PAIN IN THE BUTT

My bum is not in its pink of health and happiness. Sitting has become a major challenge now, much to the happiness of my mother who believes that your Butt-cheeks expand if you sit for long. I have not tried to research using Google in this regard because I have much better things to do like falling down the stairs while humming the tune of Himesh Reshamiya’s latest ‘I MISS YOU LIKE MANGO’.

So I fell and my brother ran to my rescue, atleast that is what I like to believe though the nincompoop was much more interested to scrutinize if any cracks had developed on the staircase as a result of my butt touching the stairs in a banging manner. The Russell Peters dialogue ‘BE A MAN’ hit my head and I applied MOVE on my left butt-cheek, followed by getting ready to hit the gym where my OH SO GAY trainer awaits to make me feel like a guinea pig running inside the wheel in a chemistry lab.

I forbade myself from squeezing my own ass due to the immense pain while walking and reached the gym after driving almost standing on my humble Activa. To my greatest happiness my trainer was on leave and another trainer with a butt which might make Jennifer Lopez insecure took the opportunity to instruct me for the day. His CHIHUAHUA face made me feel that he would be lenient and that today’s working out would be like finishing up a piece of chocolate truffle, quick and easy. But you know God has made me his source of comical entertainment and he loves to point at me and laugh. The JLo butt trainer was actually a CHIHUAHUA with the soul of a Rottweiler and he made me run for 25 min straight, followed by spin bike for 20 min and other machines for an hour. I was in the gym for 2 hours and he wanted me to stay back for half an hour more. Now no one can blame me for bringing up the excuse of my (long back expired) Grandfather’s sudden need to visit the doctor, whose appointment has already been taken. 

I returned home and rubbed my aching left butt-cheek in the presence of my family and threw myself on the bed, crashing on my stomach. My brother had already spread the news of me almost cracking the staircase with my butt and my mother was demanding her right to see my 22 yr old Thunder Bum. Now she is someone who wouldn’t bless me with Pin drop silence until I give her what she wants and in this case, it was the view of my YOU-KNOW-WHAT. I took her to my room, closed the door as my Grandmother too tried to come for the viewing ceremony and allowed my mother to see what she wanted to see. After close introspection she said something which will remain in my head for a long time, even if it is not forever.

She said “ Your left butcheek looks like Akon’s Face now"

P.S- I am typing this while standing. The blood clot has reduced considerably but still makes me wince as I sit. Sunday is GYM holiday and I am giving my Bum the rest it deserves.

P.P.S- My brother today bought Lakme Perfect Radiance Fairness cream worth 175 bucks. He is 14 yr old. He now wants to buy OLAY men’s solution and asked me to give my opinion in this regard. All I could suggest to him was ‘Become a Man first my little boy’.