SIMPLE UNCONVENTIONAL MIND

Her daughter was almost on the verge of committing suicide today morning. Her best friend had seen her go to the College terrace and had followed her when she did not respond, only to find her sitting on the railing and staring at the miniature vehicles parked below. After being forcefully made go to get down to the safer side and pulled to go back to attend the class, did Anjali confide to her about the thought of committing suicide.

She held me close as she wept. Anjali was her only daughter and that too someone who made every other girl of her age go green with Envy. A brilliant student, a gifted Sitar player and really beautiful. But soon after matriculating, she started being someone which she wasn’t. Her situation could not be described, for there were days which were never absolutely normal. Either she was too cheerful to laugh all day or she was gloomy enough to pull her hair one by one from the scalp. She stopped being the usual her and her mood could transform from mania to depression in a matter of few minutes.

Today after consulting 2 renowned Psychiatrists, it was declared that she suffered from Bipolar disorder and that too of the worst kind. 

Looking at her mother crying, I strangely felt nothing but a fight of emotions happening inside. I remember delivering my child and hating it from the moment I saw it. I still feel that it looked like a monster with Patchy skin and really dark skin, on those initial days after birth. I preferred not seeing it on the first three days but I had to for it had to be fed. Noone thought it looked ugly but me. 

As days passed I started liking the monster, since it still belonged to me. The patchy skin gave way to soft fair skin and he turned from being a monster to being my baby. Everyone said that he looked this way from the beginning and they looked down on me when I told them about his previous state of ugliness. My husband took me to a psychotherapist, who told that I suffered from post pregnancy depression known as postpartum depression. She promised that it was common and that it would soon go away.

I remember sitting on the revolving office chair contemplating suicide. I had no reasons for doing so, but I wanted my life to end. I knew it was because of my situation but how can you control the thoughts and shut them down? The battle of the thoughts was won by me, only after giving due weightage to my baby and my family. They are the only reason I am alive.

I remember overhearing Anjali’s mother tell her friend over the phone, that I was a Mad-woman and that I needed to meet some Tantrik. She even thought that I was possessed by the devil himself. It took me one year to be normal again. But more than that, it was the support of my Husband that brought me back.

Now I watch her crying. Should I direct her daughter to an Exorcist?

P.S- Strictly not Fiction. 

P.P.S- Hate myself for not being able to reply to the generous comments i received on my last post. Exams happening. :(

P.P.P.S- I cannot let you all leave my blog without smiling, so here is a click direct from the deep South 

Welcome To Kerala

GET FAMOUS OVERNIGHT !!

We all want to be dead famous and filthy rich. Ok stop!! Don’t give me that nasty look and say “I am happy the way I am!”. I know how you hold your hand shower like a mic in the bathroom and act like you are giving a live concert before thousands of your imaginary fans. So here is a guide as to how to become famous without actually being talented. If you are good for nothing, these are your easy ways to achieve fame.

1)   Start a rumour- Go to your local News Channel office and pour down your fake tale as to how a celebrity sexually assaulted you and threatened to kill you. For Boys, you just need to say how awesome the threesome with the celebrity and his girlfriend was. Simple! From local news to National news and you shall be famous! Choice of the celebrity matters. No one gives a damn if you had a threesome with Bobby Darling.

2)  Assassinate someone- Choose the most trending Celebrity or Politician in twitter and plan an assassination. The messier the assassination, the better. Google provides enough information as to how to assassinate someone, and if that isn’t enough, come to mama! Get famous for your notoriety.

3)     Be the Worst at something- Make a video of you doing something which you are pathetic at and upload it on YouTube. People like laughing at your misery and this is the sure path to success. Did you not watch the Fat man dance on the song MY HUMP by FERGIE? If not WATCH IT

4)    Get Naked- Spend some money and go watch a Match live from the stadium. During the half- time break, get naked and shock everyone by running across the stadium. Did anyone even know Poonam Pandey before her broken World Cup promise? Any publicity is good publicity.

5)    Blog- Don’t be a normal blogger like me. Be someone like Govind Tiwari or The Madrasan! You will be famous overnight! I might take a decade or so, to be half as famous as them. 

6)    Fast Unto Death- This is most IN thing right now. Take an issue haunting the society or the country you belong to, find the office of INDIA TV, sit before their office and fast. You are under the threat of dying but even if you do, you will be famous for atleast a day after that.

7)   Psychic Pet- You know the psychic Octopus, don’t you! Get yourself a pet and claim that it has psychic abilities. A simple dog or a cat won’t work. Buy yourself a Cobra or a Sea Lion. Even a Duck will do.

Now that I have enlightened you as to how to be famous overnight, there is no hindrance between you and your dream to get Famous. If you are actually thinking about incorporating any of the above mentioned Means to Success, then GOD SAVE YOU!

P.S- Lame post I know, but remember that I too have the right to be Silly. 

P.P.S-I once had 8 Espressos back to back to win a bet. I hallucinated for three days and everytime i peed the toilet smelled like Barista.
P.P.P.S- Meet RUBY, the Labrador.

Image Courtesy  for the first image- cheezburger.com

Somebody Please Marry Me!

I have never been this humiliated. Like ever! I have no intention to get married any time soon and my parents too are least bothered about finding the perfect lungi Guy for me. 

I recently went for a marriage ceremony of some family relative’s second cousin’s granddaughter. As expected, I did not know a single soul out there. But why crib about it when you have 17 food stalls, all capable of making your tongue wet, scattered all around the marriage garden. I was keeping myself busy with my third serving of the Gulab Jamun and Icecream, when a fat aunty pops her head out from between the shoulders of two Gulliver size men and smiles at me as if she was my mother in my previous birth. I smiled back and then continued shoving the dessert down my food pipe. 

After I had carefully tested each and every food stall in the garden, including the much hated ‘DAHI VADA’ counter, I shut down the cacophony around me with the help of my headphones and went and stood near my mother, who was talking to a woman in whose plate a juicy JALEBI was left untouched. Such a waste she is!!

As I continued to pretend being amused and not at all bored, that fat woman came in my sight and I saw her smiling her toothless smile as she walked towards me. My mother, who believes in inviting embarrassment upon her only daughter i.e ME, smiled at the fat lady and even initiated the conversation, which went something like this.

Mother India- Namaste!

Fat Aunty-       Hello! My name is Mrs XYZ. I am from the groom’s side of the family.

Mother India- Oh!My name is Mrs ABCD. We are from the bride’s side.

Fat Aunty-    Oh no wonder! I was wondering why I have never seen you daughter in our Malayalee Association’s youth programmes. What is your name?

Mother India- Take the headphones out of your ears! How many times will I tell you that music at such loud volume will make you deaf? Haven’t I told you what happened to my office peon’s younger daughter? Meet Mrs XYZ. Mrs XYZ, meet my daughter RED HANDED.

Saying that, my mother left to wash her hands and then plunge herself into the dessert session. The lady caught hold of my wrist and came so close that I could get the stench of garlic from her mouth.

ME-              Namaste Aunty!

Fat Aunty-   Hello Beta! I have a son! He is in Dubai earning phorty thousand rupeej every mth.

ME-              OH OK.

Fat Aunty-   He is 27 yrs old and has done M.Sc in Chemistry from Chennai. He looks just like me!

ME-              OH OK.

Fat Aunty-   How old are you?

ME-              22 yrs.

Fat Aunty-  Oh Perfect age for getting married! What course are you doing?

ME-              I am in my Final Year of BA.LL.B(hons) from a National Law University.

FAT Aunty-  Oh Vakeel? LLB? Hmmm ok. Ok Beta. Bye!

Without even giving me a chance to make her understand the difference between LLB and BA.LLB , she ran the race of her life away from me. 

It’s not that I wanted to marry her GELF settled son. It’s not that I had any interest in the dog and his MSc (Chemistry) from Chennai. CHEMISTRY for God’s sake!! But what made me go for my fourth serving of GULAB JAMUN and ICECREAM was the fact that I was humiliated because the Fat aunty did not find me good enough for her lousy son. Just because I am a future lawyer a.k.a Vakeel. What does she think about me? I am just another girl who believes in marrying a good guy and ruining his life. Huh!

My Parents are going to have a really tough time trying to get rid of me.

P.S- I am in my worst mood because the University exams are doing Tandav on my head. Here is a random click. Ignore the mess behind!

FACEBOOK

LORD OF THE WIND AND THE OMINOUS BEGGAR

I am a very mean person and I am extremely partial. That is what my friend called me for I was deciding whom to give a penny to between two beggars. One was a middle aged woman who looked perfectly healthy with a sleeping child in her arms. The child had mucous overflowing from his button nose. The other beggar was a really old man with gangrene rotting his right leg. I did the reasoning and paid the old man a penny. My friend asked me what was behind my inhumane act since I had a couple of more change in my purse and I could definitely afford a penny for the woman.

So I have my reasoning. I do not drop a penny to any beggar who has not yet hit retirement age and who is physically fine. If you are really old or with something wrong going on with your body, you qualify for a penny. I am not making fun of poor people here; I am just showing my dislike towards begging. If you are not old enough and you are physically fit then you are wrong to choose begging as your paying source. Call me mean and I grin.

Yesterday I broke my LAW. Yes I did and I blame the MANIPULATIVE LORD OF THE WIND for the breach of contract with myself.

I got into a bus which was scheduled to leave the stop in another five minutes or so. I was busy minding my own business of gawking at a hot guy passing by when this woman, clad in a Saree better than my house maid’s, gets inside the bus and starts distributing some sort of a pamphlet. I did not even ask for it! She kept it on my thigh and continued distributing. Since I am an Indian, I am very much used to this game. I could visualize something like “My husband was in the army and I have 3 children. My husband got killed in the Kargil war and I am left just with my children. My younger brother who has cancer also stays with us. Help us with some money”. This woman was so young that having three kids before the Kargil war in which her husband died, shows that she would have got pregnant at the age of 10 or something. But poor me, nobody likes my logic!

I continued not touching the card on my leg and acted as if I was busy Googling about some tribe in Somalia. But this LORD OF THE WIND blew one nasty wind and the card got lifted from my thunder thighs and got settled in the muddiest pothole outside. All I could do was stick my head out of the window and watch the yellow card float on the mud until a bus ran over it.

The woman came back to collect her ‘precious’ and all I could do was show weird hand gestures and point outside. The woman started shouting at me in a voice scarier than my chemistry teacher’s frog tone from back in school.

This beggar woman I tell you was so manipulative that she gained the sentiment of every two legged person in that vehicle. They all looked at me as if I was Ajmal Kasab and did “Tch Tch! Today's kids no respect. World will end in 2012”. Are they actually planning to blame me if ever the world explodes and kills itself?

The beggar asked me to pay her and everyone nodded their heads in unison. I opened my purse, looked at the 1 rupee coins I had and was going to take one out when the fat BITCH of a woman sitting beside me tells me that according to her I should pay around ten rupees to the poor woman. To stop this embarrassment A.S.A.P,I pulled out a crisp ten rupee note and the so called POOR woman snatched it from between my firmly stuck together fingers and fled from the spot.

Why God Why???!!! Was there anything wrong with my reasoning??? Or were you just in a dire need of a hearty laugh????!!! Guess what? Today instead of keeping the cross on my pillow, right beside my head while sleeping, I will keep you under the pillow and keep my head on top of you. NO MORE AIR FOR YOU!! 

P.S- I am heartbroken! I mean really! In my previous post about Lust & Love , I received a comment by a lady from abroad, appreciating the Goddamn painting I used above the post. She liked the colours she says :(. She said nothing about my post but just the image I Googled out. :( 

Image Courtesy- coolpictures.in

THE SERIOUS POST

     
                              

My life isn’t as funny as this blog suggests! Or maybe it actually is, but from the viewers point of view. I have been really wanting to write about something that has really touched the way I perceive the things around me and why we the MY-LIFE-IS-SO-STALE sulking people should be grateful that God let it remain stale and not spicy enough to kill us.

DO NOT READ FURTHER IF YOU HOPE THAT THIS WILL GET FUNNY. I PROMISE YOU IT WONT.

Last December I interned with CHRI. If your GK isn’t keeping pace, CHRI stands for Commonwealth Human Rights Initiative. A great NGO with a few good souls trying to make things better for the long forgotten sections of the society, including PRISONERS. You might wonder as to why do prisoners need help and I wont blame you because even I smirked when I read about it in the organisation’s web site. Let me remind you that this is a huge organisation dealing with all the commonwealth countries.

Because of my curiosity, I applied for the prison reforms department of the NGO and luckily got in. It was fun at first but then as always it got dull and utterly boring and that’s when I got this offer. I along with the department heads have to visit this tiny village/ city ALWAR in Rajasthan for a week and go to the Central Prison and conduct interviews. Off course I got hyper! Visiting a prison and that too conduct personal interviews of the DAKOOS, RAPISTS, MURDERERS, DRUG DEALERS, sounded cool to me for some alien reason.

We reached Alwar and it is looked like a moving picture to me. Exactly like you see in the paintings. Colourful turban adorned men playing cards by the street, camels, and women with pots on their head. I felt like the perfect tourist! But this is not I came here for. Atleast not completely! I was here to interview the under-trials. Under-trials mean the prisoners who have been accused of committing an offense and are not actually punished. I mean to say that their case is still going on in the court and actually not decided.

I entered the Central Prison the next day and on the outside it looked beautiful. The Jailor was good to me and it seemed like everyone respected him. There were some white KHAKI clad men who were taking care of the records. The jailor told me that these white uniformed men were actual convicts who have been given life sentence for murder, rape, dacoity. I gulped because these were the people who would be helping me out with the record keeping. They seemed innocent to me though! I still did not understand why prisoners needed protection and rights.

Hospital stretcher turned into a table and seats were provided. The 368 undertrials in the prison where alphabetically categorized, with the age group being from 15 to 80 yrs. I was ordered to just ask the questions and not get any deeper because they get very emotional especially the women. So, the stern face of mine helped or maybe it did not. You know you picture murderers, rapists, dacoits to be those rugged faced, evil shine in the eye, a big scratch on the face type, but they never are. These were really sweet people who did not even try to judge someone who didn’t know anything about their life, interviewing them. Each one of them had weird names though. KALU BHAI, MOTURAM (this was as thin as a toothpick), SALEEM a.k.a HITLER RASHEED and so on.

These people needed real help. They were here just because they were accused of something and not actually held guilty by the Court. A guy who was accused of steeling a gold chain had been waiting for the courts decision since 4 yrs, while Mr LAWBOOK clearly states that if proven guilty the maximum time of imprisonment would be 3 years! Another guy could not even sit properly and he tried to escape the looks of the jail authorities and tell me that in the police station he was beaten up and then hung from the ceiling and his legs where pulled in opposite directions till it snapped. All I could do was listen. Another guy told me that he was caught sleeping in the railway station and the police arrested him and charged him of murder and some unfinished cases. His widowed mother and sister still have no idea where he is. He is the sole bread earner of the family too. A man of 73 yrs old was here because some drugs where found on his farm. If found guilty he could be in jail for minimum 10 years to maximum life. This old man had severe gangrene and he faints every two hrs because of lack of medicine. He claims that a treatment for this is not available in the jail and the medicine he got from the previous checkup is over. His feet were literally like rotting tomatoes and he was forced to remove slippers before getting inside the interview room while I was allowed to get in with my muddied sandals! I am not saying that these people are innocent. Maybe they are lying. But the opposite cannot be ignored unless the justice cycle is complete. There was not even one who was a school graduate and were mostly illiterate. No lawyers, no clue how their case is going on in the court or are they just dusts for the legal system. Those with lawyers are looted till they have to sell off their lands to pay the fee and then one day the lawyer disappears. The magistrate sitting in court is always on leave and their case is never decided.

All we could do is interview them and then leave to our starred hotel rooms while they wait in anticipation and never loosing hopes. I and the heads managed to jot down the names of the inmates who had no lawyers and gave to the jailor. They have every right for a free lawyer which the government clearly states it provides. About the gangrene affected old man, I hope he is alive till Justice is rendered!

P.S- I don’t expect many readers for this because this is my first ever serious post and no one actually cares to read such long posts. But I wrote it for me!