I AM SO GAY BUT I DONT LIKE BOYS

Welcome to our Gayland! We are happy and gay people. We have the highest suicide rate so only happy people are left. We are sad only in our TV serials. We know only three things- Going to GELF, Drinking our TODDY, buying GOLD and oooh I forgot , we have a fourth one too and  that is acting like GAYS.

We belong to the self sufficient rice eating prawn shaped land. Don’t you get it? Kerala. We belong to the Coconut land. Even if we see you for the first time we will hold your hand and call you JAGGERY (Chakkare!).

Ok who wants to sue me for defamation? Behold my lord behold! I am myself a MALAYALEE or Mallu and who other than me can defame me. I am exempted because of the powers vested upon me by the Coconut Raja! Actually yes I have lost my mind!

The thing is here everyone acts Gay. You will see women holding each other by the waist, standing with their pelvis stuck together and talking. You will see men walking around holding each others hand. But the sad part is that these men are NOT GAY! Their sexual orientation is as straight as a laser beam. It’s just in their blood, showing that extra love. I came to this land three years back and got to know the existence of many relatives. My Namaste and a smile or a slight nodding of the head was always gifted with  taking my hand and talking while their fingers slowly rubbed my palm, or sometimes even holding by the waist. Obviously it was the women folk who did this. But guys are no less!

In the month of June-August you get pouring Holy Mama Rain! It’s a beautiful time and a romantic one too. If you are single, the weather would make you curse all the couples around you. One day I was walking back to my den when it starts drizzling. It’s cold and it’s simply amazing! I started dreaming about walking with my dream guy and other fantasy guys under the umbrella cuddling up or better still going for a long exquisite drive. But tearing through my rain-dream are the two guys holding hands and coochycooing with each other under an umbrella and walking right in front of me. Okie! I get it they have just one umbrella but what’s with the holding hand. Oh wait! Here comes the girl gang. One chick has her hand around the other chicks shoulder and they are literally sticking to each other. I mean why??????? My walking alone is suddenly so much more heavenly!

In my life I have met a lot of homosexuals. I don’t have any stigma towards them and I actually support their choice. Its there life and the choice is theirs to make. But I am straight and I like being treated straight. As simple as that! But I have always had lesbians in my life even before I came to know that there was actually a thing like that. (Thanks to Isha Koppikar and Amrita Rao movie-Girlfriend and the Bajrang Dal activists who made it a sensation by tearing off posters and thus making me curious enough). Right from school I have been haunted. If catching two chicks making out behind the classroom cupboard after class wasn’t enough, I even accidently in my straight mind made a lesbian friend and believe me it was___________ (Uncle Oxford lacks a word for such an emotion)!

So when I finally reached my Coconut land, I took a long breath and consoled myself that now the haunting is over. But here it’s the worst. You don’t even know who’s gay and who’s not. :(

P.S- Law exams going on and so my mind is in a putrefied condition and this post is a direct result of that. No heavy hearts intended. Article (19)(1)(a) of our divine Constitution gave me the right of freedom of speech and expression. So deal with it!

P.S.S- This post does not intend to convey that Kerala if full of fairies and GAYLY STRAIGHT men. There are Helluva Lungi clad macho men too.

Extra Information – Miss Red Handed is taking a trip to Singapore and its famous pals in the month of May. So no one will be haunted by my posts for a month. Hari Om!