DONT CALL ME AUNTY !!!

 Before you read further, I want you to know what I was wearing at the scene of the happening. I was in Delhi with two of my other friends for the purpose of internship. Since it was blistering cold we were dressed up in-

ME  -  Track pants + Top + Half Sweater + Full Sweater +Shawl (covering my head and half my face)

Friend 1- Jeans + Top + Full Sweater

Friend 2- Shorts + Sleeveless Top (and gulping down Chocobar)

After dinner we decided to go sit in the Small Park opposite to our place and gossip about the people who filled up that day. We found a very suitable seat, rested our posteriors in the most relaxing manner and started the bitching of the day. A Fat, Fair, Dumb looking boy came and sat on the seat nearby and started staring at Friend 2 (The Iron Woman). We ignored him and were busy discussing the anatomy of the handsome dude internee in our office, when the Fat pig from the adjacent seat started to make hissing noises. We looked at him and he in return started talking, which uprooted Mother English from her roots. 

“Helu Helu. Sleeveless tap naice naice. Came here now now? Come Came na”

Friend 2 (a pakka Malayalee and a murderer of Hindi) went to him for reasons alien to me and promoted the conversation. 

Fat Pig-   New Here? Where lives you everyone?

Friend 2- Nearby. Ok I need to go now, my friends are waiting.

Fat Pig-   Sit near here. My seat. You me close here. Sit na sweety.

Since I have a Radar as my ears, I heard what the pig said to her and also deciphered his English to understand what he meant by the last line he uttered. I got up and shouted “Mind your fucking business!! You girl get back here now. You Mister, stay away. Understood? Just stay away.”  

The next statement that the fat pig made left me shattered and embarrassed the way I never was.

“Tell Aunty your Mummy shh shhh. Silent. shh shh. What Mummy!!” 

I was so devastated that I got up Rajnikant Style, threw the fucking shawl onto the seat and started shouting.

Me- Shutup Bastard. Get out from here you pervert! This park is for decent people, not for jackasses like you.

Fat Pig- This not your park.My park.Everyone Park.

Me- It is my park and my name is carved on the bark of every goddamn tree. Now get out from here you sloth. I will call people otherwise. Run away!

The man left but the feeling of being called an Aunty for the first time in my life killed me. My friends were busy laughing and even made this Happening spread like fire in my college and among my contacts. All I could do was what I am going to do now and that is reminding you to scroll up and read what I was wearing that day. I blame the costume for making me look like her Mommy and on top of it even my face was half covered. Also since it was around 9 pm, darkness concealed my true beauty. No more Questions! You have got to believe me!!

SIGH!!!

P.S- I wanted to write something really sexy but my University exams are coming up and i am busy buying books and catching up. So Tolerate me this one time!
P.S.S- Today i feel like quitting blogging (rhyming eh?). Lets see what i feel tomorrow.

I AM THE BRITISHER IN HIS LIFE!!

Have you seen the movie ALIEN v PREDATOR ? Did you notice the part where the predator kills the alien and then marks his face with the alien blood and calls it a victory mark? I have one such victory mark. No I did not kill any one-eyed-long-necked alien, but I successfully overpowered my brother and he gave me the (victorious) blood clot just below my collar bone.

I was switching from channel after channel on the TV when my brother who at the age of 14 (8 yrs difference) is twice my height, with bones which can be used as a hockey stick, comes and dumps himself on the couch beside me. He pokes me on my shoulder , gives a dirty grin and says “Guess what. I made a profile for Amma and sent request to all your friends”. I could feel the blood in my veins boiling and throbbing against the walls to just burst open. I replied “How dare you do such a thing Varun?”. He smirked as retorted “Don’t worry! I am not jobless enough to do something like that”.

I was back to my normal meditating soul and even gave him the remote to watch ‘RATAN KA RISHTA’ (wtf!!!), when he said.

“You never know when I become jobless and actually send a request to all your friends. You cant even raise a finger against me”

My eyes became all Green and Red and then we had a conversation which went something like this

Me-     You boy!Dont you dare!

Varun- Oh please! What you gonna do eh?

Me-      I will literally take the life out of your life. Will make your life a living hell.

Varun- Bwahah! I am now taller than you and you cannot do anything to me.

Suddenly out of no where, he caught hold of my wrists and started twisting my hand. I was shocked since this was the first time he started the attack. It was always me and I blame his hormonal change for such an act. I caught hold of his hair from my left hand and started pulling it. He tried to break free and in that process sat on my lap still holding and twisting my hand and then out of nowhere gave me a big blow just below my collar bone with his elbow. My anger made me ignore the pain. I continued to curse him and pulling his hair. My Grandmother started screaming and calling my mother, who was busy painting her nails and seemed least bothered. She was used to this. Because of the interference of my grandmother and considering her screaming at such a high pitch at the age of 76, Varun let go of my hand and in return I let his hair remain on his scalp. But the abuses continued.

Varun- You are the worst person alive in this planet. Why don’t you shift your weight    to some place like Antartica?

Me- Shut up and do me a favour by keeping your buck teeth hidden behind your lips.

Varun- Look! You have turned all red. Gonna cry eh little girl?

Me-      Lets see who cries. Go to Amma and hide under her dupatta.

Varun- I am going upstairs just because you are so ugly to be even looked at.

Me-      Make sure you close the door as you cry. Gods greatest tragedy!!!

He walked away and after some time my mother came down and told me that he is crying. The joy the bitch in me got. I shouted on top of my voice

“Look who is the woman in the house. Cry Baby Cry!!”

I laughed and spoke to myself in absolute joy and made my way to the bathroom. I stood before the mirror and pulled my top a bit down to look at my chest. The starting stage of three big blood clots right below my collar bone. The boy is growing up and I cannot anymore tame him.

I heard him talk to his friend the other day on phone. He said “Dude! The Britisher is back in town to take over India.” Obviously I know who was the Britisher here and who was India.

P.S- I just gave away my age in this post. *Gulps*. My next visit home will be on Nov 6. Till then India is at peace.

P.P.S- A junior in College just updated his Facebook status as “ YAY! Finally today I am going to trim my armpit hair. It was starting to show outside my shirt sleeve.” Al-Qaeda might be hiding inside.