I AM THE BRITISHER IN HIS LIFE!!

Have you seen the movie ALIEN v PREDATOR ? Did you notice the part where the predator kills the alien and then marks his face with the alien blood and calls it a victory mark? I have one such victory mark. No I did not kill any one-eyed-long-necked alien, but I successfully overpowered my brother and he gave me the (victorious) blood clot just below my collar bone.

I was switching from channel after channel on the TV when my brother who at the age of 14 (8 yrs difference) is twice my height, with bones which can be used as a hockey stick, comes and dumps himself on the couch beside me. He pokes me on my shoulder , gives a dirty grin and says “Guess what. I made a profile for Amma and sent request to all your friends”. I could feel the blood in my veins boiling and throbbing against the walls to just burst open. I replied “How dare you do such a thing Varun?”. He smirked as retorted “Don’t worry! I am not jobless enough to do something like that”.

I was back to my normal meditating soul and even gave him the remote to watch ‘RATAN KA RISHTA’ (wtf!!!), when he said.

“You never know when I become jobless and actually send a request to all your friends. You cant even raise a finger against me”

My eyes became all Green and Red and then we had a conversation which went something like this

Me-     You boy!Dont you dare!

Varun- Oh please! What you gonna do eh?

Me-      I will literally take the life out of your life. Will make your life a living hell.

Varun- Bwahah! I am now taller than you and you cannot do anything to me.

Suddenly out of no where, he caught hold of my wrists and started twisting my hand. I was shocked since this was the first time he started the attack. It was always me and I blame his hormonal change for such an act. I caught hold of his hair from my left hand and started pulling it. He tried to break free and in that process sat on my lap still holding and twisting my hand and then out of nowhere gave me a big blow just below my collar bone with his elbow. My anger made me ignore the pain. I continued to curse him and pulling his hair. My Grandmother started screaming and calling my mother, who was busy painting her nails and seemed least bothered. She was used to this. Because of the interference of my grandmother and considering her screaming at such a high pitch at the age of 76, Varun let go of my hand and in return I let his hair remain on his scalp. But the abuses continued.

Varun- You are the worst person alive in this planet. Why don’t you shift your weight    to some place like Antartica?

Me- Shut up and do me a favour by keeping your buck teeth hidden behind your lips.

Varun- Look! You have turned all red. Gonna cry eh little girl?

Me-      Lets see who cries. Go to Amma and hide under her dupatta.

Varun- I am going upstairs just because you are so ugly to be even looked at.

Me-      Make sure you close the door as you cry. Gods greatest tragedy!!!

He walked away and after some time my mother came down and told me that he is crying. The joy the bitch in me got. I shouted on top of my voice

“Look who is the woman in the house. Cry Baby Cry!!”

I laughed and spoke to myself in absolute joy and made my way to the bathroom. I stood before the mirror and pulled my top a bit down to look at my chest. The starting stage of three big blood clots right below my collar bone. The boy is growing up and I cannot anymore tame him.

I heard him talk to his friend the other day on phone. He said “Dude! The Britisher is back in town to take over India.” Obviously I know who was the Britisher here and who was India.

P.S- I just gave away my age in this post. *Gulps*. My next visit home will be on Nov 6. Till then India is at peace.

P.P.S- A junior in College just updated his Facebook status as “ YAY! Finally today I am going to trim my armpit hair. It was starting to show outside my shirt sleeve.” Al-Qaeda might be hiding inside.