The Great Indian Pooping!!!

India will always be a developing country. The civility of our countrymen will force it to remain that way. We just cannot let go of our animal like tendencies and make way to something less grotesque. 

So I understand that we derived the idea of shitting and peeing anywhere and everywhere from our ancestors the Chimpanzees or conceptually the early Man. But while the rest of the world evolved into people with stance and etiquette, we stuck like glue to our age old barbaric living. We continued blessing the land with our faeces and piddle undisturbed, in every land or nook left unattended and unused. Our citizens, be it man or woman, do not believe in false modesty by shying away from the concept of pooping together while the rest of the world passes them unperturbed.

I have spent 14 yrs of my life seeing the buttocks of a considerate number of slum dwellers as the bus dropped me to school every morning and if in case I got too busy to notice the defecating ceremony, I could still catch a glimpse or two through the windows of my classroom. All this became possible due to the large ground facing the slums and located right in front of my school, which the thoughtful government kept free for conducting small sports activities. Every morning, the slum dwellers, irrespective of their gender, age or butt cheek size, march towards the ground with a mug of water, unload the previous days load and frolic back with a smile of satisfaction on their face. On the same ground every year in the month of October, thousands of people including me stand to joyfully celebrate the bursting away of Ravana. To prep up of the land for the Dussehra celebrations, the munificent municipal corporation comes with truckload of sand to carpet the land fully pasted with human poop. The land becomes a fresh open toilet for the slum dwellers from the next day onwards. 

Soon the less barbaric lot of the city, wrote and pestered the local government to build public toilets on that land for the satisfaction of both the excreting slum dweller and the forced to watch plebeians. Hence, a line of toilets were built upon the area which was poop coated every day. But they say it right, ‘you can’t teach an old dog new tricks’. While some the residents started using the newly built toilets, majority continued to practice their age old tradition by sitting right outside the toilet and defecating, sometimes accompanied by domestic animals. The dog and the master pooped together and that my friend is the equality we were unceasingly searching for. 

The human mind is hard to decipher and the act of those who had a toilet to use but were persistent on passing stool on an open land, is still being researched upon. Even a notice was pasted on the walls of the toilet that not even a penny is charged for using the toilet, made brick by brick only for the slum dwellers.

The reason for ignoring the amenities could be many. May be it is the joy of a taking a dump in the company of your family and friends. Maybe it’s their preferred way to discuss the current affairs of the world. Maybe it’s their chance of meeting new people. Maybe it’s the view. Like I said, the human mind is hard to decipher.

Image Courtesy- stockpicturesforeveryone.com

Funeral Drama

Real life drama is true entertainment and sometimes it’s better than those trashy soaps that the idiot box injects you with. I will tell you something and I tell you this with the experiences that have come my way. Funeral is the best place these days to find the real life drama. Yes my reading idiots yes! Funeral it is.

Don’t believe me? Roll a JCB over your “I DON’T ATTEND FUNERALS” phobia and find time to attend one and you would rightfully agree.

Scene 1- Grief is in the air. The large courtyard is the venue for the disastrous occasion. Interestingly the family has found time to import orchids and white tulips to accessorize the venue. The casket protects the body of a wrinkled old man who seems disinterested in what’s happening around. Eyes closed and forced into a crisp black suit, hands folded clutching a cross. He just lies there and that’s his role. They made sure that his casket is made of rosewood. Status is important, though the man who left for his heavenly (subject to change) abode was despised dearly. The service is to start in five minutes.

Scene 2- The eldest daughter is not happy with the black boat necked black dress she got herself for the occasion. The younger son is perturbed with the fact that it’s the other son who gets to do the eulogy. The wife of the man in the leading role (the casket man) sits still. She hated him while he was alive but now realizes that when he left her with some peace, he made her a widow.

Scene 3- Neighbors, well-wishers, haters, envious but now relieved rivals, sly relatives pour in and take the seats. The ladies glance across the rows comparing the hats, the gowns, the lip colors. The men remain still while their mind acts like the judge deciding who would be the getting the biggest chunk of the dead old man's property.

Scene 4- The priest starts the service and reads out phrases from the Holy book. It is then followed by the most awaited EULOGY. The elder son makes his way gallantly towards the stage and clears his throat. His baritone echoes throughout the courtyard. Words like ‘Lord loved him more’, ‘he is still among us’, ‘he was a great father’ are part of the eulogy. His wife gives him THE LOOK and he knows that something is missing. His stern expression changes into an emotional heart breaking tear pouring one. His part is done and so he steps down. The choir in designer gowns starts singing ‘JESUS IS CALLING’, when a phone starts ringing barbarically. Jesus is truly calling I guess.

Scene 5- The service is over and the gathering turns noisy. The elder crowd discusses the property division. The women still cling on to the makeup stories. The husbands talk about business ventures. The widow sits near the casket reliving the past. She would miss him though he was not a good husband. Now she is dependent on the mercy of her three children. The priest is not happy with the gift he received for the service he rendered. More green notes are needed. The three children discuss about the funeral expense and finally decide that their mother the widow should also hand over her share.After all it was her husband too.

Scene 6- Fast forward. The service is over; the body rests deep in the soil. Happy that it is not a part of this masked world. Hell might be more genuine. A big black and white expensively framed photo of him is nailed to the front room wall. His story ends there.

P.S- This is not the story of every funeral. True emotions are a part of many but with the passage of time, relationships are just becoming word of mouth. Reality is turning bitter day by day.

Image courtesy- cartoonstock.com