I AM SO GAY BUT I DONT LIKE BOYS

Welcome to our Gayland! We are happy and gay people. We have the highest suicide rate so only happy people are left. We are sad only in our TV serials. We know only three things- Going to GELF, Drinking our TODDY, buying GOLD and oooh I forgot , we have a fourth one too and  that is acting like GAYS.

We belong to the self sufficient rice eating prawn shaped land. Don’t you get it? Kerala. We belong to the Coconut land. Even if we see you for the first time we will hold your hand and call you JAGGERY (Chakkare!).

Ok who wants to sue me for defamation? Behold my lord behold! I am myself a MALAYALEE or Mallu and who other than me can defame me. I am exempted because of the powers vested upon me by the Coconut Raja! Actually yes I have lost my mind!

The thing is here everyone acts Gay. You will see women holding each other by the waist, standing with their pelvis stuck together and talking. You will see men walking around holding each others hand. But the sad part is that these men are NOT GAY! Their sexual orientation is as straight as a laser beam. It’s just in their blood, showing that extra love. I came to this land three years back and got to know the existence of many relatives. My Namaste and a smile or a slight nodding of the head was always gifted with  taking my hand and talking while their fingers slowly rubbed my palm, or sometimes even holding by the waist. Obviously it was the women folk who did this. But guys are no less!

In the month of June-August you get pouring Holy Mama Rain! It’s a beautiful time and a romantic one too. If you are single, the weather would make you curse all the couples around you. One day I was walking back to my den when it starts drizzling. It’s cold and it’s simply amazing! I started dreaming about walking with my dream guy and other fantasy guys under the umbrella cuddling up or better still going for a long exquisite drive. But tearing through my rain-dream are the two guys holding hands and coochycooing with each other under an umbrella and walking right in front of me. Okie! I get it they have just one umbrella but what’s with the holding hand. Oh wait! Here comes the girl gang. One chick has her hand around the other chicks shoulder and they are literally sticking to each other. I mean why??????? My walking alone is suddenly so much more heavenly!

In my life I have met a lot of homosexuals. I don’t have any stigma towards them and I actually support their choice. Its there life and the choice is theirs to make. But I am straight and I like being treated straight. As simple as that! But I have always had lesbians in my life even before I came to know that there was actually a thing like that. (Thanks to Isha Koppikar and Amrita Rao movie-Girlfriend and the Bajrang Dal activists who made it a sensation by tearing off posters and thus making me curious enough). Right from school I have been haunted. If catching two chicks making out behind the classroom cupboard after class wasn’t enough, I even accidently in my straight mind made a lesbian friend and believe me it was___________ (Uncle Oxford lacks a word for such an emotion)!

So when I finally reached my Coconut land, I took a long breath and consoled myself that now the haunting is over. But here it’s the worst. You don’t even know who’s gay and who’s not. :(

P.S- Law exams going on and so my mind is in a putrefied condition and this post is a direct result of that. No heavy hearts intended. Article (19)(1)(a) of our divine Constitution gave me the right of freedom of speech and expression. So deal with it!

P.S.S- This post does not intend to convey that Kerala if full of fairies and GAYLY STRAIGHT men. There are Helluva Lungi clad macho men too.

Extra Information – Miss Red Handed is taking a trip to Singapore and its famous pals in the month of May. So no one will be haunted by my posts for a month. Hari Om!

MAKE HIM DUMP YOU

It’s common these days to get into a relationship and then spend all your time regretting it. Dumping someone especially a guy isn’t always easy. Many guys resort to suicide threat, abuses or even hardcore methods. Some might even confront your family or atleast threaten to. So here I illustrate five direct and easy methods whereby the boyfriend will happily run away and never again will you have to heave a sigh and think “Was I drunk when I got into this relationship?”

How to make your stupid but prospective murderer boyfriend dump you-

1)      Make the Over-Possessive bitch come out- Everyone appreciates a bit of possessiveness. But over- possessiveness? Act over possessive. Tell him you hate him meeting his friends. Call him at odd times like when he is in the movies with his friends or the club having a drink with his gang and tell him how you hate it. Force him to be with you rather than his friends. Be possessive and jealous about him linked to everything you can possibly think of. Stop him from tweeting, facebooking. If he doesn’t, keep nagging him till he is tired of you. If he does stop it, it’s a sign that he will soon miss his friends and his social networks and blame you and finally dump you.

2)      Show no interest in his talks- Well men love women who would sit, listen to all his bragging and his life nonsense and nod her head like a dog. Start bringing random topics in between his serious conversations. Like when he is telling you how his day was, start telling him why you love your blue nail polish. Almost 80% of divorces happen because there is no proper communication between the spouses. So it effectively works here too. Better still stop asking him anything.

3)      Make fun of his dreams and Capability- Nothing like a spit on ones self pride and self esteem. If he aspires to buy himself a ROLLS ROYCE PHANTOM by the time he is 35, laugh loudly and tell him how naive he is and how you can bet your life he wont be able to. Tell him how his other friends are so much better than him and that his vision of life is medieval.  Blame him for his stagnant position on the ladder to success.

4)      Compare him to your ex- Continuously poke him with statements about your ex. How you wish he and you had worked out and how happy you would have been. Tell him how your ex’s stubble felt on your cheeks and how much better that felt when compared to his. Saying all this in an innocent manner really confuses the man who dumps you eventually because again his possessiveness and self esteem could not stand your bullshit.

5)      Flirt with his friends- This is one of my favorites. When he takes you out to meet his friends or whenever there is any situation where you have the presence of his closest friends, show the flirt in you. Flutter some eyelashes evidently to his friend. For this purpose I suggest you choose the guy your boyfriend admits is the most attractive. Coyly smile, play with your hair, pout your lips, laugh at all the lame jokes his friend makes. Make your flirting evident. Ones the boygang has caught hold of your boyfriend alone, there will be a huge discussion and comments on how flirty you are. No guy wants a woman who flirts with anyone and especially his friends. Continue this flirting even after being warned. Act innocent. He will dump you soon!!

P.S-This is just an individual opinion. Don’t bite me if you got insulted or offended (so immature that will be. Pfft!). Also the above mentioned ways will not only drive your boyfriend away but also will take away the chances of friendship or WE-WILL-BE-IN TOUCH relation. Don’t blame me later. I warned you.

P.S.S- This opinion should not be inferred in such a way as to be thought that I have done this with someone or I intend to do it. I certainly don’t!! 

Photo Courtesy- Google Images. Too lazy to go find the real source! No infringement intended. Also the picture shows a girl dumping a guy. Well that's all i could get!

*Laughs like a Hyena*

TRAUMA ON WHEELS

 

Commuting in Kerala is like an everyday war! Adventurous you may call it. Be it an Auto, the KSRTC bus, the train, everything has a sense of uniqueness in them.

Auto- Every morning there is a frantic run to catch an auto to the University. I will never say that there is a lack of autos in here. I would rather say that our Prawn shaped state is overpopulated by Autos! Some autos pass by without stopping but the driving bloke scans you from top to bottom. Finally an auto comes up with a ‘ONE FOOT IN THE GRAVE’ old man driving it. After a few thoughts regarding his Soda glasses I step in. The ride begins and there is a monologue by him. His son, son’s son, son’s son’s barber, the dye he uses, how he was in the army once, everything is forced into your ears. He even shows his Ration card! He rides his Auto like a dirt bike. Unpredictable twists and turns and epic missing of the potholes and he still continues to talk like everything is normal. The food inside my stomach is churning and making some new product, my heart is being thrown into my mouth. After a series of near death experiences, I finally reach the University. I take the thirty rupees out of my bag and give it to him. 30 Rs for 3 km sounds reasonable enough. The OH-YOU-ARE-LIKE-MY-DAUGHTER Autowala suddenly transforms into Hitler! Curses are exchanged irrespective of the age gap. He showers Malayalam curses which I do not understand and I shove Hindi+English+Malayalam curses which bounces off his head. Finally when it’s evident that no consensus will take place, I use my brain and take up the last resort i.e. keeping the money on the seat, zipping my mouth and walking away till his shouts become inaudible.

Bus- 7 hrs of University torture has been struggled through and now its time to get back to my place. Sleep is needed! Morning Auto incident sends jitters through my body. I decide to take the Bus. So what if it takes a bit more time. Atleast there will be a peace of mine and a fixed amount to pay. I carry the heavy laptop (TOSHIBA should seriously reconsider) and finally reach the closest bus stop. Our Kerala is also swarmed by the RED MONSTAS who have this habit of stopping atleast 40m from the spot you thought it will stop. They like fooling around you see! You manage to keep one foot inside the bus when it gives a loud screech and hurries forward like a diarrhea affected child. You finally get a place to stand and the laptop is digging a hole on your shoulders and you have lost your mind. You find some change and get the ticket. The bus driver thinks he is the reincarnation of Michael Schumacher. The MONSTER takes a sudden turn and your nose directly pokes into the armpits of a I-HATE-WATER lady. Some men behind you grasp the opportunity well and try to make the best use of their hands. You give an imaginary kick to your head for coming with the idea of using the bus. Finally a lady sitting in the adjacent seat gets up and I dive in to take the place. A hefty woman with an Oil factory on her head blocks the diving and places her posterior on the space I was eying on. The stop comes and I am almost thrown out of the bus. In the end you just thank God for letting you survive it and letting you out in one piece!

Train- The weekend has come and I feel extra love for my grandparents who stay about 3 hrs from my place. The bag is packed and with a huge smile I make it to the railway station. The mood is fine because this time the Autowala who dropped me was a sane one. A sleeper ticket is bought since it’s just a 3 hr journey. I get in the train and Alas!! I cannot spot even a single seat vacant. The entire train is raided by me and finally I have found a place near a HALF-MY-SIZE dude. He seems pretty decent and so do the others in the compartment. The cell-phone becomes my savior. Headphones are in place and the music is on. The journey starts and everything is fine. Suddenly out of nowhere the dude pokes me on my shoulder and starts interviewing me. Which college? Where are you going? Why did you go to the place you are returning from? I answer these non toxic questions and then pretend to be busy. Finally the question comes “CEN AIEE HEV YOOR NUMBURR?”. I stare him down and make the most disgusting face I can ever make. Hopefully he got the answer. Wow! I successfully tackled a looser down. I will tell my friends about this and have a good laugh. The station comes and I get out like a warrior in shining armour! Proud of GOD KNOWS WHAT! I am thirsty and should buy something to drink. Oh!! There I spot a juice stall. The juice is bought and the bag is opened and ……and……….and………WHAT THE FUCK!! Where is my wallet? I had kept it under the safety of two clothes and its missing! Hysterical search has been made and it cannot be found. I lost my wallet and couldn’t even have the Juice.

Decision has been made to buy a two wheeler! Crocodile tears leave a huge effect on your DAD.

THE ONE I HATE

 The first person I ever hated was my Brother. I was eight when Amma kissed me on  the forehead and went with Papa and Grandma to the doctor. She said she had caught a cold. I continued nibbling on the huge bar of chocolate which Papa gave me for some occasion I did not understand. I was left back at home with Acchacchan (Grandpa) who after they left went back to his Third time reading of the daily newspaper. I played around, watched Scooby doo, wrapped towel on my head and walked around as if I had long hair. I applied Amma’s lipsticks and slept off on the couch.

After some 3 hrs of me salivating on the pillow, I was woken up by Acchacchan who seemed very happy and excited for some alien reason. I was fed more sweets and this time he did not even ask me to brush later. He told me “Akku! You have a brother now” to which I coyly responded “From where did he come from?”. My Grandfather ignored me and started giving sweets to the neighbors who would pick me up and tell me “Now Mommy has a new baby”.

Papa came and took me to the hospital. I screamed yet again for a packet of Gems and for the first time without asking me not to scream he bought me those. I entered the room and saw my mother and I wondered how she became so thin. I hugged her and thought why her tummy is not feeling like a nice cushion anymore. The nurse came in with a something wrapped in blue. My Amma just took that thing in her hands and kept it close to her heart. I hated that thing from that very second. It was always crying but everyone seemed to love it. I was forced to leave the room with the others while my Amma stayed inside cuddling with the thing.

Papa told me it was my brother and he was a baby. I still hated it. They brought him home and I never expected that. He was full-time hungry and always making my Amma change his diapers. But they still loved him. I tried hiding his Cerelac, I pinched him when he slept and ran away when he cried. Sometimes I would feel bad and tried to be nice to him. I would try to feed him my favorite Gems and my mother used to scold me for that. I hated him more. Sometimes I and my cousins would sit and stare at him and try to find out why his palms are folded. I really thought something was wrong with him. I wanted to make my mommy proud. I wanted her to give me more importance. So I took the matter in hand one day. I ordered my cousin brother of 5 yrs to fetch me the trilingual dictionary which my Acchacchan keeps on the shelf. I directed my Cousin sister aged 6 to keep the baby’s palm open. When both the things where done I took the dictionary and dropped it on the baby’s palm. I was happy that now his palms will be open and normal just like mine. But it started crying and turned red. My Acchacchan shouted at me and my mother cried. My father took me away and scolded me. I hated the closed palm baby even more.

Amma told me that they are going to name the baby. Me and my cousins decided on the name after watching the Sunday morning episode of MAHABHARAT. Arjun it shall be!! Everyone even my father was happy with that. But when the ceremony began, I was told that the name finally decided is VARUN. I hated everyone!

Varun became three years old and now he would silently sit and stare at me when I would walk around him with a dress hanger in my hand acting like a police officer. He became my toy. He would be my food tester when we played HOUSE HOUSE. I would pluck roses and dip it in water and he would drink it. He would sit and not utter a word when I would write on my door turned into blackboard and play Teacher. I would lock him up in the bathroom and sing horror songs till he cried. He would take the blame when the HORLICKS jar fell off the kitchen-counter and broke under mysterious circumstances. I started liking him.

He was 10 yrs old when I left Bhopal for Cochin, to do my law studies. I would miss pinching him and scolding him and throwing things at him. Everything was started by me. He would be watching his favourite Pokemon when I would poke him and irritate him. He would look at me and then continue with his cartoon. Only when I get too out of hand did he even pull my hair. I missed everything he did for me. I missed snatching things from him and I missed fighting with him over who Amma loved more. But I used to love raiding the shops in Cochin to find him a perfect gift on my way back home at the end of every semester. Fight was more than Love but it existed somewhere.

Now it’s my last year of College and he is going to be in 9^th standard. My papa was told in the last Parents meet that Varun hit a boy so hard that the kid fell along with the three desks behind him. The kid had insulted Varun. He has grown up. He is taller than me already and he has started talking to me about girls. I never knew he grew up. I never knew that he had started spying on all the guys in my Facebook account. I never knew that my hate had died long back. I still hate him and he now returns the sentiment but in the end I don’t like anyone shouting at him but me.

GOD'S BEST WORK

They were the reason for my jealousy

They made the world seem so divine

He loved her sweet smile with all his heart

And he was the reason behind her smile.

I once heard him tell her

Darling you look pretty in that red dress

He said her face was God’s best work

And that his love for her could never rest.

She was walking along the pavement thinking of him

Of the words he used to say and mean

Of all the nights she held him close

She sees yellow lights erasing all her thoughts

And she screams ‘Jesus! He needs me more’

Lord let her go for him

With her distorted face but the same beautiful eyes

She met him with her heart brimmed with love

She saw no smile no want in his eyes

He held her hands with an empty heart.

While she waited for his enchanting words..

I saw her today after a long long time

She sat there dressed in her same pretty red dress

I asked her where was he

And silence was her self defense

How could she fight the tears that never came?

As I walked away I saw him near the grocery store

He held a pretty woman in his arms

And I heard him say

‘Darling you look pretty in that red dress

Your face is God’s best work’