Thursday 28 April 2011


Welcome to our Gayland! We are happy and gay people. We have the highest suicide rate so only happy people are left. We are sad only in our TV serials. We know only three things- Going to GELF, Drinking our TODDY, buying GOLD and oooh I forgot , we have a fourth one too and  that is acting like GAYS.

We belong to the self sufficient rice eating prawn shaped land. Don’t you get it? Kerala. We belong to the Coconut land. Even if we see you for the first time we will hold your hand and call you JAGGERY (Chakkare!).

Ok who wants to sue me for defamation? Behold my lord behold! I am myself a MALAYALEE or Mallu and who other than me can defame me. I am exempted because of the powers vested upon me by the Coconut Raja! Actually yes I have lost my mind!

The thing is here everyone acts Gay. You will see women holding each other by the waist, standing with their pelvis stuck together and talking. You will see men walking around holding each others hand. But the sad part is that these men are NOT GAY! Their sexual orientation is as straight as a laser beam. It’s just in their blood, showing that extra love. I came to this land three years back and got to know the existence of many relatives. My Namaste and a smile or a slight nodding of the head was always gifted with  taking my hand and talking while their fingers slowly rubbed my palm, or sometimes even holding by the waist. Obviously it was the women folk who did this. But guys are no less!

In the month of June-August you get pouring Holy Mama Rain! It’s a beautiful time and a romantic one too. If you are single, the weather would make you curse all the couples around you. One day I was walking back to my den when it starts drizzling. It’s cold and it’s simply amazing! I started dreaming about walking with my dream guy and other fantasy guys under the umbrella cuddling up or better still going for a long exquisite drive. But tearing through my rain-dream are the two guys holding hands and coochycooing with each other under an umbrella and walking right in front of me. Okie! I get it they have just one umbrella but what’s with the holding hand. Oh wait! Here comes the girl gang. One chick has her hand around the other chicks shoulder and they are literally sticking to each other. I mean why??????? My walking alone is suddenly so much more heavenly!

In my life I have met a lot of homosexuals. I don’t have any stigma towards them and I actually support their choice. Its there life and the choice is theirs to make. But I am straight and I like being treated straight. As simple as that! But I have always had lesbians in my life even before I came to know that there was actually a thing like that. (Thanks to Isha Koppikar and Amrita Rao movie-Girlfriend and the Bajrang Dal activists who made it a sensation by tearing off posters and thus making me curious enough). Right from school I have been haunted. If catching two chicks making out behind the classroom cupboard after class wasn’t enough, I even accidently in my straight mind made a lesbian friend and believe me it was___________ (Uncle Oxford lacks a word for such an emotion)!

So when I finally reached my Coconut land, I took a long breath and consoled myself that now the haunting is over. But here it’s the worst. You don’t even know who’s gay and who’s not. :(

P.S- Law exams going on and so my mind is in a putrefied condition and this post is a direct result of that. No heavy hearts intended. Article (19)(1)(a) of our divine Constitution gave me the right of freedom of speech and expression. So deal with it!

P.S.S- This post does not intend to convey that Kerala if full of fairies and GAYLY STRAIGHT men. There are Helluva Lungi clad macho men too.

Extra Information – Miss Red Handed is taking a trip to Singapore and its famous pals in the month of May. So no one will be haunted by my posts for a month. Hari Om!


  1. (Uncle Oxford lacks a word for such an emotion)!!!!
    hilarious one!! n ur experience of walking straight into gay zone is omg!!! terrifying!! :P
    singapore!! wow have fun girl :)

  2. Lol..But i would love to be haunted by your posts believe me :P

    That was a nice law cum state affair :P usual you write too good..and you explained very bit till it's core..with superb examples and raw emotions by your side.. a honest and beautifully scribbled post :)

  3. HAHAHA funnyy
    I hate touchy touchy people.
    girl boy, any.

    Nice postttt maaaan

  4. hehehhehehe...funny especially the law post!

  5. HAHAHA!!!!

    I think its an Indian phenomenon 2 see full blooded men holding pinkies n still hittin on women ( :D

    Have a nice time in Singapore, Red :)

  6. @Maithili- girl thankyou so much for being the first reader n commenter.

    @Alcina- You are always a darling! Thankyou for liking my post. I am from my phone so gimme a bit time and i will comment on ur post. I have read it allready and its perfect!

    @Peachy- Loool even i hate touchy people. Keep a distance please! Thnkz for commenting..heh

    @manian.hunter- law seriously does mess your mind. Thankyou for readin .

    @R-A-J- i totally agree! Its complicated out here know!! And yes i hope to enjoy the trip.!!

  7. hilarious post...enjoyed reading it... though not as frequently as you, but sometimes, i do find women holding hands....and men holding hands when they walk....its just so confusing!!!! hehehehe....

  8. typical Red-y post :D

    loved it like any other post.. :D n goin to singapore?? wow... cool...
    hav a nice time.. :D

  9. I'm surprised.I hadn't even noticed this.Hahaha...we just "touchy" you know..Red,drop in a mail if you need help in singapore.. :-)

  10. @M- confusing is an understatment!! It totally creepes me out! Thnks for reading :)

    @Anoop- thankyou sireeeee!!

    @Blue Lotus- touchy....hmmm yes i have adapted to tht. But seeing menfolk hgolding their pinkies and walking is weird! Thanku for reading and for the Singapore help :)

    I have lost 2 blog readers since i posted this blogpost *wails and starts her voodoo ceremony*

  11. Hilarious post! I too have wondered why Mallu women almost fall on us when talking- u mean to say, its kinship:P Believe me, there are many straight machos out girl!!!

  12. I wonder it is just with me or with everyone else that whenever exams are looming large, everything, except the books becomes interesting. Even looking at the wall reveals many astounding things.

    Well, holding hands is one thing, think of this, a few men here hold pinky fingers. Beat that. :D

    Nice post, and sorry for the delays, I too had my final exams. :)

    Blasphemous Aesthete

  13. Hehe... Honestly I am scared of HomoS
    And reading the post, I feel safer being so distant from ur place.
    Good humor though.. :)


  14. How much I love this space. You are one very witty person.

    Regular. Delurking.

  15. Straight guys hand in sooooo weird O_o

  16. Delightful. "enjoy yourself" that is my comment on sexuality. I am from Kerala. And you are right there are macho men as well, perhaps they are more. Lungi lads. To be frank I hate this dress called lungi and lungi clads even though I myself wear it at home.
    Have a nice time miss. Red girl.

  17. Have you watched Russell Peters 'pinky-holding' joke about men?? =D Goes on the same line as this post..

    Hilarious observation and being a mallu brought up outside myself I can vouch for it as well...=D We would shock gay men as a group=D

    As always had a lot of fun reading your blog=)
    Keep entertaining\m/

  18. even russel peters pointed this out in one o his videos ,tat men in india walk around holdin thier pinkies (pinkies r the last finger ),,!!!n i was liek wat crap tat isnt true .. i hadn noticed it before but after i saw tat video every wher i saw i cud see guys holding hand n stuff n i was like curse u ruseel peters m...!!1 ha h aha h aha ,,

  19. @ Amnn-Russel Peters is pure magic.. Everything is funny about him. But he talks reality. :D Thanks for commenting sire! :D

  20. Hi
    m a malayalee myself who "thankfully"(!!) doesnt live in kerala. this post and the one on staring is soo true!! i wanted to write a post on it cudnt get d right words fr it...u did a wonderful job!!! :D
    Keep Blogging!!

  21. @ Anoop- THANKS AGAIN!!! blogs are written to be read. thankyou for reading an old post :)

  22. I was laughing so hard on reading this that I almost fell off my chair :-). Well written..and it's just so funny, especially because its totally true :-).

    I have my roots in Mallu land too, and have been there so many times, and have seen this in action. I guess it's really sort of an Indian thing though...coz, friends holding hands while walking is like..a common sight even in Mumbai. One of my friends here in Toronto was on a trip across North India recently, and when she returned back here, one of the things that she spoke about was how homosexuality is so widespread and mainstream in India, and that it's very common to see people of the same sex holding hands in public :-D

  23. Well, it is true, but having been born and brought up in Kerala , it doesn't seem that weird to me. Watch that video Mustafa Mustafa from Kadal Desham. One of my friends here was asking if it was a story of gay guys and watching that song again made me feel that she had a point.

  24. I am from the US. I have been to Kerala many times and have lived there for long periods of time doing studies. I have experienced and witnessed exactly what you are talking about and I see nothing GAY about it. The only way it can appear GAY is if you observe this behavior from the perverted perspective of a homophobic, binary, dichotomous culture coming from both Europe and America. From that perspective, you can talk about the "appearances" of two men or women holding hands "seeming" to be gay. From my US-born perspective, men touching one another in Kerala "reads" like "intimacy" rather than "homosexuality" and an intimacy rarely achieved in America. Never take for granted how amazing this intimacy is or can be; for when you live in a homophobic culture like US, you will see a lot of lonely, pained men, who seemingly never find the kind of connectedness they crave.

  25. first of all beautifully written piece although i don't agree with u at all not in the very least ......may be because i am gay .....may be i need to say it louder ....GAY well i never really liked the girly-guy types and i dont really like gay men purposefully acting feminine bent wrists and dancer like gait or body movement .....i have met gay men in kerala who could take ur idea of macho to a whole new level ....u will be shocked by their sexual orientation ...about the straight men who u accused of acting "GAY" (i dont really know what that means...i think u mean acting feminine) are expressing thier affection ...the less affection u express the more mechanical u become ....Ok let me put it this way the stone age men where mesmerized by the scent of a woman i.e her sweat it triggered a heightened sense of attraction in the male body ...modern western concept of cleanliness has wiped out such a thing ...(look this up in discovery if u disagree) Likewise modern sense of expressing emotions have wiped out displays of affection among same sex people ....It's still alive in rural and semi-urban parts of most developing and underdeveloped countries and thankfully in KERALA....Obviously i am biased coz i am gay


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