE-WILL-BE-IN TOUCH relation. Don’t blame me later. I warned you.

P.S.S- This opinion should not be inferred in such a way as to be thought that I have done this with someone or I intend to do it. I certainly don’t!! 

Photo Courtesy- Google Images. Too lazy to go find the real source! No infringement intended. Also the picture shows a girl dumping a guy. Well that's all i could get!

*Laughs like a Hyena*