MY MOM THE BRUTE....

I am a bad person. I love to see my parents fight or rather I want to see my parents fight. I am saying this because in my 22 yrs of existence I have never seen or let me put this in a better way, ‘witnessed’ a good domestic fight. I am not saying that it doesn’t happen but that even if it does, they never let me catch a glimpse of it. No tears, no raised voice, no angry faces. 

As a child I used to love watching those dramatic Bollywood movies, especially that movie Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Ghum. The way Amitabh Bacchan would say “ Keh diya na… bus keh diya” and Jaya Bacchan would go all quiet and then towards the end of the movie, she finds those missing balls and says “Keh diya na.. bus keh diya”, making Amitabh feel like a little lost puppy in a storm. Since then, I have wanted to see a bit of drama in my family, a sight of my dad and my mother having an exchange of epic dialogues. 

So some days back, my mother had to make her monthly visit to the doctor. Our family is crazy when it comes to personal care and regular visit to the doctor’s clinic. For some reason alien to me, she forced me to tag along and ordered my father to be the driver, which he happily agreed on one condition. The condition being that after dropping us at the clinic, he be allowed to go deal with some official matter and that he would come pick us up, as soon as the appointment with the doctor is done with.

The consultation was over, the medicines were bought and the call was made to ‘THE DAD’. I remember him saying that ‘He is on his way’. I also remember me and my mother standing in the blistering cold for almost half an hour waiting for him. My mother kept quiet while I started pulling my hair, when suddenly she said … 

“He thinks he is the busiest man alive”

I stopped pulling my hair from its root and directed all my senses to her words. Was this going to be the day I have been waiting for? Will I be able to witness a real life drama? Is this for real?? I am going to support her this time. I will nod my head to every accusation she makes and I will also add some fuel. 

Mom- He thinks it is because of him that the office runs. He thinks that the boss will die without him.

Me- True true!!

Mom- We have been waiting for so long! Who knows maybe he lied to us and is now sitting with his friend Anil, who owns a shop nearby. 

Me- Possible!!

Mom- I hate it when he does this. I also work! I never make him wait! He always does this. Half an hour it has been. I even want to pee!

Me- Tch Tch!! 

Mom- Why cannot he buy a new phone. Still the Nokia basic model. As if he does not have money for something better. One day I will throw the phone into the washing machine. Always out of coverage area.

Me- Yes it is embarrassing!!

After exact 45 minutes, my father appeared before us with a face that had a very boyish grin pasted on it. I was determined to support my mother on her fight for justice. We got into the car and I waited for my mother to give my Dad an earful. Maybe I should record this one. It’s going to be epic!

But you know how sometimes life plays cruel games with you. Like for example, you are finally going to eat the ice-cream you have been craving for and when your tongue is just a second away from the delight waiting on the cone, it somehow slips from your hand and falls on the dirtiest of all grounds. Similarly, life showed its ugly face to me again.

My Dad asked us if we had any trouble waiting for him. I looked at my mother with expectations surpassing all heights. But she ditched me and said something which made me want to open the car door and jump right in front of a truck. She said…

“Not at all! Our daughter was creating a fuss though. She is hungry you see”   
   

‘Why God Why!!!!!!! ‘ is all I thought, as my Dad gave me his blank stare.

P.S- My mother's facebook password is 'ILOVEMYSCOOTY'. Facepalm would be an understatement.

LIVING WITH A BROWN FAMILY

 I am now officially bugged, beyond redemption. I qualify for the post of the most fickle-minded person alive on the face of earth, atleast that is what I feel. When I was living my life my way 2017 km away from my home, I brutally missed the whole family and ‘MY-HOME’ thing.  So when the semester break arrived, I decided not to intern in another far away state but to pack my bags and go where my heart is, which I supposed was at this place called HOME.

 

Now the first 3 days were epic! I think the reason behind the chaotic rush at the airport on 06-11-2011 was that my entire family and few sets of relatives were present there to welcome me. A crushing kiss on the cheek by my mother, a bear hug by my Dad, a pony tail pull by my brother and a massive cheek pull by my Granny, I realized that I was finally home. 

First 3 days-

Mom- Mole!!! Look at you, you became so dark and look at your hair, full of split ends. Did you not apply the home made Hibiscus Flower shampoo I sent you? What about the Coconut and Tulsi oil? Now that you are here, I will take care of you Mole!!

Granny- Utthappam Or Dosa? I know my Mole likes Utthappam. Afternoon I will make Jeera Rice with Khatta Meetha Dal, your favourite no??!! I asked your Papa to buy some Udad Dal, to make Vada in the evening. 

Father- Mole! Tell me about your college life. Are things okie? Tonight we will have food from outside, right after we check out the new dress collection at the mall. You wanted to buy a dress right? 

4-10 days-

Mom- You became so fat! You should join the gym. Today itself we will go and check out the gym nearby. You need a good personal trainer too. Don’t sit so much! Always sitting in from of your laptop! You just rip off your clothes and leave them for the washing machine to wash. Why can’t you wash sometimes? And your room is so dirty! Is this how you live in your hostel? I am sure your place can host a junkyard war show. 

Granny- What do you mean you won’t eat rice in the afternoon? Have the rice with the curry you had in the morning. And you are asking about the evening snack? You know how old I am? Make something yourself or there is Rusk. Have it with tea.

Father- I don’t think that you should go to the gym just one time in a day. You come back and eat and do nothing. I think you should go in the evening too! This will keep you fit. Mole you have become so lazy! We will go out in the evening and buy you some more gym cothes.

11-25 days-

Mom- You come back from gym and you eat and then you are on bed like you are some old lady. When I was your age, I was married, had a job and also had you in my womb. How will you manage a family. You cannot even cook a chappati properly! You know Mrs. Susheea’s daughter Meena? She just finished school and she makes the dinner, while her mother rests. Tch Tch! What are we going to do with you!

Granny- You are ripe now!  Eligible to get married and you are still stubborn. Why cannot you eat rice and sambar eh? We will get you married to someone who eats just rice and lives for rice. Kids these days do not mature only! How will you take care of a child!! 

Father- Why are you watching Masterchef Australia? I would understand it if you actually moved your lazy bum up from the chair and made something they cook on this show. Why can’t you watch the news channel? Ones you get your Law degree, I am thinking about sending you to Delhi and you shall prepare for your Civil Judge exam. Why have you not sorted out your life yet? Tch Tch!

NOW, all I dream of is my Hostel bed, but I have 16 days more left at my home where like I said before, apparently my heart is. Life is so awesome when you are far away from your family and all you get is those loving and caring calls by your parents. I love my family and I cannot ask for a better one because I am blessed with the perfect one, but ones you have tasted freedom or life on your own, you become intolerant to dominance. I agree I am lazy, and I am not mature and I am not half the perfect woman my Mother is, but I am me!! Someone says I am perfect and I like to believe him.

Meet My Family,

Father- I can kill you for him and yes die for him too. The first man in my life and the best one too! He is the reason why I am proud of myself.

Mother- Too sweet to be true. Has a 9 to 6 job, but always took care of me as if she is a housewife. Too innocent, beautiful and the woman I want to be.

Granny- Looks sinfully beautiful even with those wrinkles at the age of 74. Makes the best food my Taste buds have tasted. A gem of a woman whom life has made strong.

Brother- He and I share a love hate relationship, but he will kick anyone’s ass if I ask him to. 

P.S- I did not reply to the comments on my last post, because seriously I did not know what to reply with. I am really thankful to everyone who read because you know it means a hell lot!

P.P.S- I am overeating. The gymming is making me real tired and end up hogging as if my life depends on it. I cannot diet! But yes I am not putting on weight.  Somebody kill my gym trainer. Please!

ImageCourtesy- iamstillzero.blogspot.com

YES TO ABORTION...

So Yes I support abortion. Now before you point at me and call me a baby killer or stamp the tag of being a woman who might have aborted a baby, let me tell you I have not done any such thing. But If I had to, I would and as much I would hate myself for aborting the foetus, I still will. 

Now I know that almost everyone agrees with the concept of abortion when it comes to cases of Rape and when the life of the woman might be at stake. But what about cases of unwanted pregnancies as a result of lack of usage of proper protections? I see you all frowning at it now. Now according to me there are four sets of people who are against the concept of abortion- 

1) The Married people- These people do not mind having a baby, since the society wont look down on them if the woman gets pregnant.

2) The Virgins- This set of people will stand outside and just give their viewpoints, without actually trying to step into the minds of those who are going through it.

3) The Lucky Ones- They used protection and even when they did not, it never made the girl pregnant.

4) Those who don’t believe in pre-marital sex.

I respect their viewpoints and they might be right, but that does not make me wrong. Now I am not going to talk about abortion as a result of rape but I am referring to sex between two people who are really in love which resulted in pregnancy and no they are not married. I see you all rolling your eyes already and that is exactly what your problem is.

We have reached an age where more than half of the crowd which is getting married, is not anywhere close to being a virgin. This is the time of pre-marital sex and everyone is enlightened enough to know about protections. No one wants to take a risk and I don’t think there is anything called as unprotected sex anymore, especially if it is before marriage and with the consent of both the parties to it. Either the guy uses condom, or the girl uses the pill before 72 hours or the guy does not cum in her or it could be a combination of all three. Either way, people who have sex before marriage know the risks involved and thus use protection. But what if the woman still gets pregnant? Is it her fault?

Now she can do two things if she gets pregnant- 

 A-  Be an unmarried pregnant lady, thus causing the society to spit on her face. She will make her family's name dissolve into thin nothingness, make the relatives talk, get chucked out of the social circle and declared unwanted.

       B-   Abort the foetus which would have been born with the status of being unwanted or an accident.

Yes, some of you would be coming up with a solution of the boy and girl being forced to marry and thus raising the child. But what if they do not want to marry now? What if they are not secure or mature enough to deal with such a situation? What if they are just not ready for it? Yes I hear you saying, that then they should have never had sex. But who are you to decide that? Sex is a choice and it’s not for the bystanders to decide. 

I do not support abortion after the foetus is 20 weeks old. But I will still support it if it endangers the life of the woman. We have a right over our own body and we are at liberty to choose. Do not be against abortion if you believe in pre marital sex, and if you do not believe in pre marital sex don’t judge those who do. It is their choice not yours.  

P.S- This is my viewpoint and I am in no way starting a debate here. If you are against abortion, good for you but do not think that leaving anonymous unnecessary comments under this post, will change the way I think. If you have anything to say, say it with poise and if you want to shoot me down with your harsh words, dedicate a post against this on your blog.

How to Win an argument with a Woman??

I am giving away the most life changing solution here. As much as I am scared of being banished from the kingdom of muliebrity, I will still take my chances here. Men all around the globe have been researching on this topic and you can find numerous videos on youtube by the sterner sex trying to crack this question. Below you will find a step wise guide to ultimately defeating your female in a battle of arguments.

STEP 1- Find the Hidden meaning. When your woman starts to yell about the garbage can not being emptied by you the previous night, it is definitely not the only thing she is yelling about. Take a second to scan your one week history, because your woman is yelling at you for more reasons than just a garbage can. It could be something as random as the 2 second look you gave to another woman while dining with your girl.

STEP 2- Don’t let her stray from the point. Now that you know that there is a hidden agenda behind her GARBAGE CAN story, try to restrict her arguments to just the complaint that the words which came out of her mouth reflected. A woman is like WIKIPEDIA, she has the details of every little thing you did or omitted to do while you were supposed to do it, in her brain. Whenever she sees herself loosing in front of your logical explanations, she brings out that historical event and bombards you with it which eventually renders you incapable. 

STEP 3- Never curse. You do not want to add new events in her History book, thus causing future calamities. Craft your words sharp but keep a check on them. A woman will bring out her ultimate weapon that is ‘TEARS’ if she has no reasonable argument to counter your explanation and if you curse her, she will finally have a reason to bring out those crocodile tears, even if it did not hurt her a tinge.

STEP 4- Use her History Book method i.e Cite Precedents. Now a woman loves to shower your history on you which has the effect of shooting a poisoned arrow right on your bum, but she never expects you to do the same. Think of a situation where she did something which really hurt you and use it as your secret weapon. 

STEP 5- Be senseless. If you are logical and if you make sense, you are bound to fail. If the History you chose in Step 4 did not do the magic, jump to random arguments which may have nothing to do with the actual topic. Bring out stuffs like hairbrush left on the table with strands of hair still on it, how she ignores you because of her daily soaps etc. Make her speechless and by that I mean to keep talking until she gives up arguing.

STEP 6- Make her feel guilty. Now that you have become senseless and are almost on the verge of success, remind her of all the good things you have done for her. Women are the most guilty conscious species alive on the face of the Universe. Make a sad face, look straight in her eyes, force a bit of extra moisture in your eyes and with a low voice tell her how much you love her and what all you do just to make her happy. Make things up, you being MEN should be awesome at it.

STEP 7- Topic Forgotten. By now, your woman would be hugging you or would have cooled down atleast, with a guilty smile on her face. Hug her tight, say a sorry for the non disposal of the Garbage , and also make a secret note in your head as to always stare at random girls when your girl in not anywhere in the vicinity. 

STEP 8- Mission accomplished. Bask in the victory spotlight my manipulative friend!

PAIN IN THE BUTT

My bum is not in its pink of health and happiness. Sitting has become a major challenge now, much to the happiness of my mother who believes that your Butt-cheeks expand if you sit for long. I have not tried to research using Google in this regard because I have much better things to do like falling down the stairs while humming the tune of Himesh Reshamiya’s latest ‘I MISS YOU LIKE MANGO’.

So I fell and my brother ran to my rescue, atleast that is what I like to believe though the nincompoop was much more interested to scrutinize if any cracks had developed on the staircase as a result of my butt touching the stairs in a banging manner. The Russell Peters dialogue ‘BE A MAN’ hit my head and I applied MOVE on my left butt-cheek, followed by getting ready to hit the gym where my OH SO GAY trainer awaits to make me feel like a guinea pig running inside the wheel in a chemistry lab.

I forbade myself from squeezing my own ass due to the immense pain while walking and reached the gym after driving almost standing on my humble Activa. To my greatest happiness my trainer was on leave and another trainer with a butt which might make Jennifer Lopez insecure took the opportunity to instruct me for the day. His CHIHUAHUA face made me feel that he would be lenient and that today’s working out would be like finishing up a piece of chocolate truffle, quick and easy. But you know God has made me his source of comical entertainment and he loves to point at me and laugh. The JLo butt trainer was actually a CHIHUAHUA with the soul of a Rottweiler and he made me run for 25 min straight, followed by spin bike for 20 min and other machines for an hour. I was in the gym for 2 hours and he wanted me to stay back for half an hour more. Now no one can blame me for bringing up the excuse of my (long back expired) Grandfather’s sudden need to visit the doctor, whose appointment has already been taken. 

I returned home and rubbed my aching left butt-cheek in the presence of my family and threw myself on the bed, crashing on my stomach. My brother had already spread the news of me almost cracking the staircase with my butt and my mother was demanding her right to see my 22 yr old Thunder Bum. Now she is someone who wouldn’t bless me with Pin drop silence until I give her what she wants and in this case, it was the view of my YOU-KNOW-WHAT. I took her to my room, closed the door as my Grandmother too tried to come for the viewing ceremony and allowed my mother to see what she wanted to see. After close introspection she said something which will remain in my head for a long time, even if it is not forever.

She said “ Your left butcheek looks like Akon’s Face now"

P.S- I am typing this while standing. The blood clot has reduced considerably but still makes me wince as I sit. Sunday is GYM holiday and I am giving my Bum the rest it deserves.

P.P.S- My brother today bought Lakme Perfect Radiance Fairness cream worth 175 bucks. He is 14 yr old. He now wants to buy OLAY men’s solution and asked me to give my opinion in this regard. All I could suggest to him was ‘Become a Man first my little boy’.

INDIA FLYING

There used to be a time when we used to label the people who have travelled by air even ones as ‘RICH’. There used to be a time when going by flight somewhere would invite lines like ‘Wo toh bade insaan ho gaye hain. Plane shane mein savari karte hain’. Travelling by an airplane used to be a dream and something everyone used as a mark of status and sometimes even as a means to show off. 

Now the system has changed. People of all money groups can be seen in the economy class of flights and I am not mocking anyone when I say this, but the art of showing off has reached a whole new level. I was coming back home from Kerala and I had to take two flights to reach home since there are no direct flights to Bhopal. My parents don’t fancy me travelling alone till Bhopal by train since the journey is 2 days long. Airports are safer according to them and there are lesser chances of me being raped and robbed on air. Also I get to be home in four hours. 

So about the showing off part I was mentioning earlier. I was flabbergasted by the way some people change their whole personality the moment they enter an airport and even the way they behave after taking a one hour journey by a frigging plane. Some of the qualities are even inbuilt in us Indians. The following are my observations-

FASHION MALFUNCTION- I could spot so many aunties who were wearing skin kissing glittery tops with slacks or tights and heels which clearly are not meant for their legs. When you look at them, you know that they have spent their entire life in Saree with ghajra on their head. You can also find Men wearing Goggles which clearly looks like a free item on buying HORLICKS. Their whole outlook is a mixture of village India and fake city look. 

ACCENT TRAGEDY- Sudden outburst of wrong and unwanted English is what I came across in the flight. A lady who sat beside me asked me something which I took minutes to clearly understand. She said “Snakes money why no free free? Bhaisa said free free. Take me 50 rupeej for COCK”. I begged her to talk in Hindi and she attested me as being an ILLITERATE DUMB BITCH. She flashed her Tobacco stained teeth as she said ‘Snacks ke liye paise kyun? Mere Bhaisa ne kaha ki free hoga. COCA COLA ke liye 50 rupeej manga’.

EXTRA BAGGAGE- This is what we are famous for. We just cannot travel light be it for even just 5 days. Especially if you are taking a flight from Kerala, you can even find people taking cartons of JACKFRUIT and COCONUTS to their place of destination. The hand baggage includes Airbags, backpacks, plastic bags with things like ‘RAJU LADIES TAILOR/ PRIYA PANTIES AND BRAZIER/ KAKKA DA DHABA’ written on it.

LOOTING ATTITUDE- Now offcourse you are paying for your flight ticket which sometimes includes food. I have noticed some fellow Indians taking things like MINT, MILK POWDER, KETCHUP, PICKLE POUCH, JAM, and BUTTER that they receive and keeping it in their bags for future purposes. I have nothing against this section of the crowd because even I can be included in them. What cracks me up if when I find people even hiding forks, spoons, JET AIRWAYS Magazines and even Safety tip Pamphlets. They use these as souvenirs’, something which shows that they have traveled by air and acts as an evidence.

We Indians are a funny lot. We have a joker hiding inside us and we can crack people up without even trying. But we are proud of ourselves too. Aren’t we? 

P.S- I hate my stupid gym instructor! Sala! Today he took me to this room and started throwing giant balls at me (balls as in the B for BALL one you dirty swine!). I was asked to run around and place them back in the rack. He did this for frigging 10 mins. What am I 12? Also he did not let me have water. A TOPNOTCH ASSHOLE!

P.P.S- Not one of the posts I am proud of, but I had to update this space somehow. Already somebody unfollowed me. SIGH!

P.P.P.S- An image which portrays my sorry state of life very aptly.

   

 Image Coutesy- whiteindianhousewife.com (Image 1)

THE WORKOUT TRAGEDY

Ladies and Gentlemen! Yes finally it happened. The birds have started to fly upside down I guess and the Sun will soon start rising from the west. Now anything is possible and by anything I mean every damn thing.

Red Handed has finally stepped inside a gym for the first time in her life and the credits goes to her sheer willpower and want for the perfect body. Fine A-holes! It was because my Father dragged me to the gym because my Mother was continuously pressuring the poor man to do so. The gym package is for 1 and a half months since I am at home only for that much time and the package includes normal gym workout, cardio, aerobics, power yoga, personal trainer, steam bath, spa, and a dietician. Yes my Family wants me slim and extra trim!

 

I was going to throw one of my legendary temper tantrums but the personal trainer walked in and my jaw got displaced because it really touched the good Mother Earth. He is the definition of the word S-E-X-Y. Height above 6, Brad Pitt from Troy body, Chocolate colour, an eyebrow piercing and a dazzling white smile to go with the whole poem of a man. I somehow managed my evident mouth watching since my father was present, who now was interviewing him. The voice!!! What a voice!! A husky sexy voice he had that can melt your soul and my jaw started its nonsense again. 

My Dad left and I was left with my sexy hulk. I pushed myself beyond my limits and did not show a tinge of fatigue even after spending 15 min on a machine which I say should be banned for the face of Earth. I did everything he asked me to do and I did not even drink water, just to show my strength. I even touched my toe without bending my knees just to hear a ‘VERY GOOD’ and unlike my usual cursing spree I did not even say a delicate FUCK. The only thing that was in my mind was ‘He is Hot!’

   

But to my greatest sorrow the Man did not even look at me with a slightest look of admiration. He did not even appreciate my dedication. I felt like a dog that had just run miles to get back his Masters Golf ball and on return was gifted with absolute NOTHING. I was devastated and I was shattered. The man was more interested in a fat man who was running beside me in the treadmill. He even left me unattended as I ran for 15 min straight and he kept himself engaged by chitchatting with the Fat pig. I felt neglected and damaged beyond redemption.

My session got over and I went to the manager lady to get my diet plan and she asked if I was happy with my Trainer. I said that I was very much impressed by his Greek God sexy body dedication towards his work and that’s when the lady said something which made me feel like a 1000kg boulder had just fallen on my chest. 

She said “He is our best trainer and like you said totally dedicated to his work. You are the first female he has been assigned to because he goes only for Men. He is Gay you see’’ 

  

FACEPALM would be an understatement. Now because I paid the whole package money I am stuck with this fairy for more than a month. Why God why!! He was even a Malayalee!

  

P.S-Today was Day 2 and my morning session is over. I cannot feel my legs and I prefer crawling rather than walking. I can’t even sit properly on the western toilet to pee. The worst part is, the Satan with his smile which shows his teeth like snakes bare fangs awaits me for my evening session. I will soon be DEAD. 

P.P.S- I had the honour to write a guest post on TheGirlAtFirstAvenue’s blog. Her blog is sheer awesomeness and if don’t already follow her blog, you should definitely read it out! U can read my guest post HERE.

   

P.P.P.S- For the lovers of Electronic Dance Music, I got something sexy for you. Check this remix out.  LISTEN HERE.