EXERCISE ROUTINE FOR THE SOUL

A recent study conducted by the students of the University of Bullford has shown that 84% of the entire population of the world is suffering from obesity of the soul. The research which was conducted under the able guidance of Dr. Hymen has been under the wraps for a few years as the statistic was so unbelievable that a double check was called for. The World Health Organisation is perturbed and is taking strong actions to control the increasing obesity of the soul.  

Finally on the 1^st September 2013 the Act ‘The World Slim Soul Act, 2013’ was enforced by the United Nations under the seal of Mr. Tea Annan. Commencement being on the same date as the enactment, it was made compulsory for the Nations of the world coming under the UN Charter to act on it immediately.

   

These are the recommendations made by the ‘The World Slim Soul Act, 2013’ to achieve a fit soul-

ARTICLE 1-Cardio- Running is extremely harmful for the soul. Every living individual belonging to the Nations coming under the UN charter, is hereby bound to stop running away from life for a minimum of 1 hour daily, which would in turn burn the calories of the soul. Thus making it practical and more purposeful.

ARTICLE 2- Weight Training- To tone and shape the soul, every individual is bound to lift their thoughts daily. Lifting ones thoughts is an excellent way to tone up a narrow minded soul. Another substitute for shaping the soul is lifting the mood of someone. Lifting the mood of a friend has shown to have a positive impact on the soul of both the lifter and the friend.

ARTICLE 3- Cycling- A person is hereby required to quit spin biking towards the purpose of their life. Spin biking is synonymous to procrastination. Hence an individual is ordered to choose a more productive option like Cycling towards the goal of your life. Cycling being synonymous to hard work.

ARTICLE 4- Abs- Six pack soul abs are mandatory for every individual and any person without a six pack soul abs is liable to being penalised. Laughter is the perfect exercise for the abs and is proved to make a drastic change on the lower abs. Laughter is thus a pre requisite for a flat soul stomach.

ARTICLE 5- Start the day with a hot cup of Positivity- Immediately after the commencement of this act, every person shall begin his/her day with a freshly brewed cup of positivity. Positivity contains antioxidants which are scientifically proven to increase the metabolism and hence make the person feel lively all day long.

ARTICLE 6- Massage the soul with good talks- Every person is hereby prohibited from attaching themselves to people who have nothing good to talk about. The individual has the liberty to chalk out an hour or more daily to massage their soul with good talks thus combating the dryness and dullness of the soul.

ARTICLE 7- Anti- Judgment Pills- Judgements are the farts of the soul. Seeing the sharp increase in the number of farts being let out by a single soul, every individual is thus required to have an anti- judgment pill to combat this soul fart.

ARTICLE 8- Diet- It is recommended that every citizen goes on a balanced diet. Ego contains cholesterol and having too much of it is proven to clog the arteries of the heart. Fish is an excellent source of Iodine and Calcium but consuming a particular type of fish called the SELFISH is hereby prohibited. Selfish contains too much calories and makes the soul fat and socially unacceptable. Indulging in too much Bitching wings has shown to have an appalling impact on the SMI i.e the Soul Max Index. Also studies have shown that as much tasty greediness is, it’s nasty.

ARTICLE 9- Healthy Shakes- Indulgence in healthy shakes in recommended for the proper cleansing of the soul. A quick mix of Honesty, kindness and real smiles provides one with a healthy shake that is a natural cleanser of all the toxic the soul has been eating prior to this lifestyle change.

ARTICLE 10- Proper Sleep- Research has shown that acceptance could be a cure for insomnia. A person is thus advised to accept themselves for who they are and combat insecurity to achieve a sound sleep at the end of the day. Lack of proper sleep makes the soul lethargic and consequently makes it obese.

ARTICLE 11- Shit- The last recommendation under this Act is to poop. A person is required to poop out the miserable people, the fake pretences and the unwanted anger first thing in the morning. This makes the soul feel light and less constipated. Pooping regularly also provides the soul with a clear skin with lesser pimples medically termed as ‘REGRETS’.

                          

India being a member of the United Nations and having signed the charter is required to follow the recommendations and make it effective forthwith. Let us starting today strive towards giving our soul that much required Size Hero and who knows maybe the world would be a dream to live on and the society would be less of a crazy breed. 

P.S- WHAT IS UP YOU GUYS???!!! This Judicial Service preparation is killing me and hence no update for long!!! November 17th is the decision day!! DO PRAY. I might end up being the coolest judge ever! 

P.P.S- A certain mail I received yesterday is the reason why my procrastination ended and I wrote a post. Feels good to be missed you know!! Thanks girl!

LET'S TALK, SHALL WE?

Let us talk about your itchy scalp. Or how about I help you recover from the tan you got from the Bahamas? Let’s not forget to get your teeth one shade whiter for your date this Saturday. Oh! And for that date, you do require pearly white armpits and salon styled hair. 

  

Oh Boys! Let me help you set your hair wet. How about finding the perfect blade to shave off that stubble? Let us not forget to marinate in that very very sexy deo. Or would your good Old spicy aftershave be enough to do the charm?

   

My poor poor middle aged women! I will help you lather up those dishes and yet help you keep your hands soft as a babies bum. And since we are talking about bums, let me Whisper into your ears the name of the nappy that literally hugs your baby’s tushie. By the way, we have got to find the perfect toothbrush for your family that almost all the doctors recommend. Don’t you want to kill 99.99% of the germs on your toilet seat? How about giving your little one a healthy drink that makes him taller, stronger, sharper and becomes the secret behind his energy? What about your husband? Don’t you want to cook for him in an oil that is healthy for his heart? Also, I do believe that stains are good, but let me help you remove it, Shall I?

  

Husbands, I can help you sell your Old car, just because your wife thinks it is smaller than the neighbours. Or would our Uber Pure car fresheners make her change her mind? May be it is not about the Car. How about I help you choose the perfect flavour for your Kamasutra tonight?

   

It’s funny how the Media looks at us as vulnerable souls. People with flaws so persistent, that our entire life revolves around it and this life would have been better, if only we had used this particular brush with better bristles or this cream that could turn even a Grizzly bear into a Polar. Ultimately, it shows us that we would have been living in Utopia, had we been using their product. We gladly allow this sun tan, dusky skin, hair fall and yellow teeth be a hazardous problem instead of the parasitic society that we live in. We have products that could mend our looks but we lack choices to mend our lives. We have a variety of banks to deposit money in and mutual funds to invest on, but we lack a Government that ensures that everyone has a job to make that money that can be deposited or invested. We have the freedom to choose the perfect Jewellery brand to buy our wedding ring from, but not the person on whose finger we would like to slip it on. We have online shopping portals to buy the sexiest looking dresses from, but a community that rapes us with their eyes. The Media was right, we truly are vulnerable.

To be frank, commercials are like dreams. A life you would want to live or a choice you would like to have or a beauty you would like to achieve. A happiness that you are looking for is right there in front of you, but only at the end of the remote. Not that you are unhappy with what you are. It’s just the possibility of having a choice that could make a better looking and a better accepted you.

But it’s sad how none of us realize that this acceptance can only come from within and that while beauty is only skin deep, our real problems can go way deeper. And just so you know, a change of soap cannot make your life awesome.

P.S- I just got back from the God's own Country. Played the real Temple Run there and met someone I was looking forward to! Happy!! 

P.P.S- I would be blog hopping soon. Sorry if I did not visit yours. I will soon!
P.P.P.S- Isn't anyone out here on twitter? Follow me 

THE EYEBROWLESS EXISTENCE

I want to tell you guys something. I do not like people with good eyebrows. It hurts me and pinches me in the gut when I see perfectly shaped, bushy yet trimmed to perfection eyebrows resting like an open umbrella above the eye sockets of other people, with no inclination to a specific gender. While God gave me ample frizzy hair on my head and unwanted hair everywhere else resulting in monthly painful waxing sessions, he cleverly forgot to give me a decent pair of eyebrows. Or should I blame it on my mother? Actually I will. I will never forgive my mother.

  

I have eyebrows like Spock’s. If you don’t know who Spock is, prepare to die you Infidel!! Like I said, the blame rests on my mother for she, being a huge Star Trek fan, spent most of her pregnancy time watching back to back series of Star Trek and imagining herself as Mister Spock himself. Little did she know that her minor imaginative escapades would result in her baby being born with eyebrows that look like missiles resting in their launchers, waiting to be fired. I will never forgive her for this.

Throughout my school life my mother used to cleverly draw my eyebrows to perfection using Kohl Pencil, so that I wasn’t bullied by the kids in school for being a freak who looked surprised all the time.  During the rainy days, I always came back home with melting eyebrows and a smudged black face. Then came College and the concept of threading the eyebrows. A few strands removed here, a few strands removed there and a bit of makeup and voila, I looked normal again. But I will never forgive my mother.

 

YAKKU THE CULPRIT!!

My mother used to also love Yakku from the Hindi serial called Chandrakanta. Hell! Don’t ask me who Yakku was. I will kill you again you infidel!! She liked him so much that she decided to remove the ‘Y’ and name her Spock eyebrowed baby as ‘AKKU’. Mind you, Yakku was also famous for his thick bushy eyebrows. I guess my mother had a thing for weird eyebrows and I suffered the consequences. AKKU THE SPOCK CHILD! I will never forgive my mother.

But my father tells me to count my blessings and he is absolutely right. Thank God, my mother did not imagine herself to be Chewbacca from Star Wars. Don’t ask me who Chewbacca is, I will kill you yet one more time you infidel!!!  So now that I am not a hairy dog, I think I will forgive my mother. 

COZ AKKU IS LUCKY YO!!

 P.S- Akku has joined twitter. You can get your regular dose of her craziness HERE. She is getting bored talking to the wall.

EXCUSE ME, IS MY UMWELT SHOWING?

I remember my father once telling me “To understand the actions of others, look at the world through their eyes”. A clueless biologist shouted ‘UMWELT’ and there my vocabulary found a new word for the philosophy my father had tried to inject in me. Though it sounded poetic and incoherent at first, I did spend a fair stint of my childhood trying to comprehend as to why the world and its people acted in such mysterious ways.

Why does our Prime Minister never speak? Strong proof to the contrary has made us strike out the possibility that he is mute since birth. But Instead of throwing verbal stones at his self imposed handicap, let us seal our mouth with duct tape and look at the world through his beady eyes. Maybe he is exercising his Miranda Rights. Maybe for him the world is one messed up court room where everything he says would be taken against him, with Soniaji being his most trusted advocate. Who knows he might be suffering from Selective Muteness, much like our own Raj from the epic ‘Big Bang Theory’

Another tortured creature is S.Sreesanth and I still do not quite understand why we are so angry at him. MCOCA danced on the hard work of the Delhi Police and he is now out on  bail. But let us for now imagine Sree did what we assume he did. I am sure none of his match fixing gimmick would have actually contributed towards the outcome of the game. My heart weeps for him for he was not only pitiable in his bowling, but also lacked the intellect required to do spot fixing ingeniously. If only we could channel all the hatred that we hold against him to actually look at the whole issue through his innocent perspective. Picture him sitting alone in his locker room, counting the number of religious chains on his neck and wondering as to what went wrong in the field. Why and how did his fellow cricketers bag endorsement contracts for big brands while the few products he got to endorse was a South Indian Ayurvedic joint pain massager, or being a sidekick to Riya Sen in a jewellery ad, a split second of an appearance in the Kingfisher Campaign and a few other failed endorsements? Even his restaurant chain ‘The Bat & Ball Inn’ tasted dirt.  Much to his dismay, women too kept away from his attitude and the world was just too hard on him. Spot fixing might have been his secret getaway.

Kapil Sibbal chose the wrong career for the job of a movie or food critic suits him better. Through his eyes, the world looks like a giant deformed potato and everything associated to it is highly improper, thus requiring his constant criticism and brilliant modifications. The critic in him had to play with the education system and felt a massive need to improve the 12^th standard score of the kids by allowing only the top 20% cream students to be eligible to write the prestigious IIT exams. When they had enough of him, they made him the law minister, much to the horror of the judiciary. Who knows he might promote the passing of a new act called the ‘Social Networking Inspection Act (SONIA)’. It’s not his fault, it’s his ‘UMWELT’.

We live in India, but each one of us looks at India through a radically different perspective. For a socialist, India is a huge party with gossips flowing from all four corners, while for a Politician, India is nothing but a game of chess where he has to either kill or be killed. For the ruling party, India is Utopia where everything is perfect and progress is a daily thing, while for the opposition, it is a paradise gone wrong where every living soul is denied his rights. For Pakistan, Kashmir is a treasure island, while for India, Kashmir is nothing but a bet it cannot afford to lose. Through all of this are the soldiers of both the countries sacrificing their lives for a cause unclear to them and the Kashmiris suffocated by the malice that has found its place in their divine land.

This makes me highly jealous of the animals, for they are all loyal to their species and look at the world through one shared perspective. The Gods must have been crazy indeed to have given us a luxurious personal bubble world i.e our umwelt, consisting of our individual dogmas, spiritual beliefs and values, while he cleverly forgot to give us a bit of humility to understand the varied tenets of others sharing the space with us. While the world is busy launching satellites to understand the possibility of life beyond our galaxy or trying to decipher the language of the dolphins with the help of fancy toys; the nations are busy throwing missiles at each other due to non compliance of agreements, and the leaders of different religions are busy warning the homosexuals about the little place that is reserved in hell just for them. If only we had the nerve to step out of our way of thinking and look through the perspective of those we claim are at fault.

Because there is nothing more tragicomic than trying to speak to the dolphins when you are unable to understand those who belong to your own genus.

P.S- This is an article I submitted for an Epic contest organized by 1 Hundred Works . I  beg want you all to show your generosity by liking and commenting on the link given below. I do require them !!!! If you do so, you are awesome. If you don't, my black magic awaits you!  

P.P.S- CLICK HERE FOR THE CONTEST LINK.

Coming out of the Closet.....

I just couldn’t take it anymore. The pressure of the studies, the presence of too much spice in life and the suffocation of being trapped at home right after a superb college life is unnerving in itself. To put a ribbon on all this frustration are my parents waiting for a nod from my side to get me a groom.  At one point I was so frustrated that I allowed them to do whatever they want, which in turn awarded me a paid profile in the Kerala Matrimony site. In a 3 mth membership in that horrendous site, I was bombarded with 72 proposals with half of it from divorcees, or as one called himself ‘a young innocent divorcee’. The rest remaining consisted of 45+ aged uncles and those of my age had moustaches which were either twisted upwards in a way that defied gravity or were long enough to be braided. Imagine a wife braiding the macho muccha of her hubby on their first night. Romantic? Ugh!

So ones the 3 mths paid membership was over, I set my foot down and said ‘ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!’. I have a life after all, if not an epic one. I told my mother to pass on the message to my Iron man father, that his daughter wants no discussion on marriage till she bags the job she is studying for and has made enough bucks to demand a massive dowry from the boy. They were defensive at first but after looking at the success rate I got from the matrimonial site, they agreed to slow down a bit.

And the ‘slow down’ period remained in force for 6 mths after which my 23^rd birthday was celebrated. The alarm on my mother’s head was triggered by some treacherous relatives, according to whom, a girl starts losing her freshness after a certain age and before that she has to be married off to a man with money, like religion, like caste and if possible a good character. I was a now a fruit decaying slowly and I needed a considerate buyer. FUCK THEM ALL!

I am a 23 yr old gorgeous woman! For me I am gorgeous, to hell with everyone who thinks otherwise. Actually, no one is supposed to think otherwise. I have a life to live, make money enough to be able to buy some Gucci shoes and I want to write a disastrous book that still makes it to the best seller list! 

But, a few days back my mother asked me to give her a nice photo of mine which could be pasted on the matrimonial site once it’s renewed yet again. What atrocity is this!!!! I just couldn’t go through the whole ‘HELLO I AM A YOUNG INNOCENT DIVORCEE. PLEASE MERRY ME’ stage.

So, I asked my mother to sit down and look me in my eyes. I held her gently and told her ‘Amma, this might come as a shock to you but I am not sure whether I like boys. I think I am into girls. I am a lesbian’.

EVEN THAT DINT WORK!!! GODDAMMIT!!!!!

P.S- I am straight as a scale. And No I can never imagine myself with a girl. Ughhh!! Not that I am against homosexuality. Hell I even had a lesbian friend once. Yes once. 

P.P.S- I guess this qualifies to be a rant.