WHAT DOESN'T KILL YOU, MAKES YOU WEAKER !!!

It is funny how people like to reason everything out! Every single incident in their life is seen as a reason that would lead to something that has a higher meaning. Something that was meant to be. They just don’t like to accept things as they are and move on. They need words to lift their spirits. And that is how the term 'Everything happens for a reason' was born. People please!!!

I burnt a toast today. It was the last piece of bread and I burnt it. Tell me how this happened for a reason. Except if the reason was perpetual starvation!

There are so many lines that absolutely make no sense to me. My absolute favourite is ‘What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.’ It is the worst lie that has been told on the face of this planet. I once had this terrible accident where I injured my leg badly. There were tissues hanging out and skin that looked like they were grated using a cheese grater. Of course it did not kill me and I survived. It has been almost 8 years since that accident, and still sometimes I feel the pain around my ankle. So no! What does not kill me, does not make me stronger! It makes me weaker.

Then there is the 'Everything is going to be all right'. What are you? An astrologer? Or are you the animal oracle ‘Paul the Octopus’ who predicted the world cup? If not, then how can you be sure that everything would be alright? Or maybe the interpretation of ‘Everything is going to be alright’ is “ I don’t know if it is going to be alright. I can only hope that it does. If it doesn’t, don’t sue me you imbecile! Life is a bitch but you are not the only one with issues. I ate a fly today, accidentally. Do you think it is going to be all right for the fly? Accept your destiny. DEAL WITH IT!”

I remember I had this classmate of mine named ‘Umapathy’. Umapathy was a Tamil boy who had a dog. A dog named ‘Bhairavi’. Yes! Something made him name the dog after an avatar of Goddess Kali. Anyway, Bhairavi died after eating a lizard. Umapathy came to college with a sullen face and wept over the loss of his dear ‘Bhairavi’. With an absolutely clean intention of sharing his grief and imparting momentary solace, I touched his shoulder and told him “It is ok! Everything happens for a reason”. I think his stare burnt a hole right through the middle of my head. So much for showing some humanity.

Listen to me, I am in no way trying to bash up these lines and stamp them out of existence. I understand that these are just lines to raise one’s spirit in times of despair and that they can be used only metaphorically? But really does it make any sense? It is but a while lie to make you feel stronger than you actually are.

 I know this guy who can drink like an entire bottle of vodka without any dilution in a span of half an hour. I say to him “Drink it all boy!!!!”  because what doesn’t kill him makes him stronger, unless of course he has burnt half his liver in the process, then no it did not make him stronger.

It is funny how we use certain lines as a balm to sooth the pain that life torments us with. Maybe nothing happens for a reason, maybe everything is not going to be alright and maybe what doesn’t kill you actually makes you weaker. But the only line you should actually hold on to with a death grip is “Life, it goes on.....”.

Of course if death says “Hi!!”, then No! It is mechanically impossible for life to go on.

P.S- I love making absolutely no sense!

P.P.S- If anyone of you reading this have cosmetic implants, please do not come to Kerala right now. They might just melt off your fine body. It is frigging hot!!

CLASH OF THE SOAPS

This post was an idea generated by another blog which I stumbled upon. Television soaps are like the lifeline of Indian women. Be it from any part of India, the women folk have their eyes glued to their favorite regional or national TV serial. They watch it so devotedly and it looks like their lives are hugely affected by the words of the serial BHOOTNI or the so called VAMPS of the serials. Well, this post has nothing to do with the effects of serials in the minds of the young or whatever. So you can boldly read on.

I was just listening to some songs when it hit me. As you know most of the Hindi serial titles are taken from the old Bollywood songs. So if the titles of some famous English tracks are taken, what could the plot of the soap possibly be?

Here are some famous English tracks and my plots for them.

1)      Summer of 69 by Bryan Adams- This story is about a tiny village of India (nobody cares were it is!). A man enters the village as a tourist but notices that all the villagers are Zombie like and rarely talk. They look at him with KHAUF BHARI AANKHEN. He investigates and finds out that a woman died in the summer of 1969 and her curse made the villagers ZINDA MURDAS!! 

2)      I am toxic by Britney Spears- Scene 1- A man busy working in his dim lighted underground chemistry lab with fumes surrounding him and potions bubbling in the test tubes. Scene 2- He gives an evil smile and drinks the potion and faints. Scene 3- He gets up with yellow snake eyes and he is as toxic as a cobra. Scene 4- He goes around biting and killing his enemies.

3)      Poker Face by Lady Gaga- This will be aired as an episode of the famous C.I.D series. A lady with her face painted of poker cards is going around the town killing handsome guys and putting their body in gunny bag and throwing in the river. ACP Pradyuman investigates and catches her in a public toilet. On further investigation they find out that she is actually a man.

4)      Meet me Halfway by Black Eyed Peas- The hero is in love with an alien who he accidently bumped into while the alien was visiting the Earth. She had to go back and he could not miss her. So this serial is how he makes a spaceship and goes in it to meet her. The alien also does her part and comes with her spaceship. They meet up on a meteoroid where the eventually make love and have babies who look like the Avatar.

5)      Candy shop by 50 cent- This is a love story where a girl works in her family run store dealing with chocolates and candies. The hero comes to buy candies on Valentines Day for his girlfriend and meets this girl. She helps him with the selection of the candies. Later the guy gets dumped and blames the candy girl. In the end they fall in love and live happily ever after.

6)      In the end by Linkin Park- Like the name suggests the story keeps the audience guessing about the climax which never comes. The lives of almost ten generations of a particular family are showcased

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7)      You found me by Fray- Two brother separated in the famous Kumbh Mela spend their youth trying to search out each other. Each guy’s story and love affairs are individually shown. They find each other in the end but the happiness does not stay long because they eventually find out that they both were sharing the same girlfriend.

That’s all I can think of right now!! Add up your own plots for some famous tracks!! :D

  

WE NO SPEAK AMERICANO

 This blog has nothing to do with this famous track by Yolanda be Cool. Read on if you are still interested. Indians are being hypnotized by the West. Everyone wants to speak English (perfect or not doesn’t matter) and everyone wants to go abroad. Some want to go abroad because of the money and some want to go abroad because they dream about the idea of being called a NON RESIDENTIAL INDIAN. “It sounds so cool na?” says my Aunt.

So the PAKKA DESI babu packs his PETIS and gets on the flight with the great Indian Dream. The women folks of the family are weeping; the garlands adorn his neck, the tilaks are poked onto his forehead. Ones the flight goes, the drama stops. Now the mother has something to flaunt and boast around. “Mera beta London gaya hai” is her new topic leaving the “Meri nayee benarasi saree dekho” topic behind.

Four years have passed and its time the BETA gets back home and shows his firangi face to his Indian family. The flight lands and there is another session of drama including the weeping, the tilaks, the garlands. The OPENING OF SUITCASE ceremony starts as soon as he reaches home. Versace perfumes, Hersheys kisses, Snickers, Gucci bag and other brands are introduced into the minds of the young in the family. Now you start talking to the firangi Indian. He looks at you with the London bridge shining in his eyes. He left India as a Pakka Hindi speaking Indian and comes back speaking English with an accent.

Four years cannot change so much. How can he say that he forgot Hindi in four years? How can he say that his accent comes naturally to him? He speaks his mother tongue like a foreigner in just Four Godforsaken years.

Now the  top five changes you see in him -

1)      He cannot take the spicy Indian food anymore- He fans his tongue with his hands and he goes red. He says the ALOO PARATHA is too spicy for him. Mind it! He used to crave it once.

2)      Bragging- He brags how good London is and how clean the place really is. Everywhere he looks, he has something to compare to the Videshi life. “In London they drive only big cars. Big means BADA. There are no Maruti 800 there. You understand?” All you can do is nod and call him a fool inside your head.

3)      He cannot take the climate- He needs Goggles, sunscreen, and other complimentary products to even cross the road and visit the next home. He wants Air Conditioner as his bodyguard wherever he goes. “Ye kya Garam Pani? Fridge ka pani do”. “How do you guys survive here?” he asks. Well I smile at him and think “Just like you used to four years back”

4)      Brand conscious- “What!!! You have not heard of TOMMY HILFIGER watches!!!! Tum toh TITAN se khush raho”. He asks me if i like LOUIS VUITTON bag and he pronounces it as LUIS VITTTON. Poser!!!!

5)      He wants to click photos everywhere-  From the drawing room to the bathroom, from the mother to the beggar sitting outside the home, from the Dhoodhwala to the Padosan ki Beti. He clicks everything!!!!

The list could continue but something has to end! The PAKKA HINDI BETA has been kicked out by the new FIRANGI INDIAN BETA!