DUCK-FACE CULTURE.....

I think I am getting old. Old enough to start my conversations with “Humare Zamaane Mein” and old enough to fret about generation gap.  I am feeling old at the age of 24.

Yesterday was Holi and while I was working, the entire India celebrated it with the sole intention of updating the photos of their colourful self on Facebook and Instagram. To denote it with an on-the-spot made statistic, 99.99% people did not even know the story behind the festival. Anyway, I rushed back home after work to be greeted by my little 7 yr old cousin who looked like someone had mistaken her to be a pen and had dipped her in an ink bottle. I smiled as she asked me to click a photo of her and her other sinister friends. As soon as I raised the camera to click, all of them jutted out their waist to a specific angle, kept their hands on their hips, looked at the camera in a quizzical manner and made a duck face. I kept the camera down and left.

For those who live under a rock, ‘Duck-face’ according to Urban dictionary means “ the face made if you push your lips together in a combination of a pout and a pucker, giving the impression you have larger cheekbones and bigger lips.”

But a better definition would be “the grotesque expression made by stupid people in a vain attempt to appear sexually promiscuous.”

I remember how as a kid and during my teenage years, posing for photos meant three things. Either making a V for Vagina sign, or making a sign that we saw many rock stars make in MTV or giving each other finger horns. Half of my photos consisted of me with finger horns.  I was happy with finger horns and Vagina V. The only expression we ever attempted on our face apart from forceful smiles, was the ‘Attitude’ look which 9 out of 10 times made me look like I was suffering from constipation.

What does a duck face imply? I have finally shortlisted four answers for this-

1) Look at me, I am a sexually charged object and I know you want me!

2) I am on a medication that makes my facial tissue suffer from spasms.

3) I am kissing a ghost and obviously you cannot see him.

4) Donald Duck was a huge success. I love Donald Duck.

As I log into Facebook, I am bombarded with the photos of my Juniors pouting beside the Baga beach in Goa, my friends pouting in front of a melting ice-cream, my best friend pouting before the statue of Lord Ganesha at Siddhivinayak Temple and my far off relative Mrs.Susheela attempting a duck face that makes her look like she took this selfie seconds before her trip to the loo to barf her intestines out.

HERE A POUT, THERE A POUT, EVERYWHERE A POUT POUT.

It needs to stop!

This reminds me of my great-grandmother who was so forgetful that she used to throw away the dentures we bought her. Consequently, we stopped buying her dentures and started feeding her with manually mashed food. It was cute to watch her involuntarily pucker and pout as she ate a banana. That was the only duck face I will ever find adorable. God bless her soul.

I am a very calm person, per se. Even though I have this rage against the whole ‘duck-face’ culture on the rise, I still do not go around campaigning against it. I do not leave rude comments under pictures. I just ignore. But yesterday a friend of mine messaged me on Facebook to go check out her new profile picture and to comment underneath. So, as a good friend I went to her profile and was rewarded with a duck face. And just like a good friend would, I left a comment under the picture. “QUACK QUACK”

Of course she deleted the comment and isn't talking to me.

P.S- Selfies rule!

Image Courtesy- Tumblr

THE ART OF BEING TRADITIONAL WITH A MODERN APPROACH....

A quintessential Indian woman should be traditional. She should be shy, reserved, blushing at the rate of 1 blush per 15 seconds and above all she must practice geometrical drawings with her toes on the ground at the sight of a guy she likes. According to the “SOCIETY, A CRAZY BREED” dictionary, a modern girl means “A homo sapien of the female gender who suffers from a psychological illness whereby she believes that she is born with the freedom that only the male gender enjoys.” In a country like India, being modern is the more unacceptable than pre marital sex.

So I got enlisted in one of the premium matrimonial websites last year, for a period of 3 mths. My profile was paid for, extra bucks were thrown in to get my profile highlighted in blue and a little more was spent for the ease with which the male species would come across a tigress like me. After all I am such a magnificent catch. At the end of 3 mths and 72 proposals, all of which came from divorcees, innocent 25yr old divorcee with YouTube links on his profile of him singing,  10^th class fail, 45 year old pedophiles, bald body builders, too thin to be carried on my shoulders, watchman, Muslim men with a fantasy of marrying a Hindu girl and women pretending to be men, my family called it quits. They were disappointed with the kind of crowd I was drawing to myself. My relatives declared that there was something very very wrong with me. When every second Indian traditional girl is finding her Mr. Perfect through matrimonial site intervention, why not me? The answer was found in my Bio which read something like this:

“We are looking for a suitable alliance for our fair, well educated and employed daughter. Our daughter is Modern and was raised in the North. We seek alliance from Like minded boy with SHUDH JADAKAM. Please contact us for the detailed horoscope”

The reason behind my failed matrimonial fashion parade was the word “MODERN”. After a few hours of analyzing, over analyzing, putting forward a thesis and a dozen antithesis, my family decided to replace the word “MODERN” with “TRADITIONAL WITH A MODERN APPROACH”. That is the sole hurdle in my journey towards matrimonial enlightenment. So now my 'About Me' says:

“We are looking for a suitable alliance for our fair, well educated and employed daughter. Our daughter is traditional with a modern approach and was raised in the North. We seek alliance from Like minded boy with SHUDH JADAKAM. Please contact us for the detailed horoscope.”

(Kindly note that there is no mention of the fact that I am an advocate. Thank you very much.)

How exactly does one become traditional with a modern approach? Does it mean that I drape myself with Kanjeevaram saree while wearing Louis Vuitton boots on my feet? Does it mean that I visit the temple every day and later smoke a joint at a rave party? Or does it mean that I touch my grandparent’s feet every time I leave the house and then at night share a snifter glass of wine with them? What exactly did it mean?

And then it hit me. Almost all Indian women are “Traditional with a modern approach”. Yes we are. We do like a drink every now and then but our family doesn’t know about it. We do wear short skirts when with friends but change into Kurta Pajama with Dupatta to cover our ample bosoms when we visit our grandparents. We do not see pre marital sex as taboo but we won’t tell about it to anyone. We like watching or reading porn but we won’t be open about it like the men. We have desires that our man knows but our family thinks we commit the crime that is sex only to procreate. We gossip about women who are adventurous, all the while hiding the adventures we have been a part of. We are Modern packed in a facade that is tradition.

So yes I am an epitome of a “Traditional with a Modern approach” woman. I have my secrets and I have my not so secret desires. I can make you a part of my secrets and force you to fall in love, all the while hiding my reality from the society. I lead a dual life. I am an illusionist.

And so you ask me, will I get married now that I am no more modern? Well, I promise you guys one thing. Whatever happens with me, it shall not be an ordinary story. It shall not be a simple case and it shall definitely not be through a matrimonial website parade. After all, I am traditional with a modern approach. *WINKS*

P.S- Do not see me as someone who is against the idea of getting married with the help of matrimonial websites. I am all for it and many of my friends are getting married to perfect hot sizzlers because of it. I just don’t like being a part of it.

P.P.S- New Year to you all!!! It is upon you and destiny to make it Happy or Crappy.

SEX VEX

Sex is my favourite subject both theoretically and practically. My special inclination towards this particular field is genetically imbibed by my nervous system because I am an Indian. I am from the land which gave birth to the nomad sage who wrote the pain in the hole(s) ‘KAMASUTRA’. I mean I am pretty sure that he did not stick to a single yoga woman to practise all those intricate and sometimes life threatening positions but a variety of prostitutes which he choose fussily according to the body mass and spine bending each position demanded. There is even the possibility of the existence of inflated dolls even then or the usage of a skilled contortionist who is also a part time slut. 

It’s funny how the Indian culture proclaims to be least promiscuous culture in the world and it does so by shunning pre marital sex and claiming that all their daughters are tight sealed till after marriage. Yet it happens to be country which is ranked 2^nd when it comes to searching the term ‘sex’ in Google. Sadly Pakistan took the 1^st position but behold there is hope for there is always a next year!!

Majority of the MENkind in our country demand a sealed woman when it comes to marriage, while a major section of the WOMENkind who lost their V Card long before marriage to some ex flame, plan on squeezing their pelvic muscles tight and blame the spin bike sessions at the gym for not bleeding on the D Day! Why is sex such a taboo when it is the greatest entertainment known to man? Why is virginity an issue? Why should one save himself/ herself till he/she is tied into a lifelong relationship solemnized before the entire family and legalized by paper? Well yes, our culture says so and we should respect that.

Incest has always been a peculiar issue. I deem it to be an offence and contrary to the rules set by nature. But how did this entire taboo against incestual sex begin? There are customs which permit marriages between close relatives. History shows that incestuous marriages were widespread at least during the Graeco-Roman period of Egyptian history. Numerous papyri and the Roman census declarations attest to many husbands and wives as being brother and sister. Incest still happens behind closed doors and even if marriage happens by eloping, one never tries to find out the history of the relationship. My point is there used to be a time when same sex marriages or the whole concept of being gay was a taboo and contrary to the rules of God himself. Now it is deemed a human right by us to choose your sexual inclination and be respected for that. Will a time come when humanity will become so open minded that even incest would be able to come out of the closet? I pray NOT!!

I believe that the Sexual frustration among men is the highest in our country. Our moral police ministers watch porn while the assembly is in progress. Of the top 10 cities in the world searching for “sex” as per Google Trends data, eight are Indian. Why blame it all on the men when accept it or not, our women population are equally curious. Not that I have anything against watching porn! But why hide your interest in the subject? Why switch channels as soon as the ‘MANFORCE black grape condoms’ commercial starts? And if Indians are not sexually promiscuous atleast in their mind, then show it on the population count which is beyond galactic!!!

Now my brother is 16 yr old and this means that my mother is stalking him like crazy. The problem with my adorable mother is that her stalking becomes immensely nerve tearing, sometimes leading to delegation of her detective work to me. Why should I stalk my brother and report to her if my brother has been a naughty boy by talking to loose ladies online or visiting some porny sites? He is a growing boy and no matter how much you stop him, he will always find his way to what he likes. If he wants to watch, let him for he will one day get over it and if he doesn’t, good for him. What is so wrong in him being curious unless offcourse he wants practical lessons! Oh dear Lord!!

I think this post is getting a little too dirty and I don’t have the slightest clue as to what was in my mind when I started writing. But yeah! Here is a post finally. 

P.S- Been busy and don’t know with what. Life sometimes keeps you on your toes. Sorry for not keeping track of the posts on my blog list.

P.P.S- I am now a Law Graduate. Just can’t wait for the convocation! Jobless though….but not for long!!
P.P.P.S- Btw made Choco Lava some days back. I am Bloody proud!! :D

LOW-BUTT BAGGY JEANS

You ! Yes you! Bending over the pool table trying to get the perfect shot. Your jeans are sliding down your butt cheeks. Oh! You meant them to be that way? Oh that is fashion and it is called Baggy Jeans? 

Well Sir, I never knew that by fashion you meant looking like an anorexic lad with no iliac crest or for that matter no hip bone. My love, you and your other low waist baggy jeans clad dorks are a topic of discussion between me and my girls. Now before you get excited about a couple of chicks looking at you and commenting while you bend down trying to get a perfect snooker shot, let me tell you that we have a bet going on here. We are betting on how low will you let your bag called jeans fall, before you get your senses back and pull them up? Sometimes I really think, they might touch your knees. You never fail to surprise me with our outrageous fashion sense!

   

Tell me is that floral underwear you are wearing inside, good enough to be flaunted? If you think they are awesome, why not be the next superman, eh love? Belts are cheap actually and you get them even in the shop you bought those amazing low-butt jeans from. If you cannot afford it, please ask me because I am a generous young lady who can definitely spare some bucks for your pathetic little condition.

Baby, did you poop in your pants? Or are you constantly horny and fighting an erection that you want that much space down there? Honey butt crack is not sexy I tell you and no matter how sexy you are, butt crack show will always be treated with pure disgust.

   

The other day my lovely mother asked me if you are suffering from severe Diarrhoea. She thinks you are wearing diapers underneath. Those Pampers and Huggies kind of diapers. I don’t wish to clear off her doubt by asking you to do a strip show because one day that poor piece of denim will naturally slip off and prove her wrong.

Mister, you are leaving a hypnotising effect on my little brother. He has started to show off his cartoon underwear by wearing his school pants real low. He even got scolded by his English teacher for that. 

   

Ok! You want to show off your underwear, atleast wear a branded one. What? You already are? Baby, I don’t think POMA, JOCKAY, REEBUK qualify as brands. Whom are you kidding? You say they are comfortable? Then why do you pull them up in a gap of minutes? And if you are looking for space and comfort, try the Lungi way of comfort. You will even get some air down there.

Please baby, pull the pants up before they catch you and put you behind the bars. They might mistake you to be a flasher. The wind has been kind to you till now but who knows, one strong breeze and your manhood might be out for the public to judge. 

   

I don’t mind baggy jeans as long as they don’t show me your butt crack. This post isn’t for you if your jeans are low waist and not low butt. This post is not directed towards you if you keep your underwear hidden and not trying desperately to flaunt your nonexistent flat butt.

  

Also if you can’t afford a belt, get a rope!

 

P.S- Nothing to write as P.S or P.P.S or P.P.P.S this time :P

Image Courtesy- kilichan.deviantart.com

LORD OF THE WIND AND THE OMINOUS BEGGAR

I am a very mean person and I am extremely partial. That is what my friend called me for I was deciding whom to give a penny to between two beggars. One was a middle aged woman who looked perfectly healthy with a sleeping child in her arms. The child had mucous overflowing from his button nose. The other beggar was a really old man with gangrene rotting his right leg. I did the reasoning and paid the old man a penny. My friend asked me what was behind my inhumane act since I had a couple of more change in my purse and I could definitely afford a penny for the woman.

So I have my reasoning. I do not drop a penny to any beggar who has not yet hit retirement age and who is physically fine. If you are really old or with something wrong going on with your body, you qualify for a penny. I am not making fun of poor people here; I am just showing my dislike towards begging. If you are not old enough and you are physically fit then you are wrong to choose begging as your paying source. Call me mean and I grin.

Yesterday I broke my LAW. Yes I did and I blame the MANIPULATIVE LORD OF THE WIND for the breach of contract with myself.

I got into a bus which was scheduled to leave the stop in another five minutes or so. I was busy minding my own business of gawking at a hot guy passing by when this woman, clad in a Saree better than my house maid’s, gets inside the bus and starts distributing some sort of a pamphlet. I did not even ask for it! She kept it on my thigh and continued distributing. Since I am an Indian, I am very much used to this game. I could visualize something like “My husband was in the army and I have 3 children. My husband got killed in the Kargil war and I am left just with my children. My younger brother who has cancer also stays with us. Help us with some money”. This woman was so young that having three kids before the Kargil war in which her husband died, shows that she would have got pregnant at the age of 10 or something. But poor me, nobody likes my logic!

I continued not touching the card on my leg and acted as if I was busy Googling about some tribe in Somalia. But this LORD OF THE WIND blew one nasty wind and the card got lifted from my thunder thighs and got settled in the muddiest pothole outside. All I could do was stick my head out of the window and watch the yellow card float on the mud until a bus ran over it.

The woman came back to collect her ‘precious’ and all I could do was show weird hand gestures and point outside. The woman started shouting at me in a voice scarier than my chemistry teacher’s frog tone from back in school.

This beggar woman I tell you was so manipulative that she gained the sentiment of every two legged person in that vehicle. They all looked at me as if I was Ajmal Kasab and did “Tch Tch! Today's kids no respect. World will end in 2012”. Are they actually planning to blame me if ever the world explodes and kills itself?

The beggar asked me to pay her and everyone nodded their heads in unison. I opened my purse, looked at the 1 rupee coins I had and was going to take one out when the fat BITCH of a woman sitting beside me tells me that according to her I should pay around ten rupees to the poor woman. To stop this embarrassment A.S.A.P,I pulled out a crisp ten rupee note and the so called POOR woman snatched it from between my firmly stuck together fingers and fled from the spot.

Why God Why???!!! Was there anything wrong with my reasoning??? Or were you just in a dire need of a hearty laugh????!!! Guess what? Today instead of keeping the cross on my pillow, right beside my head while sleeping, I will keep you under the pillow and keep my head on top of you. NO MORE AIR FOR YOU!! 

P.S- I am heartbroken! I mean really! In my previous post about Lust & Love , I received a comment by a lady from abroad, appreciating the Goddamn painting I used above the post. She liked the colours she says :(. She said nothing about my post but just the image I Googled out. :( 

Image Courtesy- coolpictures.in

Why Should I Be Getting Married

1)      FRUIT THEORY-According to Amma girls are like Fruits as in the Apple, Banana, Orange kind. As she purports, the theory rightfully suggests that like fruits go bad after some time, girls too after an age go bad. Thus, they should be eaten/ married before the spoilage time. When asked about the spoilage post marriage she remarks “CAVEAT EMPTOR” which as most of you know means ‘LET THE BUYER BEWARE’.

2)      THE BABYUSER THEORY-I am tired of going to the shop and asking for Johnsons baby products. The old man gawks at me and then scans me from head to toe. Why can’t a 22 yr old girl use that product? Is it clinically prohibited? After marriage and ones the so called baby Red Handed comes, I can use the kid as the means to get my products. That way even the eerie looks can be escaped.

3)      ATM THEORY-I have come to a stage in my life where I am stuck. Final year of college and isn’t even sitting for placements since Law Firms and its heavy pocket salary doesn’t interest her ( Hard face slap). Wants to pursue higher studies and is interested in Government services and NGO’s but life is uncertain. So at this point getting married is the best option especially when the wants are always running 1000km/hr faster than the needs. A marriage to an ATM machine sounds generous enough.

4)      ON YOUR FACE THEORY-The relatives who have been stalking my Facebook account and gossiping about the mystery man can finally get it ON THEIR BLOODY FACES. I am tired of the cousins and aunties whose mug-heads are topped with halos, looming over my facebook profile and later asking me who is the guy I am talking to. I am tired of changing my privacy settings to the point that I have deleted half of the relatives and now my life is more bitched about than their favourite soaps villain.

5)      GOLD THEORY- Like I have mentioned in one of my previous post, being a Malayalee there is a lot of Gold involved in the marriage. I want to get married before the gold collected increases the amount I can put up with and stand throughout the ceremony.

P.S- I have not reached the SPOILAGE TIME and marriage is no where in the cards right now, but sometimes you think about marriage how much ever tom-boyish you are as a girl. Blame is to be put on the one who made me think about it. Sometimes you are so happy with certain moments spent that you just want to make it all yours and have it all your life. I am talking nonsense now.

P.S.S-  Sorry for posting this. Having my Stupid yet happy about it phase of life. If i find that anyone of you have stopped following me after this post, i am gonna start my famous VOODOO.The entire post makes no sense but was written because the writer wanted to. She has lost her mind. Prayers needed! 

Photo Courtesy- dumree.com