LORD OF THE WIND AND THE OMINOUS BEGGAR

I am a very mean person and I am extremely partial. That is what my friend called me for I was deciding whom to give a penny to between two beggars. One was a middle aged woman who looked perfectly healthy with a sleeping child in her arms. The child had mucous overflowing from his button nose. The other beggar was a really old man with gangrene rotting his right leg. I did the reasoning and paid the old man a penny. My friend asked me what was behind my inhumane act since I had a couple of more change in my purse and I could definitely afford a penny for the woman.

So I have my reasoning. I do not drop a penny to any beggar who has not yet hit retirement age and who is physically fine. If you are really old or with something wrong going on with your body, you qualify for a penny. I am not making fun of poor people here; I am just showing my dislike towards begging. If you are not old enough and you are physically fit then you are wrong to choose begging as your paying source. Call me mean and I grin.

Yesterday I broke my LAW. Yes I did and I blame the MANIPULATIVE LORD OF THE WIND for the breach of contract with myself.

I got into a bus which was scheduled to leave the stop in another five minutes or so. I was busy minding my own business of gawking at a hot guy passing by when this woman, clad in a Saree better than my house maid’s, gets inside the bus and starts distributing some sort of a pamphlet. I did not even ask for it! She kept it on my thigh and continued distributing. Since I am an Indian, I am very much used to this game. I could visualize something like “My husband was in the army and I have 3 children. My husband got killed in the Kargil war and I am left just with my children. My younger brother who has cancer also stays with us. Help us with some money”. This woman was so young that having three kids before the Kargil war in which her husband died, shows that she would have got pregnant at the age of 10 or something. But poor me, nobody likes my logic!

I continued not touching the card on my leg and acted as if I was busy Googling about some tribe in Somalia. But this LORD OF THE WIND blew one nasty wind and the card got lifted from my thunder thighs and got settled in the muddiest pothole outside. All I could do was stick my head out of the window and watch the yellow card float on the mud until a bus ran over it.

The woman came back to collect her ‘precious’ and all I could do was show weird hand gestures and point outside. The woman started shouting at me in a voice scarier than my chemistry teacher’s frog tone from back in school.

This beggar woman I tell you was so manipulative that she gained the sentiment of every two legged person in that vehicle. They all looked at me as if I was Ajmal Kasab and did “Tch Tch! Today's kids no respect. World will end in 2012”. Are they actually planning to blame me if ever the world explodes and kills itself?

The beggar asked me to pay her and everyone nodded their heads in unison. I opened my purse, looked at the 1 rupee coins I had and was going to take one out when the fat BITCH of a woman sitting beside me tells me that according to her I should pay around ten rupees to the poor woman. To stop this embarrassment A.S.A.P,I pulled out a crisp ten rupee note and the so called POOR woman snatched it from between my firmly stuck together fingers and fled from the spot.

Why God Why???!!! Was there anything wrong with my reasoning??? Or were you just in a dire need of a hearty laugh????!!! Guess what? Today instead of keeping the cross on my pillow, right beside my head while sleeping, I will keep you under the pillow and keep my head on top of you. NO MORE AIR FOR YOU!! 

P.S- I am heartbroken! I mean really! In my previous post about Lust & Love , I received a comment by a lady from abroad, appreciating the Goddamn painting I used above the post. She liked the colours she says :(. She said nothing about my post but just the image I Googled out. :( 

Image Courtesy- coolpictures.in

LUST OR LOVE ?

She let her fingers explore his body as she moves herself close enough to feel his heat. She brings her fingers down to his navel and lets it linger there for some moments. She knows it makes him want her more and she was proven right, when he grabs her by the waist and pulls her closer. As the night transforms into dawn, their bodies transform into one and passion encircles them in a tantalising manner. 

It has been 4 years since the day he openly told her about his Love. She was confused as to what she actually felt, but gave in because he was someone she could not be without. He was the kind of guy every girl dreams about and this made her insecure. She was happy that in their relationship, it was he who loved more and though she was possessive about him, she was still confused. She loved him and one harsh word from his side would make her feel unworthy and a total garbage. He had the power to transform her from a jovial person to a dependent and insecure woman, which she was now. She would taunt him every time she caught him exchange a word or two with another woman. He would wrap her with expensive gifts, surprise getaway holidays and what not. He treated her like a queen, bowing to all her whims and fancies. Their relationship was just the type you see around you, atleast the outer cover of it.

He was great in bed and he had the capability of making a dominant personality like hers, submissive and craving for more. They were just the perfect couple. Expecting everything, giving whatever was possible.

Night crawls in and he won’t be there tonight to quench her thirst. She opens her laptop and within seconds she has logged into Yahoo messenger. She had a few people on her list and they all were anonymous. One of them pings her to chat.

Anonguy- I missed your hotness. Where did you disappear?

Lustychick- Was just busy.

Anonguy- So what is the colour of the day?

Lustychick- Red thong and a black bra with lace work.

Anonguy- Woman! You really do not have a guy?

Lustychick-  Noone good enuff to satisfy me. So tell me what is your colour of the day?

What kind of relationship is she and her loyal guy into? Love, Lust or something else?

P.S- This post can be taken as the sequel of the post OH WOMAN!YOU KILL. I will back to my usual humour from my next post!! I Promise!!

P.P.S- I wonder how anyone can trust me or love me after reading the posts i write. But someone really does.

P.P.P.S- I was listening to the song LIPS OF AN ANGEL by Hinder and this came in my mind, so wrote. Also the script of the movie DIARY OF A SEX ADDICT was running in my head. This is purely fiction and nothing more.

Image Courtesy- lust-vs-love.deviantart.com

                                   

Dear MENkind

Dear MenKind,

I have been wanting to write this for a very long time but never got the needed kick to type this down. I actually even forgot about this until THE MADRASAN popped in with her controversial letter to a Delhi boy who now wants to kill Mark Zukerberg for the existence of Facebook and its status updates.

Since I am a woman and that too a college bunking one, I have a number of issues with you which I would like to bring to your knowledge. I know you will just laugh it off and if you do, I wouldn’t blame you because a majority of you are pathetically perverted like that. I would like to ask the beer loving soul of yours certain questions which have kept me perturbed for long.

The Genuine Queries-

# There is something called Getting Bored. Just like the others of my gender and species, I too have Boobs and an ass to follow. I know you spend a lot of time browsing through images of topless and butt showing females online, but what I don’t understand is how you get amused by the so called melons rather than the face of even a properly draped woman?

# Some of your gang members smirk at me every time I walk down the streets sipping on my favourite ice candy. How can you possibly stoop low enough to think so perverted? A Lollipop wouldn’t be named that way if I were to chew it like a toffee. Things have got so out of hand that I think twice before ordering a Cornetto when your fellow beings are around. You can’t possibly expect me to bite the ice-cream off. Can you?

# You crave for a woman who is modern in a slutty way, outgoing enough to be mistaken as a whore. You forsake the innocent soul for the provocative body cover. But when it comes to settling down, you prefer the homely, traditional woman who is skilled in the culinary arts, ignoring the true bitch residing in her. Why so?

# You expect us to be understanding and listen to your irrational babbles when you return home drunk and callous. We too expect you to tolerate us when we are fighting our PMS every month. Quotes like “Never believe anything which bleeds for five days and still doesn’t die”  are just not cool for us to laugh at. We are made that way. What is so gross about that?

# Loosing your virginity is like a milestone achievement for you and the more women you have slept with, the more ‘THE MAN’ you are among your groupies. It’s definitely not the same for us here, atleast in India. But how can you possibly expect your wife to be a virgin when you aren’t? Many husbands might be cursing you for taking their wives virginity. Why don’t you look at it that way? 

# Men are supposed to be hairy (not in a Gorilla way) and men are supposed to manly. Why do I catch half your species squealing as they get their eyebrows done and chest waxed? I shudder when I realize that I am the only woman in the unisex salon? I have nothing against you getting a manicure or a pedicure since they show your love for hygiene, but ripping out your chest hair?  Why my boy why?

I can go on and on and this letter can get as intolerable as Aishwarya Rai’s giggle. If you do not think that this letter applies to you, I request you to ignore the content and pass it on to the guy sitting next to you. Maybe he might relate to this. 

Sincerely,

The Girl you whistled at yesterday evening.

Image Courtesy-rodrigorivera-inspirare.blogspot.com

I AM THE BRITISHER IN HIS LIFE!!

Have you seen the movie ALIEN v PREDATOR ? Did you notice the part where the predator kills the alien and then marks his face with the alien blood and calls it a victory mark? I have one such victory mark. No I did not kill any one-eyed-long-necked alien, but I successfully overpowered my brother and he gave me the (victorious) blood clot just below my collar bone.

I was switching from channel after channel on the TV when my brother who at the age of 14 (8 yrs difference) is twice my height, with bones which can be used as a hockey stick, comes and dumps himself on the couch beside me. He pokes me on my shoulder , gives a dirty grin and says “Guess what. I made a profile for Amma and sent request to all your friends”. I could feel the blood in my veins boiling and throbbing against the walls to just burst open. I replied “How dare you do such a thing Varun?”. He smirked as retorted “Don’t worry! I am not jobless enough to do something like that”.

I was back to my normal meditating soul and even gave him the remote to watch ‘RATAN KA RISHTA’ (wtf!!!), when he said.

“You never know when I become jobless and actually send a request to all your friends. You cant even raise a finger against me”

My eyes became all Green and Red and then we had a conversation which went something like this

Me-     You boy!Dont you dare!

Varun- Oh please! What you gonna do eh?

Me-      I will literally take the life out of your life. Will make your life a living hell.

Varun- Bwahah! I am now taller than you and you cannot do anything to me.

Suddenly out of no where, he caught hold of my wrists and started twisting my hand. I was shocked since this was the first time he started the attack. It was always me and I blame his hormonal change for such an act. I caught hold of his hair from my left hand and started pulling it. He tried to break free and in that process sat on my lap still holding and twisting my hand and then out of nowhere gave me a big blow just below my collar bone with his elbow. My anger made me ignore the pain. I continued to curse him and pulling his hair. My Grandmother started screaming and calling my mother, who was busy painting her nails and seemed least bothered. She was used to this. Because of the interference of my grandmother and considering her screaming at such a high pitch at the age of 76, Varun let go of my hand and in return I let his hair remain on his scalp. But the abuses continued.

Varun- You are the worst person alive in this planet. Why don’t you shift your weight    to some place like Antartica?

Me- Shut up and do me a favour by keeping your buck teeth hidden behind your lips.

Varun- Look! You have turned all red. Gonna cry eh little girl?

Me-      Lets see who cries. Go to Amma and hide under her dupatta.

Varun- I am going upstairs just because you are so ugly to be even looked at.

Me-      Make sure you close the door as you cry. Gods greatest tragedy!!!

He walked away and after some time my mother came down and told me that he is crying. The joy the bitch in me got. I shouted on top of my voice

“Look who is the woman in the house. Cry Baby Cry!!”

I laughed and spoke to myself in absolute joy and made my way to the bathroom. I stood before the mirror and pulled my top a bit down to look at my chest. The starting stage of three big blood clots right below my collar bone. The boy is growing up and I cannot anymore tame him.

I heard him talk to his friend the other day on phone. He said “Dude! The Britisher is back in town to take over India.” Obviously I know who was the Britisher here and who was India.

P.S- I just gave away my age in this post. *Gulps*. My next visit home will be on Nov 6. Till then India is at peace.

P.P.S- A junior in College just updated his Facebook status as “ YAY! Finally today I am going to trim my armpit hair. It was starting to show outside my shirt sleeve.” Al-Qaeda might be hiding inside.

TRUTH IS THE NEW LIE

Life is such a funny mess. People accuse you when you lie and they do not believe you when you serve them with the hot truth.

So, lying is an art and I have mastered every type of it. From white lies to protective lies, I have said it all. But one certain incident happened which made me reconsider the need to lie and now the need has decreased extremely.

Yesterday I bunked college to be with my guy and we were driving across the city in his bike. Now parents have this sixth sense or whatever you call it to be. They have to call at all the wrong times and have to give your intestines a quick squeeze. Mothers are strange but in an adorable way. If you fail to pick up their call within the first ring or two they end up thinking that you are either murdered or are being raped. I finally managed to force my dude to park the bike some place where I could pick up my Moms call. I picked up and the conversation went something like this-

Me- Hey Mom!

Mom- What is this? Why can’t you pick up when I call? You made me so tensed. This world is not a good place and you are so far away from us. Where are you?

(Now normally in such a situation, I would have replied with something like “Class got over by 11 and I was on my way back” or “Don’t you know I am in College”. But this time something caught my tongue and made it speak out the truth.)

Me- Oh nothing Mom! I am just enjoying a long drive across the city with my boyfriend. Awesome time!

Mom- Yeyeye! Anyways I just called to say that our neighbour’s daughter in law had a baby girl. Call you later. Bye Mole!

Me- Bye Mom!

So you get my point. People have been lied to so many times that now they fail to accept the truth. Or maybe trust played an important factor here. But again their have been instances where I actually told my friends the absolute truth, which they take to be a ridiculous joke from my side.

SIGH!

OUR MONKEY MAN

Ladeeej and Genthalman! I have nothing to humour you with. My brain has been molested by an ugly dream, which haunted me yesterday night. A dream/nightmare which brought back memories of an incident I am still trying to forget. I cannot tell you about the HAPPENING because it’s very demeaning and makes a complete monkey out of me. But I shall give you a clue.

“HAVE YOU EVER BEEN SLAPPED BY A MONKEY?”

Moving on, did you hear about our cricketer Mr THAPPADKHANEWALA Sreeshanths car? The ARSEWIPE owns a BMW x6 and that is not good enough to reach his ishtandards! The Monkey Man forced the BMW dealership in Kerala to reverse the ‘6’to ‘9’. So now it reads BMW x9.

As a law student I would like to tell him that if BMW was jobless enough to care about your car the way I did and if they ever catch you Red Handed with the Ulta 6, they can sue the devil out of you and your ass will be behind the iron bars.

P.S- I too have the right to bullshit and write posts which should never be published. Happy Birthday to me :D

Imagecourtesy- bollywoodtorrents.com

OH WOMAN! YOU KILL...

 "Give that weed some rest and if you love me enough stop using it" she said as her hands ran through my hair and her hazel eyes screamed concern. My lips curved into a phony smile as I left the blunt on the mahogany table alone and followed her to our bed. How I love the way she holds me within her condescending yet calming embrace. Everytime I catch myself watching her sleep I give my vanity a direct stab in the heart. I am stuck in her love and she continues to be my favourite drug.

I straighten my tie and watch her as she dutifully wraps up a sandwich for my lunch and winks at me as she catches me gawking. A tender kiss, a naughty whisper in my ear about the menu for the night and she pushes me off to work.

Giving her a call during my coffee breaks has become a custom and hastily cutting it after talking to me for less than a minute has become hers. Shopping she says or Hanging out with her Girls she says. Sometimes I miss her enough to drive back home during my breaks just to surprise her and tell her she means the world. Now I regret doing that. Ignorance is bliss I say.

I want to see the pain in her eyes as she dies. I have wanted to kill her since that day. I grab my coat and run towards my car. A gun rests under my seat as I drive home, hands trembling and jaw clutched tight compressing the feeling of pure disgust. I see my home and I can already visualize what lies within. I walk towards the side of our bedroom and raise the curtains only enough to see the silhouette of two people tied together in ecstasy, moans managing to leave the walls.

Certain emotions cannot be defined. They are too overpowering. I move away from the wall, walk back to my car and smile at the gun in my hand. I had bought it 3 months back just to give her story an end and it’s still not used.

As night visits, she crawls inside the blanket with me and tells me about the day. How busy the house cleaning kept her. How beautiful she looks as she lies. “Not tonight” she says and prepares to sleep, as I walk towards the balcony for a roll of weed.

“If you love me stop using it. It will kill you one day” she shouts as I close the bedroom door.

I am addicted. Yes I am and you woman, you are killing me.

WHAT KIND OF RELATIONSHIP ARE YOU IN ??

Missed my lists? No? Atleast I did, furtively a lot! I am no relationship expert when I write this, nor am I an amateur to ignore this topic. More than half of the people I know are in relationships, different species of it. I just need to ask them "So how are u and Mr. X doing and they all give me a different version of love" .I have also noticed that this LOVE changes with time and so does their version of it. From ‘So much in love’ to ‘He and me need different things from life’ to ‘I am seeing someone else’, I have seen it all. So I thought why not jot down the different kinds of relationships I see around me.

And The List Begins

1)      The Coochycoo one- They are the kinds who sit on the same side of the table always, irrespective of the fact that they make the friends who happen to be in their company uncomfortable. They get all mushy and starry eyed because for them love is a fairytale. You can call them the beginners and you can see the Public display of affection decrease with time. They could be a fling or just an experience in the big bag of life.

2)      The Married souls- I call them this, not because they are married but because they behave like perfect couples. They know everything there is to know about each other, or they like to believe that way. They seem perfect in everyone’s eyes. Not too romantic but when it’s needed, a twinkle in the eye or a little smile passes the message. I would like to see them be together for life, but looking at the relationships around me, majority hit rock bottom due to many issues like ‘ Family Priorities’, ‘ Not in love anymore’ etc. But some do survive and I would love to see that happen.

3)       The Hush Hush ones- They could be friends turned lovers, classmates or colleagues at work.  They are committed but for reasons reasonable enough for them, they keep it a secret. Even when their close friends are smart enough to make out what’s going on and are frank enough to ask, these couples will never reveal the truth. I read this somewhere ‘If you have to keep your relationship a secret, why be in one’. 

4)      The Practical- They look like the perfect couple. A friend, a lover, a protector, they can be whatever their lover needs from them. They are the ones who make you go “I wish I had someone like that”. But when you enquire about their future together, they say “Love cannot feed you for life. If we both manage to get jobs good enough to live together happily without any compromises or blaming each other, and if we still love each other they way we do now, then we would get married". You frown at that answer, but for them that makes perfect sense.

5)      The Open Hearts- They define what they have for each other as ‘Love’ but that doesn’t stop them from looking for better options. The Open relationship could be one sided without the other partner being aware of it, or it could be a mutual decision. I am noone to comment but I am strongly against this kind. 

6)      The Mysterious kinds- They have no definition and they try to hide away from the questions you throw at them regarding their status. They are not JUST FRIENDS and nor are they GOING AROUND. They get jealous when the other smiles to an opposite sex or gets too friendly with them. They care enough about each other to be called MADLY IN LOVE, but they do not define it and are happy exploring as to what it really is. Time gets the privilege to define it and I respect that. 

7)      The On & Offs- These are common to find. One day they are cuddling in each others arms and the next day they are punching each other in a mad frenzy and you have to pull them off each other lest one of them dies. The next day you see them love kissed again. So whenever someone in this kind of relationship comes to me and says "I broke up with him. He is such a nincompoop", I smile without looking at her and say "I hope you say the same tomorrow" 

If you happen to know some more kinds of Relationships, please do write them down on the comment box. I would love to read. 

sHAPPY pONAM !!!!

P.S- Long post isn’t it? Sorry!

P.P.S- Being chased by a street dog is awesome no? Fuck!!!

Image Courtesy-memsaab.com