WHEN ENGLISH CAN KILL

 

I have been coming across some brutal accent tragedies. The way certain things are pronounced is really killing my brain cells! The incorrect pronunciation creates so many hubbubs, yet it’s so hard to control the tummy tickling it gifts me sometimes. Here are the some pronunciations which have made me FOMFCLATGM (Fall Of My Frigging Chair Laughing And Try to Gag Myself)

Shatter Line One- I have never tried CHUM PUG NEE”

           I was flabbergasted! When your friend whom you are secretly jealous of tells you that she hasn’t ever tried this strange sounding thing, you get stuck in a nerve crunching dilemma. How can you tell her that forget trying it, you haven’t even heard of this beauty of a thing. But I gathered the courage and told her that I haven’t too. Moments later she points at an image in the Magazine she had been reading and it struck me. She was all this while talking about CHAMPAIGNE. I just wanted to die and attain nirvana!

Shatter Line Two- CHAAV RUU LAATE

          I really thought it might be some Latin phrase like Carpe Diem! I Googled it but couldn’t find out the true meaning. Seemed to me like it had some real deep meaning to it. I used Google translator and tried Latin, Greek, French, Spanish but no rescue came! Finally I gave up and went to the guy who had spoken those magical words. The line was ‘‘He has a CHAAV RUU LAAATE’’. On further questioning he brought out a  catalogue and pointed to the main page header ‘CHEVROLET’. *Hard face slap*

Shatter Line Three- PAAND

         This was the winner! How can someone mispronounce certain simple words? Is their tongue having issues? I went to Allen-Solly outlet the other day and asked for some black trousers and the female replied, “You want PAAND?”. I was like “No just the trousers! Is PAAND a new trend? Like Jeggings?”. “ No Madam, you want black PAAND?”. “Fine, show it to me”. She disappears only to arrive a minute later with some black PANTS! Hell might be so entertaining!!!! Don’t even ask what a simple Panty can be pronounced as. Kungfu Panda’s younger sister, PANDY!

  

PS- You would have figured out by now that my thought accentuating areas of the brain are on strike. Better post next time!

Image Courtesy- elingles.co.cc

Melodious Suicide

I know the title was a bit troubling but that’s all my mind came up with. I am at home currently and you all know you get VIP treatment for first few days and then its all back to square one kind. Bored of TV and its ‘Ratan ka rishta’ kind of reality swayamvars and UTV bindass dung balls!

So I took up a task of going through my entire music collection and list out some songs which will make you teary eyed and for those who are probable suiciders, this might just act like a catalyst.

Rank 1- HURT by Johnny Cash –It has very touching lines and the dark melody plus the deep baritone of this legendary singer might just take you to the dark sides of life which you will easily relate to.

                    Fav lines- what have I become?
                                     my sweetest friend
                                     everyone I know
                                     goes away in the end
                                     and you could have it all
                                     my empire of dirt

Link to the lyrics-
http://www.lyrics007.com/Johnny%20Cash%20Lyrics/Hurt%20Lyrics.html

                

Rank 2- Whiskey Lullaby by Brad Paisley- A song for the loved and lost. The lines are so touching and still beautiful. It’s a story beautifully told.

                     Fav Lines-She put him out like the burnin' end of a midnight cigarette
                                       She broke his heart he spent his whole life tryin' to forget
                                       We watched him drink his pain away a little at a time
                                        But he never could get drunk enough to get her off his mind
                                        Until the night

                                        He put that bottle to his head and pulled the trigger

Link to the lyrics-

http://www.lyrics007.com/Brad%20Paisley%20Lyrics/Whiskey%20Lullaby%20Lyrics.html

Rank 3- Tears in Heaven by Eric Clapton- This song was written and sung by him following the death of his four-year-old son who fell from a window of the 53rd-floor New York apartment of his mother's friend. So you can imagine the pain in this song.

                      Fav lines- Would you know my name
                                        If I saw you in heaven
                                        Will it be the same
                                        If I saw you in heaven
                                        I must be strong, and carry on
                                        Cause I know I don't belong
                                        Here in heaven

Link to the lyrics-

http://www.lyrics007.com/Eric%20Clapton%20Lyrics/Tears%20In%20Heaven%20Lyrics.html

Rank 4- And so it goes by Billy Joel- You can relate to this song in so many different ways. A true classic sung by an epic artist. About love lost and how the heart collects those broken pieces and loves again.

                           Fav Lines- And every time I've held a rose
                                             It seems I only felt the thorns
                                             And so it goes, and so it goes
                                             And so will you soon I suppose

Link to the lyrics-

http://www.lyrics007.com/Billy%20Joel%20Lyrics/And%20So%20It%20Goes%20Lyrics.html

Rank 5- Dance with my father by Luther Vandross- As the title suggests, the song is about a little kid who wants his father back from God and about the pain his mother is going through. No one can sing this the way Luther Vandross has. I bet that this one will make you weep. One of my favourites

                            Fav Lines- When I and my mother would disagree
                                               To get my way I would run from her to him
                                               He’d make me laugh just to comfort me,
                                               Then finally make me do just what my mama said

Link to the lyrics-

http://www.lyrics007.com/Luther%20Vandross%20Lyrics/Dance%20With%20My%20Father%20Lyrics.html

Now that I have done the impossible by boosting the depression oriented emotions, I would end this post with a photo I recently came across in twitter. From Kerala or Tamil Nadu I guess. 

STARE AT ME PLEEEJ

 There is a famous Malayalam proverb which when translated goes something like, “it’s when you loose an eye that you realize its value”. Now why am I suddenly bringing it up here? It’s just that I am stuck in an emotional wreck right now.

Our prawn shaped lungi clad land of Kerala is famous for three things- Eating rice, Drinking TODDY (followed by the famous half mast lungi erratic dance) & Gold mania. But very less is the fourth and the most common feature of this land known and that is STARING.

Staring as defined by our own WIKIPEDIA is- ‘a prolonged gaze or fixed look. In staring, one object or person is the continual focus of visual interest, for an amount of time.’ But in my land you get more. The amount of time given to one person can continue even beyond the point when you show discomfort and ask the person to quit gawking. I am not talking about ‘man stares at bootylicious woman’ kind of stare but the ‘Equality before law’ kind of stare. Men will stare and even women will stare. You don’t have to look good to be stared at, nor skimpily clad. A fully covered Salwar-kameez will give you equal eye exposure.

KSRTC (Monster Bus) is the cheapest way to travel in and around Kerala and it is in here that you get served with the best and unprecedented kind of staring ,especially if you happen to be standing since the men are sitting on the seats reserved for women and you let them sit because they think they are ladylike. The men stare at your face and then the gaze runs down and up and sideways. They have literally scanned you out while you suspect their glasses to have an X-RAY machine fixed in them. The women crowd stares at you with a grim but demeaning look and your mind suddenly starts to calculate the reason behind that look. Is it because I don’t wear gold, or because I am wearing jeans or because my hair is not matching the level of oil required? Relief touches me when I see that I am not the only one being stared at. The staring does not stop even after you get down on your stop. The eyes continue to be stuck on you from the windows. I shudder and walk towards my den (the hostel) when I am welcomed by two eyes fixed on me. The mundu clad uncle on Pulsar showing off his hairy legs stares at me with a ´Hey Babeee’ look, while his better half does her part by giving me the ´blank stare’.

After my semester got over I decided to take a trip to Singapore and its friendly neighbors to sooth my senses. I landed and I noticed that not a single soul was interested in my existence. Not one stare, not even a fraction of second lasting look. I was happy to notice that even the prettiest of females wearing shorts and sleeveless tops were not being looked at. To my bitterest shock, it was me who was staring at them. Never thought that Kerala could have such an effect on me. I have been pampered by so many stares that now not getting one makes me troubled. Kerala does that to you. Gives you the importance you don’t need and it has definitely left a mark on me.

P.S- I Love Kerala and only i and my fellow Keralites have the right to make fun of it and its people!  Wokay???

Funeral Drama

Real life drama is true entertainment and sometimes it’s better than those trashy soaps that the idiot box injects you with. I will tell you something and I tell you this with the experiences that have come my way. Funeral is the best place these days to find the real life drama. Yes my reading idiots yes! Funeral it is.

Don’t believe me? Roll a JCB over your “I DON’T ATTEND FUNERALS” phobia and find time to attend one and you would rightfully agree.

Scene 1- Grief is in the air. The large courtyard is the venue for the disastrous occasion. Interestingly the family has found time to import orchids and white tulips to accessorize the venue. The casket protects the body of a wrinkled old man who seems disinterested in what’s happening around. Eyes closed and forced into a crisp black suit, hands folded clutching a cross. He just lies there and that’s his role. They made sure that his casket is made of rosewood. Status is important, though the man who left for his heavenly (subject to change) abode was despised dearly. The service is to start in five minutes.

Scene 2- The eldest daughter is not happy with the black boat necked black dress she got herself for the occasion. The younger son is perturbed with the fact that it’s the other son who gets to do the eulogy. The wife of the man in the leading role (the casket man) sits still. She hated him while he was alive but now realizes that when he left her with some peace, he made her a widow.

Scene 3- Neighbors, well-wishers, haters, envious but now relieved rivals, sly relatives pour in and take the seats. The ladies glance across the rows comparing the hats, the gowns, the lip colors. The men remain still while their mind acts like the judge deciding who would be the getting the biggest chunk of the dead old man's property.

Scene 4- The priest starts the service and reads out phrases from the Holy book. It is then followed by the most awaited EULOGY. The elder son makes his way gallantly towards the stage and clears his throat. His baritone echoes throughout the courtyard. Words like ‘Lord loved him more’, ‘he is still among us’, ‘he was a great father’ are part of the eulogy. His wife gives him THE LOOK and he knows that something is missing. His stern expression changes into an emotional heart breaking tear pouring one. His part is done and so he steps down. The choir in designer gowns starts singing ‘JESUS IS CALLING’, when a phone starts ringing barbarically. Jesus is truly calling I guess.

Scene 5- The service is over and the gathering turns noisy. The elder crowd discusses the property division. The women still cling on to the makeup stories. The husbands talk about business ventures. The widow sits near the casket reliving the past. She would miss him though he was not a good husband. Now she is dependent on the mercy of her three children. The priest is not happy with the gift he received for the service he rendered. More green notes are needed. The three children discuss about the funeral expense and finally decide that their mother the widow should also hand over her share.After all it was her husband too.

Scene 6- Fast forward. The service is over; the body rests deep in the soil. Happy that it is not a part of this masked world. Hell might be more genuine. A big black and white expensively framed photo of him is nailed to the front room wall. His story ends there.

P.S- This is not the story of every funeral. True emotions are a part of many but with the passage of time, relationships are just becoming word of mouth. Reality is turning bitter day by day.

Image courtesy- cartoonstock.com