DECIPHER ME

There is a void inside me. An empty space which once was filled with emotions of pure love for the one who completed my puzzle called life. It had never been easy for us ever, but we fought through all the barriers to just be able to live with and love each other. A quiet marriage in the courtroom wasn’t my dream wedding but at that moment, he seemed to be my destination and me, his redemption. I was deemed dead by my father who though did not show it, was heartbroken by the fact that I, his only daughter chose to go against him for another man. I do not regret even one bit of it and if I had to do it all again, I certainly would.

But what went wrong then? I wish I had an answer. I wish I could be honest to the man for whom I left almost everything and everyone for. Yesterday was our second anniversary and I could still see in his eyes the boundless love he had for me. No compromises what so ever. But why do I feel nothing but sheer pity and sympathy for him? Where has the soul of our relationship gone? Why do I kiss him before he goes to work, out of duty which once used to be out of love? Why don’t I crave for him anymore? 

I look at myself in the mirror and all I see is a woman withdrawn from what she had finally achieved after years of craving for it. I was with the man who loved me to the extent of being mistaken as devotion. But somewhere along the way, I had lost the utmost love that I carried for him. Someday in the past 2 years, somewhere and somehow the love was gone as if someone had just ripped it off my chest. All I now felt was empathy and the guilt of loosing something which he deserved, my love. 

Every night, as he hugs me to sleep, I make a solemn promise of being able to wake up to a new morning with love for him brimming in my heart. But all I wake up to is an empty heart and a meaningless existence. 

Today, something got over me and I opened up to him. I told him of what had been eating me up from within. He questioned my loyalty, cursed me, cried before me like an infant, tried to raise his hand on me and even tried to make me love him again. He stopped trying when he saw nothing for him in my eyes. He had lost me.

I am right now in a hotel room. My hastily packed luggage sits aimlessly on the side. I am on the bed with my nails digging into the white cotton bed sheet and my eyes fixed at the fan which continues to do its monotonous duty of rotating. My life is not meant to work that way. I have nowhere to go now, but I am at peace. My family won’t take me back nor will I go back to the man who loves me like no one ever can. But I truly am at peace. I have no direction or destination nor do I know what tomorrow would be like. I might regret it all tomorrow but today, I am at peace.

P.S- I wonder how many people continue to be with someone even after the divinity of the relationship is gone. I wonder what makes them continue­ it even after the essence of it is dead. Maybe it is the fear of being judged or the fear of letting go of a stable existence. But more than anything, I think it is the fear of change.

P.P.S- I realize that I haven’t replied to the generous comments I received in my last post. Real Sorry! My University final semester just began and I am kept busy because of it. Thankyou so much for not hating me already!