There are two types of young Malayalee women. One, those who are enlisted on any or all of the various matrimony sites or Two, those who rebelled against it or are the fruits of the loins of those fathers who rebel against it. I believed myself to be the fruit of one such loin until I was proved wrong by being colourfully displayed as a ‘Simple, caring, traditional girl’ on a presumed to be a top notch matrimonial site.
For men being on a matrimonial website is just like being on any other social networking site, except for the fact that it is mostly steered around by their parents. But for women it is like being exhibited as the best possession one can tie a knot to and drag back home from a religion and caste based market. Now I always knew that day was near. The day on which the saga of my arranged marriage starts. The day when I join thousands of citizens belonging to the kingdom of muliebrity who have already started the search for their Mr
& Society claim him to be’ Right.
As soon as I crash-landed home after 5 yrs of Law University, the crickets alias the relatives started chirping. Ignoring their matters at home, everyone oiled up their eyes in anticipation for the day my parents finally notice their presumed to be mature daughter and take their first step towards the destruction of the independence their offspring was enjoying. Three weeks back, I plunged or was rather thrown with tied limbs into the world of matrimonial sites. Sandwiched between my parents and forcefully glued in front of the laptop, I was made to type my own profile with words which screamed the antonyms of my character and personality. This was going to be a serious case of ‘caveat emptor’, which in simple words meant ‘let the buyer beware and save his own ass’. My hobbies according to the site includes ‘handicrafts, pet & cooking’ and my conscious pricks me on my derriere when I remember the fact that the only craft I ever made was fake flowers made out of AMUL milk packets for the best out of waste competition during my 6th grade (bastards didn’t even provide me with a consolation prize) and also the realization that my cooking experiments have numbed several taste buds belonging to various creatures including mine. But then again, there is always time to learn, isnt it?
Now I refuse to believe any chick who says that the idea of being on a matrimonial site never amused her. That bitch is lying! Obviously the scene is different in case of committed ladies. No matter how uninterested you claim to be you will sneak into your account just to look at how many proposals you have got till date or how many members have viewed your profile. You want to be desired or ‘want-able’ if any such word exists. You expect drool-some men to bang on your virtual door and ask your parents for your hand in marriage, even if you look like a dying hag. You can’t blame yourself since you are a woman after all. You will even indirectly provide your mother with your best photos, photoshop it a bit just to be the cream of the crowd. I too was shocked by the change of my attitude towards this whole event. Though I refused to be draped in a kanjeevaram saree and pose before the fake poster garden in a studio with my right hand resting awkwardly on a plastic pillar, I did allow them to upload a few photos of mine on the site. The first week of being on the matrimonial site was exciting since this was a whole new chapter and a new twist to my young life. This is when you should appreciate the technological advancement or even the existence of this thing called software. The site with its drop down lists shortlists the candidates according to your preference regarding religion, caste, height, weight, bank balance, food habits, drinking and smoking habits etc, and voila you have an endless list of probable grooms.
But this excitement was short lived for the good looking men never send you proposals. After getting proposals from 12 divorcees, 10 uncles and 28 men who look like rapists, I have lost my faith on the Indian marriage system. Being on a matrimonial site is a huge mistake for you will always be bombarded with horrendous proposals. My father lost 1500 bucks to get my profile highlighted on the site so that this gem is not overlooked by the possible buyers and I on the other hand have nightmares about random men stopping me on the city streets and screaming my Matrimonial ID out instead of my name. Anyone on the matrimonial site is an established LOSER.
I NOW CURSE THE DAY I WAS BORN!!!!!!!
P.S- You shall from now on be tortured with regular posts. Life is like a bag of potato chips and I haven’t figured out why. Sometimes you just feel like suing God!
P.P.S- Some of you mailed me while I was away. You guys are way too generous with your kind words!!
P.P.P.S- I know this post isn’t my best. I am recovering from my deep virtual slumber. So MERCY!!