Of Childhood Crushes and Fantasies.....

Today morning as I was getting out for work, my glance slid towards my little 7 yr old cousin’s bedroom. There she stood with a huge poster of some Disney Prince and was standing on her toes in an attempt to stick it to her wall. This was the first ‘GUY’ poster in her room and I know that this wouldn't be her last. This was just a bud.

I was not an innocent child. To be quite frank, since I was studying in a convent school, boys were like Unicorns for me. Mystical, magical and unattainable, though unlike Unicorns they did exist somewhere outside the school compound. Unlike the other girls who were busy salivating about Barbie’s gay boyfriend Mr.Ken, I was busy fantasizing about Mowgli. Mowgli was by God my first crush and I wanted to give him babies. 4 babies to be precise. One who could ride on the black panther ‘Bageera’, one to  play with the cuddly bear ‘Baloo’, one to slide down the slimy back of the snake ‘Kaa’ and one who could fight the evil tiger ‘Shere Khan’. I had planned it all while listening to the title song ‘Jungle Jungle Pata Chala Hai Chaddi Pehenke Phool Khila Hai’. Me and my Chaddyman for life!

But then I grew up to be 11 yrs old and Mowgli was not as pleasing to my senses as he used to be. It was around that time that our neighbor Mrs.Kukreja started giving the top floor of her house on rent to bachelors. There was this boy whom I called ‘Mintu bhaiyya’ who was a star among me and my other friends. But I was committing incest in my mind and bhaiyya was the last thing I wanted him to be. I wanted him to give me a ride on his Bajaj Vespa and share a Mango Dolly with me. The way he played Tea set with my friends made me jealous. But what could a girl with a boy cut and a deranged self confidence do?

One day I got up and tied my mom’s dupatta on my head and started pretending that it was real hair. Long-ass-length-hair. With lipstick on my dot like lips and another dupatta rolled as a saree/Egyptian zombie atire around my tiny body with t-shirt as a blouse, I walked to the Verandah hoping to parade myself like a peacock before my Mintu. But it was my father who broke my heart between his uncontrollable laughs when he said “Mintu left for his post graduation at Dehradun”. He left behind a packet of Britannia Little Hearts for me. My second crush broke my heart.

Then Hrithik Roshan came into my life. I would close myself in my parents room since I never had a room of my own, with the walkman playing the cassette of ‘ Kaho Na Pyaar Hai’. As I lay on my bed and the song started playing, I was suddenly Amisha Patel wearing her thigh length white skirt, gyrating uncontrollably with my Hrithik. I was the one for whom he made sea-shell necklaces and I was the one looking deep into his eyes beside the bonfire in a secluded island somewhere near Thailand.

 Then he went ahead and got married to a certain pale skinned Suzanne.

Hrithik Roshan with his 8 pack abs, carved collar bone, bulging biceps and swallowing arms, did not deserve me, said my Dad as tears rolled down my 13 yr old cheek while licking on the Vanilla Ice-cream he bought to calm down the waves tormenting his daughter’s little heart. Dads are the best.

I don’t do crushes anymore. I don’t remember anyone else whom I had a crush on besides these. At least nothing that was this serious and engulfing. So, what do I do now? Well I got graduated from crushing on people to falling in love. Much worse!

But the good thing about Love is, it doesn't come easy. I am a tough nut to crack.  But it did happen once and God, I would always thank you for that!

So dear Mowgli, I am glad nothing happened between us. My little cousin told me while reading the Jungle book that you are happy with a certain blue skirted girl named ‘Shanti’. I hope she pops out 4 kids.

Dear Mintu Bhaiyya. Wherever you are, Dehradun or Mussoorie, I hope you found someone who foresees your premature bald patch just like I did. But maybe you are already bald by now.

Dear Hrithik Roshan. You still look good in your latest ‘Baniyan’ advertisement. Call me. 

P.S- The above photo is a classic case of bad photoshop. Thank you very much.

P.P.S- Tell me about your first ever crush. 

DATE A MAN WHO LOVES OLD MONK

Date a man who loves Old Monk. Date a man whose loyalty lies to the elixir that patiently blended itself for 7 years. You will find him quietly sitting by the bar of the pub you ritually visit, enjoying the company of a bottle of Buddha Sadhu, untouched by the madness around.  He is the guy sitting beside you in the flight; trying his best to cover up his discomfort on the lack of Old Monk but the availability of useless Beer and Red Wine on board. Strike a conversation with him and ease his pain. Ask him about his favourite Rum and see the twinkle in his eyes. 

  

Date a man who loves Old Monk because he is dependable. While the women around you fuss about their men and their bad hangovers, you would be the one waking up to a man ready with a cuppa coffee for you. The Old Monk knows that a hangover shouldn’t be an effect of last night’s divine alcoholic escapade.

   

It is amazing to date a man who loves Old Monk. Like his favourite rum he is an experience that you would like to have every chance you get without even a hint of change made to it. He is manly and he attracts recognition and while his comrades go on advertising their worth to gain your attention, he sits back because knows that you will come to him. He is smooth in his approach and he is just like his favourite Old Monk.

It is easy to date a man who loves Old Monk. Buy him an Old Monk XXX Rum for his birthday and hear him pledge his allegiance towards you for life. Get him Old Monk Gold Reserve Rum on Valentine’s Day and watch him kneel down to propose you. 
   

You must date a man who loves Old Monk. He is magnetic just like his preferred rum and no matter which bloke tries to sweep you away from him; you will be stuck to him like glue. He knows you are his to keep. He is the same yet full of surprises and sex with him would be a rush you cannot have enough of. Just like his rum he doesn’t allow you to forget him for his touch lingers upon you and fades into a beautiful memory which cannot be ever erased. 

   

Actually marry the guy who loves Old Monk. He is a people’s guy and doesn’t choose friends after checking their pockets. He is there to console his friend from College who failed in his 5^th attempt at the civil services exams and he is there even to congratulate his affluent colleague on his latest promotion. Just like his beloved rum, he is not judgemental and is a good listener. 

   

Grow old with a guy who loves Old Monk. He will be the same man you fell in love with and time would never change him for the worst. Being similar to his pet rum, he too would never change with time. But do not see this as a negative trait, for you know you love him just the way he is.

   

Date a man who loves Old Monk, because you deserve it. You deserve a man who can give you the fruitiest life imaginable. If you can only give him the monotony of Carlsberg, Red Label or a Signature, then you are better off alone. But if you want a truly memorable life with a man worthy of it all, date a man who loves Old Monk.

 

It’s high time you found a man who loves Old Monk and made him yours, because like they say, a man is what a man drinks. 

Or better yet, date a man who loves Chivas. 

P.S-How are you guys? I just got back after an amazing Europe trip and my spine got its must deserved rest after all the bumpy rides it took on our adventurous Indian roads. I loved everything about Europe, except the whole 'WIPING BUSINESS'. If you know what I mean :P

P.P.S- No, I was not dead! and yes, I missed you all too :D

                                                                                                       

The HEAD-HEART Conflict.......

It was past midnight when he caught the flicker on his mobile screen. A call from a number which was glimmering boldly across the screen. A number he once had deleted with a crushed heart and salty eyes. A number which he had tried hard to forget just like the person to whom it belonged, but all in vain. A faint smile escaped his lips as he gently ran his finger across the screen as if touching the woman who had burnt his heart. It’s funny when you cannot hate someone who left you shattered, he thought. He picked up the call after a few rings and decided not to make the first move. Never again, he promised.

She waited for his voice to calm her racing heart but was invited by a deadly silence. Her heart was the reason behind the call while her mind had been voting against it. But the heart was a little child who fell into temptations while the mind like a mature man could do nothing but watch. She decided to make the first move. For the first and the last time, she promised. Her voice broke as she tried to speak. She cleared her throat and softly said ‘Hello’.

He let her voice pinch his heart, as thousands of memories started reeling right in front of his eyes. He decided to remain silent and let her voice tingle his senses. She was in his town for a few days and wanted to meet him before she left. She continued speaking, while he pictured her face and the myriad expressions that touched her features as she spoke. He heard her asking him if 4’o clock in the evening was perfect for the meet. His mind like a prudent soul told him to bluntly reject her plan to suddenly meet him but before he could give it a second thought, his heart did the ominous work and said ‘Perfect’.

She was used to waiting for him and she remembered how his crooked smile would melt away her anger. He would blow her a kiss and wink foxily while taking a seat facing her. She had always wondered why he never sat beside her like the other couples did. The same café, the same time, every Saturday in the 4 years of their relationship. A ritual they followed until she decided to crush his heart and live according to the rules framed by the society and for the honour of her family. 3 years later, she was now sitting at the same café, at the same time waiting for the man she had tried to unlove. It pricked her that she couldn’t. 

He made his way and took a seat facing her, a place he preferred. This way none of her expressions would escape his gaze and her smile would forever be his to cherish. She was still the same for him, deep in his heart, but he realized that even with the sadness in her eyes she still was the most beautiful thing he had ever known. Silence prevailed and he decided to break the ice by asking her to place the order. He liked her to make the decisions and crushing his heart was one of them. He heard her telling the waiter “One classic burger without cheese or mayonnaise for me and Tuna sandwich with french fries and tomatoes on the side for him." He looked at her and smiled knowingly, for she was still the same woman he fell in love with. The fact that after 3 years, she still remembered the little things he liked, interested him but his heart continued pricking him moment after moment. 

She looked at him and couldn’t suppress the warm smile that glowed across her face just at the sight of him. She realised that happiness was stored in moments like these. A smile from him and her heart throbbed with the boundless love she had for this very man. A feeling she had tried to corner and subsequently erase but couldn’t. She let him speak and heard him telling her how his work gave him peace through the tough times. She couldn’t help but ask him to define the word ‘Peace’ and got lost in the philosophies he tried to put across to her. She smiled as she remembered the late night calls where he would talk to her about subjects so random and philosophical that she would unknowingly fall asleep. He would always apologize to her the next day and promise never to bore her again. She jolted back to reality as he said “So this is what Peace means to me. My work brings peace to me”

It was dusk when they decided to part ways, again. She left for her hotel and he started walking back home. He wondered why she had wanted to meet him. It never occurred to him to ask her, for he was busy getting to know the things that happened in the three years they were not in touch. He decided to send her a message but then opted against it. His heart was cherishing the memories of this final meeting and he just didn’t want to ruin it. 

Lying on her hotel bed, she knew exactly why she had wanted to meet him. This time her mind and her heart were in symphony for they knew the purity of the emotion and the strength of the bond he and she shared. They knew time was just an excuse and that something with such depth could never be erased. She now felt calm as life finally started to solve the puzzle and she slept with a blank mind after a very long time.

A day after the meet and he still couldn’t erase her face from his mind. He had decided not to work today and spend the day alone at home just reliving the moment. Insanity that what this is, his mind reminded. A knock on the door and he opened it blaming the world for coming between him and his solitude. A familiar figure with the familiar smile he had worshipped for years stood in front of him.

She pushed him away and hurriedly closed the door. A tear made its way down her cheek as she hugged him. His mind asked a zillion questions while his heart knew all the answers. One look in her eyes and he knew she was here to stay. As they lay on bed, she basked in the smell of the only man she had ever loved. His arms around her, his stubs rubbing her cheeks and his warmth soothing her soul. She caught him sleeping while his arms were still wrapped around her as if he was afraid of losing her again. She nudged him till he finally woke up with a childish grunt and looked her straight in her eyes only to glow up realizing he still had her. 

She finally decided to ask him. “So define the word ‘Peace’ for me again” she said. He smiled and pulled her closer, kissed her gently on the lips and then closed his eyes to sleep with her still in his arms. He now knew what ‘Peace’ was. “I am now at peace”, he softly said and went back to sleep.

P.S- Not the usual dose of humour right and bloody long right? Well I am in an Emo mood right now, hence this post. Fictitious writeup only.

P.P.S- It’s funny how priorities change with time. The people remain the same but the feelings disappear. Strange!

P.P.P.S- Been busy with life and tired of making every post my come back post. I don’t know when I will post next. Soon or never. Battling a screwed up mind.

DECIPHER ME

There is a void inside me. An empty space which once was filled with emotions of pure love for the one who completed my puzzle called life. It had never been easy for us ever, but we fought through all the barriers to just be able to live with and love each other. A quiet marriage in the courtroom wasn’t my dream wedding but at that moment, he seemed to be my destination and me, his redemption. I was deemed dead by my father who though did not show it, was heartbroken by the fact that I, his only daughter chose to go against him for another man. I do not regret even one bit of it and if I had to do it all again, I certainly would.

But what went wrong then? I wish I had an answer. I wish I could be honest to the man for whom I left almost everything and everyone for. Yesterday was our second anniversary and I could still see in his eyes the boundless love he had for me. No compromises what so ever. But why do I feel nothing but sheer pity and sympathy for him? Where has the soul of our relationship gone? Why do I kiss him before he goes to work, out of duty which once used to be out of love? Why don’t I crave for him anymore? 

I look at myself in the mirror and all I see is a woman withdrawn from what she had finally achieved after years of craving for it. I was with the man who loved me to the extent of being mistaken as devotion. But somewhere along the way, I had lost the utmost love that I carried for him. Someday in the past 2 years, somewhere and somehow the love was gone as if someone had just ripped it off my chest. All I now felt was empathy and the guilt of loosing something which he deserved, my love. 

Every night, as he hugs me to sleep, I make a solemn promise of being able to wake up to a new morning with love for him brimming in my heart. But all I wake up to is an empty heart and a meaningless existence. 

Today, something got over me and I opened up to him. I told him of what had been eating me up from within. He questioned my loyalty, cursed me, cried before me like an infant, tried to raise his hand on me and even tried to make me love him again. He stopped trying when he saw nothing for him in my eyes. He had lost me.

I am right now in a hotel room. My hastily packed luggage sits aimlessly on the side. I am on the bed with my nails digging into the white cotton bed sheet and my eyes fixed at the fan which continues to do its monotonous duty of rotating. My life is not meant to work that way. I have nowhere to go now, but I am at peace. My family won’t take me back nor will I go back to the man who loves me like no one ever can. But I truly am at peace. I have no direction or destination nor do I know what tomorrow would be like. I might regret it all tomorrow but today, I am at peace.

P.S- I wonder how many people continue to be with someone even after the divinity of the relationship is gone. I wonder what makes them continue­ it even after the essence of it is dead. Maybe it is the fear of being judged or the fear of letting go of a stable existence. But more than anything, I think it is the fear of change.

P.P.S- I realize that I haven’t replied to the generous comments I received in my last post. Real Sorry! My University final semester just began and I am kept busy because of it. Thankyou so much for not hating me already!

LOVE AND LIES...

“I give you till 12 midnight, to tell me the truth. You can’t run away from it. I know people who know your ex, and I very well know what all you have done. I just want you to speak it all out. Then I will leave you without ruining your life.” 

It was eleven already and she shivered as those words touched her senses in the most jittering manner. She sat on the balcony ignoring the wind as it managed to give her goosebumps. She had never thought that a protective lie could now jeopardise her relationship. She had always meant for him to know about her past, the dirty people she dealt with and her resulting dirty past. But she saw in his eyes, the look of devotion, and the look of pure love, which was preciously new to her. Who would have thought that her decision to hide the truth just to remain divine in his eyes would have led to a day this brutal. 

A drop of tear fell on her thighs and she was reeled back to reality. If only the tears she was shedding could lessen the pain she was going through. How was she supposed to tell him, the stark truth? How could she ever look deep into his eyes and find his love for her glowing within? She had lost him long back. 

The silence of the night and the cacophony of her thoughts got a pause as the phone rang. If it was yesterday, she would have not let it ring beyond ten seconds and today, it was the cause of the aggressively beating heartbeat pounding against her ribs. She finally picked up and was welcomed by pure silence.

Suddenly he spoke. The voice she had grown to love, the tone which was always so soothing, was now breaking her vanity down to nullity. He demanded the truth or else he would destroy her. He would leave her begging for mercy and he would do everything he can to make her pay for making him such a fool in her love for 3 yrs. She was left with nothing but to dig out what she had unsuccessfully tried to conceal.

“Whatever you heard about me was right. My ex forced me to join him and his two friends who also were couples, for a weekend resort stay. He and his friends where carrying pornographic CD’s and this was kept away from my knowledge. All I remember is, police raiding the hotel and a woman constable dragging me till the police Jeep. I could get bail only the next day. A friend helped. My parents do not know about this. I tried to hide this.”

She cried as she spoke and she heard no words from the other side of the line. How could anyone love a girl with her background? Who would believe in her story anyway? She spoke again, this time a little stronger’

“Now you can leave me, for I know that you can never see me the way you did before which was precisely the reason why I hid it from you. I could not barter what I felt for you and so gravely craved. So now you can …….”

Before she could say further, he said “ Nobody told me anything about you. It was just a planned game by me. I know you were hiding something really bad from me. I had the right to know. Now what do you what me to do with you?”

Sometimes silence is the only reply that can be given but she managed a "You can leave me"

His voice answered it all as he said "The past does not matter, for I know that you are loyal to me. But shall we now work on the being truthful part of a relationship?"

That was the point when guilt struck her and that was the time that she truly felt the depth of his love. Precisely the moment she lost herself to him completely.  

P.S- A Diwali celebrated after 5 yrs, far away from home but with friends. The dishes you are about to see in the following clicks were cooked by them and all I did was HOG! 

P.P.S- Post based on true experience and incident. Not so bad though!

Aatte ka Halwa and Suji ka Halwa for Bhagwanjee :)

Aaloo Dum Amritsari and Garlic Rice for HUMLOG

Khana Ready hai Medamjee

Its a Digital world babey!

:D

LUST OR LOVE ?

She let her fingers explore his body as she moves herself close enough to feel his heat. She brings her fingers down to his navel and lets it linger there for some moments. She knows it makes him want her more and she was proven right, when he grabs her by the waist and pulls her closer. As the night transforms into dawn, their bodies transform into one and passion encircles them in a tantalising manner. 

It has been 4 years since the day he openly told her about his Love. She was confused as to what she actually felt, but gave in because he was someone she could not be without. He was the kind of guy every girl dreams about and this made her insecure. She was happy that in their relationship, it was he who loved more and though she was possessive about him, she was still confused. She loved him and one harsh word from his side would make her feel unworthy and a total garbage. He had the power to transform her from a jovial person to a dependent and insecure woman, which she was now. She would taunt him every time she caught him exchange a word or two with another woman. He would wrap her with expensive gifts, surprise getaway holidays and what not. He treated her like a queen, bowing to all her whims and fancies. Their relationship was just the type you see around you, atleast the outer cover of it.

He was great in bed and he had the capability of making a dominant personality like hers, submissive and craving for more. They were just the perfect couple. Expecting everything, giving whatever was possible.

Night crawls in and he won’t be there tonight to quench her thirst. She opens her laptop and within seconds she has logged into Yahoo messenger. She had a few people on her list and they all were anonymous. One of them pings her to chat.

Anonguy- I missed your hotness. Where did you disappear?

Lustychick- Was just busy.

Anonguy- So what is the colour of the day?

Lustychick- Red thong and a black bra with lace work.

Anonguy- Woman! You really do not have a guy?

Lustychick-  Noone good enuff to satisfy me. So tell me what is your colour of the day?

What kind of relationship is she and her loyal guy into? Love, Lust or something else?

P.S- This post can be taken as the sequel of the post OH WOMAN!YOU KILL. I will back to my usual humour from my next post!! I Promise!!

P.P.S- I wonder how anyone can trust me or love me after reading the posts i write. But someone really does.

P.P.P.S- I was listening to the song LIPS OF AN ANGEL by Hinder and this came in my mind, so wrote. Also the script of the movie DIARY OF A SEX ADDICT was running in my head. This is purely fiction and nothing more.

Image Courtesy- lust-vs-love.deviantart.com

                                   

OH WOMAN! YOU KILL...

 "Give that weed some rest and if you love me enough stop using it" she said as her hands ran through my hair and her hazel eyes screamed concern. My lips curved into a phony smile as I left the blunt on the mahogany table alone and followed her to our bed. How I love the way she holds me within her condescending yet calming embrace. Everytime I catch myself watching her sleep I give my vanity a direct stab in the heart. I am stuck in her love and she continues to be my favourite drug.

I straighten my tie and watch her as she dutifully wraps up a sandwich for my lunch and winks at me as she catches me gawking. A tender kiss, a naughty whisper in my ear about the menu for the night and she pushes me off to work.

Giving her a call during my coffee breaks has become a custom and hastily cutting it after talking to me for less than a minute has become hers. Shopping she says or Hanging out with her Girls she says. Sometimes I miss her enough to drive back home during my breaks just to surprise her and tell her she means the world. Now I regret doing that. Ignorance is bliss I say.

I want to see the pain in her eyes as she dies. I have wanted to kill her since that day. I grab my coat and run towards my car. A gun rests under my seat as I drive home, hands trembling and jaw clutched tight compressing the feeling of pure disgust. I see my home and I can already visualize what lies within. I walk towards the side of our bedroom and raise the curtains only enough to see the silhouette of two people tied together in ecstasy, moans managing to leave the walls.

Certain emotions cannot be defined. They are too overpowering. I move away from the wall, walk back to my car and smile at the gun in my hand. I had bought it 3 months back just to give her story an end and it’s still not used.

As night visits, she crawls inside the blanket with me and tells me about the day. How busy the house cleaning kept her. How beautiful she looks as she lies. “Not tonight” she says and prepares to sleep, as I walk towards the balcony for a roll of weed.

“If you love me stop using it. It will kill you one day” she shouts as I close the bedroom door.

I am addicted. Yes I am and you woman, you are killing me.

WHAT KIND OF RELATIONSHIP ARE YOU IN ??

Missed my lists? No? Atleast I did, furtively a lot! I am no relationship expert when I write this, nor am I an amateur to ignore this topic. More than half of the people I know are in relationships, different species of it. I just need to ask them "So how are u and Mr. X doing and they all give me a different version of love" .I have also noticed that this LOVE changes with time and so does their version of it. From ‘So much in love’ to ‘He and me need different things from life’ to ‘I am seeing someone else’, I have seen it all. So I thought why not jot down the different kinds of relationships I see around me.

And The List Begins

1)      The Coochycoo one- They are the kinds who sit on the same side of the table always, irrespective of the fact that they make the friends who happen to be in their company uncomfortable. They get all mushy and starry eyed because for them love is a fairytale. You can call them the beginners and you can see the Public display of affection decrease with time. They could be a fling or just an experience in the big bag of life.

2)      The Married souls- I call them this, not because they are married but because they behave like perfect couples. They know everything there is to know about each other, or they like to believe that way. They seem perfect in everyone’s eyes. Not too romantic but when it’s needed, a twinkle in the eye or a little smile passes the message. I would like to see them be together for life, but looking at the relationships around me, majority hit rock bottom due to many issues like ‘ Family Priorities’, ‘ Not in love anymore’ etc. But some do survive and I would love to see that happen.

3)       The Hush Hush ones- They could be friends turned lovers, classmates or colleagues at work.  They are committed but for reasons reasonable enough for them, they keep it a secret. Even when their close friends are smart enough to make out what’s going on and are frank enough to ask, these couples will never reveal the truth. I read this somewhere ‘If you have to keep your relationship a secret, why be in one’. 

4)      The Practical- They look like the perfect couple. A friend, a lover, a protector, they can be whatever their lover needs from them. They are the ones who make you go “I wish I had someone like that”. But when you enquire about their future together, they say “Love cannot feed you for life. If we both manage to get jobs good enough to live together happily without any compromises or blaming each other, and if we still love each other they way we do now, then we would get married". You frown at that answer, but for them that makes perfect sense.

5)      The Open Hearts- They define what they have for each other as ‘Love’ but that doesn’t stop them from looking for better options. The Open relationship could be one sided without the other partner being aware of it, or it could be a mutual decision. I am noone to comment but I am strongly against this kind. 

6)      The Mysterious kinds- They have no definition and they try to hide away from the questions you throw at them regarding their status. They are not JUST FRIENDS and nor are they GOING AROUND. They get jealous when the other smiles to an opposite sex or gets too friendly with them. They care enough about each other to be called MADLY IN LOVE, but they do not define it and are happy exploring as to what it really is. Time gets the privilege to define it and I respect that. 

7)      The On & Offs- These are common to find. One day they are cuddling in each others arms and the next day they are punching each other in a mad frenzy and you have to pull them off each other lest one of them dies. The next day you see them love kissed again. So whenever someone in this kind of relationship comes to me and says "I broke up with him. He is such a nincompoop", I smile without looking at her and say "I hope you say the same tomorrow" 

If you happen to know some more kinds of Relationships, please do write them down on the comment box. I would love to read. 

sHAPPY pONAM !!!!

P.S- Long post isn’t it? Sorry!

P.P.S- Being chased by a street dog is awesome no? Fuck!!!

Image Courtesy-memsaab.com