TRAUMA ON WHEELS

 

Commuting in Kerala is like an everyday war! Adventurous you may call it. Be it an Auto, the KSRTC bus, the train, everything has a sense of uniqueness in them.

Auto- Every morning there is a frantic run to catch an auto to the University. I will never say that there is a lack of autos in here. I would rather say that our Prawn shaped state is overpopulated by Autos! Some autos pass by without stopping but the driving bloke scans you from top to bottom. Finally an auto comes up with a ‘ONE FOOT IN THE GRAVE’ old man driving it. After a few thoughts regarding his Soda glasses I step in. The ride begins and there is a monologue by him. His son, son’s son, son’s son’s barber, the dye he uses, how he was in the army once, everything is forced into your ears. He even shows his Ration card! He rides his Auto like a dirt bike. Unpredictable twists and turns and epic missing of the potholes and he still continues to talk like everything is normal. The food inside my stomach is churning and making some new product, my heart is being thrown into my mouth. After a series of near death experiences, I finally reach the University. I take the thirty rupees out of my bag and give it to him. 30 Rs for 3 km sounds reasonable enough. The OH-YOU-ARE-LIKE-MY-DAUGHTER Autowala suddenly transforms into Hitler! Curses are exchanged irrespective of the age gap. He showers Malayalam curses which I do not understand and I shove Hindi+English+Malayalam curses which bounces off his head. Finally when it’s evident that no consensus will take place, I use my brain and take up the last resort i.e. keeping the money on the seat, zipping my mouth and walking away till his shouts become inaudible.

Bus- 7 hrs of University torture has been struggled through and now its time to get back to my place. Sleep is needed! Morning Auto incident sends jitters through my body. I decide to take the Bus. So what if it takes a bit more time. Atleast there will be a peace of mine and a fixed amount to pay. I carry the heavy laptop (TOSHIBA should seriously reconsider) and finally reach the closest bus stop. Our Kerala is also swarmed by the RED MONSTAS who have this habit of stopping atleast 40m from the spot you thought it will stop. They like fooling around you see! You manage to keep one foot inside the bus when it gives a loud screech and hurries forward like a diarrhea affected child. You finally get a place to stand and the laptop is digging a hole on your shoulders and you have lost your mind. You find some change and get the ticket. The bus driver thinks he is the reincarnation of Michael Schumacher. The MONSTER takes a sudden turn and your nose directly pokes into the armpits of a I-HATE-WATER lady. Some men behind you grasp the opportunity well and try to make the best use of their hands. You give an imaginary kick to your head for coming with the idea of using the bus. Finally a lady sitting in the adjacent seat gets up and I dive in to take the place. A hefty woman with an Oil factory on her head blocks the diving and places her posterior on the space I was eying on. The stop comes and I am almost thrown out of the bus. In the end you just thank God for letting you survive it and letting you out in one piece!

Train- The weekend has come and I feel extra love for my grandparents who stay about 3 hrs from my place. The bag is packed and with a huge smile I make it to the railway station. The mood is fine because this time the Autowala who dropped me was a sane one. A sleeper ticket is bought since it’s just a 3 hr journey. I get in the train and Alas!! I cannot spot even a single seat vacant. The entire train is raided by me and finally I have found a place near a HALF-MY-SIZE dude. He seems pretty decent and so do the others in the compartment. The cell-phone becomes my savior. Headphones are in place and the music is on. The journey starts and everything is fine. Suddenly out of nowhere the dude pokes me on my shoulder and starts interviewing me. Which college? Where are you going? Why did you go to the place you are returning from? I answer these non toxic questions and then pretend to be busy. Finally the question comes “CEN AIEE HEV YOOR NUMBURR?”. I stare him down and make the most disgusting face I can ever make. Hopefully he got the answer. Wow! I successfully tackled a looser down. I will tell my friends about this and have a good laugh. The station comes and I get out like a warrior in shining armour! Proud of GOD KNOWS WHAT! I am thirsty and should buy something to drink. Oh!! There I spot a juice stall. The juice is bought and the bag is opened and ……and……….and………WHAT THE FUCK!! Where is my wallet? I had kept it under the safety of two clothes and its missing! Hysterical search has been made and it cannot be found. I lost my wallet and couldn’t even have the Juice.

Decision has been made to buy a two wheeler! Crocodile tears leave a huge effect on your DAD.