DEAR DADDY SERIOUS

Nobody is more serious than a young girl’s father. A little girl has the ability to transform a free-bird of a boy into an extremely serious and careful man. My father is as serious as serious can be. 

Recession never hits an Indian father who is busy hoarding money for his daughter’s future wedding. If I were to tell you a round about figure, I have so much gold right now decked up for my wedding that I can even afford a sex change surgery. Ok, bad example.

Around five minutes back I got a call from my father. A certain guy from Australia saw my matrimonial profile in one of the gazillion match-fixing sites I am enlisted in and was desperately interested. With equal desperation he wanted to have our Kundlis matched. Never knew that “May I have your number please” has been replaced by “May I have your Kundli please”. My father sadly told me how his family rejected me because of the Jupiter that is sitting on my eighth house and a certain Mr.Shani who was playing hide and seek inside my Horoscope. He cracked the news of the rejection expecting a painful cry from my side, while I was lost in the feat of trying to figure out how Jupiter can be in my eighth house when I still live with my parents. I cannot even afford to live on rent, forget being able to afford eight houses.

But it is not always I that gets rejected. My father loves rejecting and selecting men according to their educational qualification, salary range, ancestral origin, current living city, height, weight, girth etc. It is exactly like the time when he was researching to buy his second car. 1200 cc engine only, Honda brand, Moon silver colour, power steering, petrol only, air bag and many such specifications. The only difference was that now he was trying to buy a son-in-law with in-built specifications that matched his taste. The process of rejecting and getting rejected is a never ending process.

I do not understand this seriousness behind this whole ‘get your daughter married before she hits quarter century’ thing. Gone are those days when people of the two opposite genders could converse with each other only through incoherent tensed mewls. I for sure am a very demanding person and I make sure my demands are met. Every girl is worth that. Ok for the sake of equality, men are worth it too.

My father is the best person on earth and I am the type of girl who replies to every girl who say’s “My Daddy Strongest” by “Sorry but I heard he lost the trophy to my dad”. But I must accept that this whole marriage fiasco has been seriously draining the life out of him.

So Dear Dad, it is time you took a deep breath and let things take their own course.  You raised me well, taught me to never go for something lesser than perfect and to always put across my opinions if I strongly believed in them. So here is my opinion. CHILL. Know that these rejections do not matter. I can find my own pet. Know that this gold hoarding will not do me any good. If anything, take a trip with Mom to Peru. I know you always wanted to go there. Know that watching the calendar dates pass by and marking my age will only make you grey faster. I did notice that your monthly visit to the local barber to get your hair dyed has doubled.

Know that you can still be that free bird you were before I was born. Know all this, because behind that seriously serious man, is a boy who used to do stand up comedy back in college.

This post is written for Indiblogger Cadbury Five Star contest - Condition Serious Hai.

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YOUR HONOUR, CONDITION SERIOUS HAI !!!

The number of times I have slept off in an open courtroom is not something I can openly disclose. Especially considering the fact that it was just 3 months back that I was christened a lawyer, it is impressive how I have not yet been ousted for contempt of court.

Every day, I wriggle into my coat, tie the inverted ‘peace’ signed plastic collar around my neck, wear my lawyer’s gown and make my way to the courthouse. I then move into the room where my client’s case would be heard, and the fact that my client is missing in action, amuses me. I sit on the last bench of the court room with dozens of lawyers, nonchalantly going through their case papers, teaching their clients what to speak on oath like a parent preparing a kid for a school entrance interview. I am transported to the land of black and white cinema, with white shirt inside black gowns floating around, the white painted walls and the wooden floors darkened by the shadows of the lawyer robes, forlorn faces, destitute faces, but minus the Bollywood background song to break this monotony. I fall asleep.

The hammer becomes my alarm bell and I am forced to stand up as the Judge enters, which by the way gives me a moment to stretch my way out of slumber. This is when you notice how we are greatly influenced by the Chinese courtesy, as all the lawyers young, old and antique bend forward to look at their boots as a mark of respect to the judge. The judge ignores us all without a smile, sits down and the court session begins.

My case is called and I startle back to reality. I just came here to adjourn a case which my senior said is a piece of cake. I bow, call the judge various names (in honour that is), sneer and successfully get the adjournment. I turn back to the lawyer’s desk placed right behind me to sign on a document before submitting it to the court.

Suddenly the entire court room goes “HAWWWWW!!!” but I continue to sign the document enjoying the symphony in their tone. That is when another lawyer half my height and twice my weight nudges me and introduces to me the eleventh commandment.

 ‘Thou shalt never show thy ass to the Judge’.

I stood straight and in a manner that only a contortionist can, signed the document and walked away mutely as the entire court looked at the ‘SINNER’ me.

Why cannot I show my ass to the judge? Especially when it has layers of cloth covering it and a Dracula gown hiding the curve like a curtain. Why take an ass so seriously? I was just signing a document not giving a strip show.  In Logon ki Condition Serious Hai!

How I want to Look Like

How I Look Like

I wonder what this court house will look like with a little bit of color or a Saturday ‘WEAR-WHATEVER-YOU-WANT-MAN’ day. It is not like I murdered somebody, my client did (NOT). So why cannot I go to court in pink and purple and let him mourn in black and white.  I wonder how it would feel if I could show my ass to the judge while signing the document and not have to walk away from the podium like a rejected devotee leaving the temple or like a video on rewind. I wonder how breezy it would be to walk around the court in simple suits like in the west, than have to drag myself wearing a black                                                       ‘SAUNA’

Never knew that Justice can only be rendered wearing black and white. Maybe it is because lies can only be told in black or white. I wonder all this as I doze off awaiting my next case hearing.

Lawyers ki Condition Serious hai. Cadbury 5 Star, inject us all!!

          This post is written for Indiblogger Cadbury Five Star contest - Condition Serious Hai.

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THE RED HANDED "KYA CHEEZ HAI" GIVEAWAY !!!!!

If you have been a constant reader of this humble blog and have visited this place for 3 years from its inception, you would know how I have never been a part of any blogging tags, book reviews, birthday celebrations, award tags and giveaways. In short, this place has lifted my spirits and eaten my thoughts, all for no appreciation in return. Today, as it marks its 3^rd birthday, I think I am up for a change.

You guys have been too good to me. It is quite weird to be reading someone anonymous, who has no face to identify with. For all you know, I could be a fat naked guy who likes to dress up like a girl and spend his time blogging like a bamboozled Indian girl. But you still read me and for that, I have never thanked you.

Meet KYA CHEEZ HAI, a brand that believes that even the most mundane products must tell a story. Being inspired by the famous dialogue “Mucche ho to Nathulal Jaisi ho warna na ho!” and understanding how much the Indians love their mucchas and chottees, this brand has given rise to characters with Mucchas that give even Mr.Nathulal a run for his money. KYA CHEEZ HAI is the only brand that tells a story through its products which range from USB’s, Paper Clips, Hangers, Over the door hooks, Coasters, Large and small bookmarks, Cable twisters, Bendable magnets, Magnetic Clips, Cushions and Hair brushes. How can such useful yet boring products tell a story, you ask? I tell you how.

Meet Mr. Parameshwaram Pillai a.k.a Pappy. He is a favourite babu among all the sarkari babus and is supremely famous for his snoring melodies in and around his office. He loves to feast on aloo parathas and Makhani dal which his great friend cum colleague Mr.Lovely Singh brings to office. Pappy is in-charge of a secret file, the file of secret recipes. Dakoo Dholakia has a serious eye on the secret file!!

Mr. Lovely Singh is the trendiest and the most colourful of all with his bright turbans. He adds color to the black n white sarkari office. He loves to break into “balle balle” every time he hears any word similar to it! Such a jolly fellow our Lovely is, though blissfully unaware of all the action around the secret file! He simply thinks that Pappy is hiding yummy idli dabba from him.

This Dakoo Dholakia was originally born as Jignesh and has an unending love for Dhoklas, Fafdas, Muthias and Theplas. He is on a quest to steal all the best recipes from the land of Gujarat and now the quest has lead him to the valley of Chambal. The fierce Dakoo is on a run from Daroga Saab and is stalking our poor Pappy for the secret file. While on the stalking job, he often bumps into Lovely Singh and is now great friends with him. Unknown to Pappy, Dakoo Dholakia is inching closer to him each day, week and month!

Lastly, meet Daroga Saab who is tall, strapping and a complete dude. He is on Dakoo Dholakia’s trail ever since he escaped from the land of Gujarat and came to terrorize the valley of Chambal. Our Daroga Saab is a gallantry award winner and is one of the few “non corrupt” in our services. We salute Daroga Saab!!

This story is not my invention but just like the brand, it is the brainchild of the amazing Uzma Ahmedi. A mother of an 8mth old, it is super-womanic that she runs the business single-handedly (yes I made that word up). Apart from the already mentioned epic characters, there are many more story tellers like Swargpur’s Hero No.1 Bulbul Pandey, his hot love Switty, Mr.Ranjit Kumar (RK) who is a self proclaimed Ranbir Kapoor, his ever blushing wife Banno Dhanno, their house maid Dhinka Chikamma, the horrific Firki Devii who loaths people that misread Devii as Devil and many more eccentric characters!

So, why am I writing about their brand here? Well, you know the answer. GIVEAWAY!! FREE STUFF!!!

But since I am not Bill Gates, only two gifts are up for giveaway. I am mightily sorry!!

GIFT 1- A Lovely Singh 4 GB USB (Pink)- Now carry your music, movie, documentaries, x-rated stuff, pictures, secret files, bhajans and keertans in this quirky USB that can never be lost. Put it around your wrist, bag handles, ankle and even ponytail. Such an Atoot Bandhan!

                        

GIFT 2-   a) A Parameshwaram Pillai a.k.a Pappy bag to carry your own secret files.

                      b) A pair of bookmarks starring Dakoo Dholakia and Daroga Sahab.

But be mindful! Dakoo Dholakia is behind Pappy’s secret file. So report to Daroga Sahab every time Dakoo inches closer to our Pappy!!

Now offcourse since only two of you can win this, there are few easy breezy things you got to do to win it-

1) You should be a reader who subscribes to this blog. Duh!

2) Like this blog’s Facebook Page. Please?

3) Like Kya Cheez Hai ‘s Facebook Page. They deserve it!

4) Leave a comment as to why you need these characters or products around you. Easy!!

Enter the Giveaway through the Rafflecopter Widget Below!!!!

Post giveaway condition-

The two winners must use their social media fame for good by posting a picture of the product received on facebook/twitter / blog, tagging me and Kya Cheez Hai  to the same. This ensures that you received the product and you are also thereby helping in popularizing a cute brand. I think you wouldn’t mind doing that.

That is it, the 2 best comments get this and the one with the best comment gets to choose which of these two gifts he/she wants.

I realize that the pink USB and the bag are not for men. I meant it to be that way and the credit goes to Rahul Baba. He craves woman empowerment and I shall do my bit! This doesn’t stop a man from participating. You can always gift these stuffs to your lady love/sister/best friend/mistress.

The give-away is open INTERNATIONALLY till 28^th February midnight!!!!!

a Rafflecopter giveaway P.S- Their products being a homogenous mixture of fun, utility and economical, I just had to buy a few products for you. Yes, I bought them with my money because free gifts make no sense to me. This is a thank you gift, remember? Offcourse Uzma gave me a generous discount. Check out all the KYA CHEEZ HAI products on their site or through their facebook page. Seriously KYA CHEEZ HAI!!!

P.P.S- Happy Birthday dear Blog!

FACEBOOK, THE HAPPY WORLD....

Facebook is a happy world. While my friend Nidhi is having the time of her life with her friend Switty, my college mate Neelu is checking in at Café Coffee Day with “Yay! Girls Night Out” as the status. I click Like.

 

I move on to my cousin who has uploaded a photo of herself almost canoedeling with the ‘love of her lyf’ in a place that looks like Leh, thanks to the Yak that is innocently gawking at them in the background. Her tagline says “Thank you my Sonu for making my life so perfect. I LOV U” with picture courtesy given to some dejected soul. I click Like and comment “This is so perfect Sister! I am so happy for you.”  With a straight face and no emotion, I move on to the next.

Hey, look at this! My ex has updated his status “Bought my first Merc, a black beauty. Can’t wait to take my gorgeous wife for a ride in it.”  I wince, walk over to the fridge and take out a tub of Baskin-Robbins ice cream. I then return to the bed, gag myself with it as I move the cursor to update my facebook status.

“Awesome Saturday. Crazy!”

I shut down my laptop and sleep. The ice cream drips on my laptop.

I was unemployed for a whole one year after college. I did not sit for placements, reasons still unknown to me. All the law firms I applied to personally wanted those with experience. Here I was a National Law School graduate, unemployed. I was lost when my father declared that he sees a future Judge in me and I saw the prospect of preparing for Judicial service as the last straw to clutch on while drowning. I hated preparing for it, kept looking for jobs, got a few jobs, rejected them, got rejected and hated myself. But every time a distant relative asked my parents what I was doing with my life, they replied “Our daughter studied in the National Law University but did not sit for placements because she always wanted to give Judicial service a shot. She is now preparing for it.” The listener looked at me and said “Shabash beta…”, making a donkey feel like an intelligent dolphin, all the time cringing in the inside about the subtle reality. But he doesn’t need to know about all that. Does he? He goes home and tells his son how intelligent and competitive Mr. Anil’s daughter is.

Everyone on your facebook list is like that distant relative you told the selective truth to. You deleted the sour part and served him the dessert. He fell for it and got upset at the inefficiency of his child. Facebook is that last course of a buffet and everyone is served desserts. No one can be undisputedly and continuously happy. Fairytales are just enormously exaggerated reality.

Tina just uploaded a picture of her hand with a big chunky diamond ring and a tagline that says ‘On top of the world. Engaged to Mr. SO & SO’. She hides the scared heart that is trying to bury the rejections of the past, the lies that she have told him about her history and the future that is yet to unwrap itself.

You and I, get jealous of her. Self loathing mode initiated.

So, the next time someone shouts out their achievement on facebook or forces you gawk at the picture of them vacationing in Macau, be happy for them and move on realizing that behind all that celebratory hullabaloo and boastful jigs lies a reality as realistic, plain and challenging as yours and mine.

And with that I move on to update my status… “Made my first appearance as a lawyer in court. Feeling like Alan Shore.”

No one has to know about me calling the Male judge “Madam” and making a complete fool of myself.  Do they?

I guess Not.

P.S- The previous post was deleted because I felt disgusted by it.

P.P.S- Thank you for being a reader and a friend. I have something small planned up for you and me this 16^th. :)